The material presented
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im trying it agin this being attemp 4 i hope and pray ill not pick up that phone and calll him this time,its hard really hard but its even harder knowing he is not in any recovery and he is a full blown a/addict,and only and only will he say rarely that he is in need of detoxing ,so then his body is clean and then he can and will go right back out and dirty it all up agin,he dont even beleive in recovery he thinks its a joke to him,so its time way past time i end it all before i get hurt by him in some way he is a nut for sure like his family has said that he is a t totle wreak waiting for a wreak to happen,and i dont plan on being with him when it happens .so as for for serinity today is to find all the strength i can gather here and not pick up that darn phone,so far he has called 5 times in last 3 days and ive answered only 1 or 2 of his calls and i havent answered none of the rest.and not called him im the one that falls weak everytime.and end up calling him and here he comes running,i do need help.......chinnup
Dearest chinup, I share with you a little maneuver that helped me when I needed to resist that mighty temptation to establish contact with a boyfriend that I was detaching from.
List on an index card the top things that caused you the most pain in the relationship. Tuck it in your pocket. Every time the urge hits (or the phone rings), immediately read it and try to recall the pain from those things in as much detail as you possibly can. True, you might spend a lot of time reading it over and over, but that is o.k. Just do whatever it takes that makes you feel strong if that is what you want.
Also, stay busy and distract yourself---physically away from the phone as much as you can.
It helped me. That was a very , VERY, long time ago. I felt like I was going to die at the time. Now, I can barely remember what in the world I ever saw in him in the first place! ( LOL)
Best wishes, chinup
Love, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 5th of June 2011 02:30:32 PM
-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 5th of June 2011 03:18:37 PM
Sitting here reading posts with my bags packed! After 9 Looonggggg years I am finally able to call it quits and mean it. He has done everything you can imagine to me, and I've put up with it. So now I let things happen that should have happen a long time ago. I won't be here to rescue him. I am going to try the index card, because I know them old feelings are gonna come. The missing him and his son. I'm going to fight it with every breath I take. This diesase has truly broken me. I know it is going to take time and lots of hard work. I'm ready.
I hope everything goes well with you.
-- Edited by sisdragonfly1957 on Sunday 5th of June 2011 02:51:07 PM
My addition to the index card solution is a long walk in which you contemplate the list you've written and read a thousand times - that way you get #1 away from the phone, and #2 good exercise that releases those endorphins that make you feel better - walking while angry probably burns the most calories, I walk faster when I'm mad at HIM. I walk at night a lot though because I rant and rave to myself out loud and don't want too many people in on the secret that I'm loony as a dodo bird!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
When I went to change my own behavior- I found I could not just stop doing something-- no, that seemed impossible and there I went driving by his house again- yuck! I had to force myself to do something different in it's place. Find activities you can do or make it simple- like every time I think about him (just for today) I will do five situps-- I would have had a wash board stomach in no time!
I also practised surrendering people over. Sure maybe I had to re-direct myself from them onto "just me" thousands of times at first-- the more I hand them over, the easier it gets doing it-- so I just keep handing them over daily as many times as it takes-- until I stop taking it back from HP/god. See-- I have to cling to my HP/god -as a way not to cling to other people. So I talk with god all day long and throughout the day, I ask for strength or I willingly hand over stuff I have no business with in my mind.
Find different things to do- use a god box to write things down on paper and hand them over by writing it and placing them into the box. Find ways to take better care of YOurself-- emotionally, physically, spiritually. Keeping me busy and my eye on the changes I wanted to make became a fulll time job - I am for sure all I need to handle!
