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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> How do you NOT control when you have a legal obligation to control
Post Info TOPIC: How do you NOT control when you have a legal obligation to control
devlynn


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How do you NOT control when you have a legal obligation to control
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Confusing subject line huh? LOL

 

Here is my situation,

(Im just going to put it out there like it so my brain wont hurt so much while i type this lol.)

My ABF is disabled and receives SSDI. His doctors, the State and who ever else know he is an A, recovering addict and has been homeless on more then one occasion. In their infinite wisdom they decided the only way he could receive benefits was to have a Payee-Rep. Some one other then himself to control his money and finances.

No surprise here, that would be me.

So I have an obligation to Social Security to ensure his rent and what ever immediate self sustaining bills are paid. Frankly there isn't much left after that is done if anything.

Now heres where Im having trouble. Control! If i hand the control to ABF Im going against my legal obilgation to S.S. if I continue to control ABF finances i removing the consequences of his actions. Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.

I'm sure the first thing to pop in your head might be to remove myself as his Payee-rep. Again it will be up to me to find a new rep. Not such an easy task. It is a big responsibility. We are talking cold hard cash each and every month. My ABF cant even cash his own checks and the potential for this to go very badly is there if put into the wrong hands.

Eventually the goal is for him to become well enough to manage his own money. In good consince I can not go in to the S.S. office and tell them he is well enough for that. I also know that his family is not "well" and would fall pray to his addictions and would just hand him the $ has he asked for it. Not my problem on one hand but the obligation I took with S.S. makes it my problem. I would not being doing my job properly for S.S. if I handed this over to his family knowing what I know.

I feel I need to figure this one out sooner then later. I know ABF will be out of jail soon and he may feel the need to find a new payee-rep with my new boundaries, lol. I take S.S. very seriously. Its not easy to obtain disability and we all contribute to S.S. and god forbid we ever needed, i want to do the right thing by S.S. and all of us for that matter. It all our money.

Also I would like to add that trying to deal with Social Security is a joke. They are so busy and most are not properly educated on these types of situations. They look at you  like you have two heads. I realized very quickly that going into the office and asking for help was equivalent to asking my dog for help lol.

 



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Mattie


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If you have decided to stay with your ABF for the time being, then I don't see any reason to hand over control of his S.S. money to him -- where is the pressure to do this coming from?  If you're supposed to be the one to make the rent payments and pay the other necessary bills, I don't see (speaking for myself) that it violates any healthy principles to do so.  It sounds as if this situation is caused by his disability rather than his drinking, so maintaining his payments as they are would not count as enabling.

If you have decided to separate, it may be time to figure out another way that he can get these things taken care of reliably.  It would not be a bad idea to have a reliable back-up anyway -- you could break your leg and be laid up in hospital or any number of other things that would mean you should have a backup available. 



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Debilyn


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SSecurity has people they have had for years that take on more than one client to be their payee. There are many dependable people who do this.

It's very ok to let go. love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Otie


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 Dear Devlynn, I have just read you "rock and a hard spot" situation, and I can sense a great turmoil in you.

I might be wrong, but are you feeling the burden of shouldering his responsibility for him, yet fear that he is incapable of doing it for himself-----if you hand the responsibility to him to solve, he will make a trainwreck of it and slip further down the tubes---and, ultimately, you will loose his good will and him along with it? 

I relate to the feeling of being afraid that giving up control means facing the fear of losing a love object.  I haven't had your exact situation, but I know what the feelings are like.  Stone cold terror! 

I know you will be getting lots of feedback. I just wanted to say that I can relate to you.

Sincerely, Otie



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devlynn


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thanks everyone....i think my biggest worry was that it was going to go against everything i am learning here an in my f2f...and as far as staying with my abf, well that is yet to be determined lol...he may not be willing to accept my new boundaries in which we may not be together any longer when i tell him what they are :p thats ok too, i cant control what he does right? :)

i dont think im really looking at it like im worried about him "screwing" up...im more along the lines of this is my responsibility that i signed on with s.s and i owe it to them and us (as tax payers) to do my job, make sense?



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Mattie


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My understanding is that signing on with S.S. to take care of his payments does not obligate you to do it for life.  There are many circumstances that could lead one to pass on the responsibility to another person. 

If you don't have a sponsor, this might be another benefit to getting one -- that you'd have someone to bounce your thoughts off about this as the situation continues to evolve.



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clep


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The first thing that comes to mind.....

I personally would not feel comfortable in that type of position as I am not the gf of my A but his keeper and caretaker in the truest form.

I remove my legal obligation to control.  The only obligation I have is to myself to be emotionally stable.   If I have committed to do something that I have later found to not be wise for myself, I can discontinue with the commitment.   I can learn from that and think over more closely  what I am willing to commit to in the future.

I have done that many times.   There are times I have followed through to the terms of my commitment such as not quitting when there is a month left etc.   If there was no end to the terms, I have just politely said I cannot continue with the commitment any longer after x period of time.

Edited to say:  In the last couple of years in Al-anon I no longer feel guilty not taking on things that are not okay for me at the time.   I don't answer right away and think it over very carefully first.   I have many less commitments these days.  :)



-- Edited by clep on Sunday 5th of June 2011 07:57:02 PM

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nezyb


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In WA State there are representative payees through local mental health services and also through the ARC. These are folks who are paid to do what they do and help many clients who have disabilities (temporary and/or permanent) manage their SSI and SSDI on a monthly basis. Does your ABF have any kind of case manager or social worker through the state you are in? They may be able to help you find an alternate rep payee. Just some thoughts that came to mind as I read your post. Good luck.

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