Forgiving me when I slip and think about others' choices or their states of mind-- only allows me to lose me and feed the disease. So, by acknowledging how I feel and what Im doing- allows me to see it and accept it- then I can change it by handing it over, forgiving me and trying again. At least if I keep making mistakes- that means I am learning all over again and there is hope yet for me! I stay firmly in this moment, as I feel it now and I detach with love at every turn, when the hero rears it's head- I say-- "SAVE YOUrself, Girl!" Its all YOU can do!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Journaling is one of the best things you could do in my opinion. Exercise, and staying away from the phone are excellent too. Plus it gets you back into shape to look good for the healthier relationship you will find next time. Today i spoke with my ex-agf, and she started to put blame on me again for what she put me through. I told her I joined al-anon to get my head back together, and I could tell she took offense to it. She is in AA, but trying to point fingers again does not sound to me like her treatment is going all that well. I feel terrible right now , but I reflected on what and why drove me out of my mind. And everything snapped right back into focus. Remember your boundaries that you know you need to work on. Afterall, if our boundaries were intact, we would not have gotten ourselves into these situations. That is why i know al-anon is right for me.
ty u all for yur esh i will surely try the index card im so sure i can think up a whole whole lots but it will be mostly back yr ago cause he has changed alot of the way he does toward me cause he dont want to end it for sure,im his only ace in the hole ,he keeps his stuff where he lives at now and away from me but he still trys to make me feel like i cant do things that he can only do like paint my ceiling i can do it ,be my 1st time but i can thats where he trys to make an excuse to come back and make me feel inadaquat.i sure hope this works the index thing sounds good and the exerciseing getting away from this dang ph.my love for him is not the same anymore,i find it hard to tell him i love him and mean it its just not there.i love u all for yur esh and plz do keep them coming to me as i go through this this is only day 2 of not talking to him,gots lots more to go.
How about the program suggestion of using your phone to call a sponsor or someone else in the program who has walked your walk and knows something about changing it? That is what was suggested to me and what worked. There all kinds of alternative behaviors and for me going to the ones who already know success makes best sense. Today I don't dare use the brain that got me into trouble for solutions on how to get out of it. I use other members experiences and thought processes. Just for me.
My ex-A left me for another woman who picked up where I left off. I couldn't handle the drinking binges and crap anymore and he found someone immediately who would. Of course I was completely devastated......I could hardly function, more over the fact that he found someone else and things appeared to be great and she just doesn't mind his drinking........about 10 months after he'd been with her, he broken down to me and said how much he missed me, wanted to grow old with me....told me everything I needed to hear....anything and everything....I jumped right back in that saddle with him! He left that girl and came running back to me, we were together again for 6 months, he got sober during that time, worked a program for awhile....and then that last month went off the deep end, on a major binge.......at the end of it all, he ended up back at the girls house, dropped the bomb shell on me AGAIN.......from then on, I realized for ME I have to have NO contact with him ever again, and I have to stay as far away from him as humanly possible so that he NEVER sucks me back into that horrendous cycle of his again.....because mark my words....when things are rough with that nut job he's with, or they get in a fight, or maybe some day she'll actually get sick of his consummation with alcohol....she kicks him out...where do you think he'll come running??? I have to get to the point to where I'll never be weak again to run back to that manipulative mess ever!!
If you have to cut off all contact with yours....do it...for your own mental health, wellbeing and growth
thanks for all the esh it all makes perfect sense and yes i can relate,i did fall for his call today jus because he left me a message about someone we both knew pretty good shot himself the other day and so i called him back to get the details ,and he asked me to come over to where he was working here in my hometown,and as usual i fell weak and saud yes,but i did do the index card thing and my list was longer than the card,his boss called him while i was there and he didnt want his boss to even know i was there,but he drove up while i was there,oh well,i know that he downs me pretty bad around his boss when i dont call or answer his calls,thank gosh he was leaving with his boss and his boss dont drink or smoke but buys him his beer to make him happy,a was talking about fixxen this ole camper up for himself to live in up behind his bosses,u know they really look good and sound good but their desease takes completely over i figure he will eventually find him someone else cause its just way hard for him to get in here to c me,thats my good luck.but to keep my serenity for today i just stay busy and go right back to my reg. routine like always.and continue with the handy tools u all have given to me,thanx agin for all the esh,still hurts but oh wellll i know what i have to do to make it stop.sorry for rattleing on so much,but i do love all yur esh till this does finally pass....to my bestest friends i have here in alanon i love u all....chinnup........(this to shall pass)
