My ex-agf shared some of the things that they talk about at AA. And from what they spoke of when the A seeks recovery is the loss of one or all of the 4 L's. In her case it was lover.

Liver

Lover

Law

Livlihood

I would like to know the answer to this too.

I guess they look for help when they have had enough.

When someone reaches the latter stages of alcoholism, everything becomes difficult from holding down a job to all forms of relationships and everyday life.

My late fiance, although he admitted to his alcohol problem and went for several community detoxes (he took librium with beer!) and a residential one, been in and out of hospital several times for seizures, gastritis, hiatus hernia, pancreatitis and irritable bowel syndrome, he was in denial til the very end.

He sought help coz he got fed up of living as an alkie, having to hide it all the time and sneak out to get it. He spent his whole days thinking where his next drink is coming from, something he kept very well hidden. All those times he was popping out for a cigarette, to the cashpoint, to the shops was all to get a sip of the booze. I feel foolish for not seeing it then.

Anyway, when he got help and counselling, it delve deep into his childhood where there was some trauma that he kept hidden for a long long time. He wasn't really ready to talk about things and always feared a can of worms opening. So he gave up on that and just carried on drinking as it was easier. It put him between a rock and a hard place as the thought of the consequences of both stopping and continuing to drink were just terrifying.

I feel very sad when I hear from ex alkies who manage to achieve sobriety. I feel gutted that my fiance just couldn't turn that corner.

I personally think it has to do with wether or not they have codependent enalbers that are willing to take on their responsibilities and willingly suffers along with them and their unresolved emotional issues & (they ignore) feeling the feelings themselves- we pick up the slack of that taking them on emotionally.  Once you are emotionally enmeshed-- u have a deeper shared experience of the disease and the lines (boundaries) and manipulation are much more blurred between the individuals.

They have to suffer the consequences of their own actions - bc their enablers (hopefully) stop "taking care" of them in the aftermath of their escapades/binders.  So they have to want to change, their enablers have to stop making their poor behavior easier for them and inconveniencing and compromising themselves.

One may be able to sacrifice their needs for their kids and do that until they grow up, but no where are we "supposed" to take care of adults while they ruin everyone else's life.  The only way is to stop enabling them and stop fighting with them -bc I learned it only creates drama and allows the disease to fester.

We take responsibility by offering them the dignity, respect & space to not mother and smother them--  but to allow them to figure out how to solve their own problems and crises.  It is a game of manipulation and we have to choose to stop participating in it or we are always a slave to the disease and our fears.  If people dont like me bc I dont enable them- good, they are being honest with me, finally.  I can detach from how they feel and react-- I can only control how I feel and react.  Today I own my thoughts and I realize that they addict/alcoholic must come to the realisation on their own.

See- if you are more worried about them and their conditon then they are-- they have no need to think for themselves bc you are taking up all of that slack.  You are giving them an excuse by saying -its a problem.  If it is not a problem for them, then accept that that is how they want to see it right now - nothing we can change about how they choose to think about things.

If they are sacrificing themsleves, loathing and disragarding themselves-- that is their perrogative to do so--  and if we jump in and say, no - watch me sacrifice me for you - bc u are so important -- the A just laughs through that-- we are then just doing the same thing they do-- feel & think they are worth--less than taking  the best care of themselves.  No amount of me compromising my needs -- ever in a million years showed them how much I cared about them-- all they saw was me choosing to sacrifice myself and not love myself just like they do.  So its all the same.  The only way I can change or make a difference for them, is call them on it by staying well behind my boundaries and respecting what they offer me-- and not trying to convince them otherwise.

I work my own respect and program and self love-- and take as good as care as I can of myself.  When I worry about others-- I take it right up with my HP/god and surrender the care and needs of them over--- program takes a miracle and it is with HP we do that here-- we dont do it alone.    I can role model healthy and love as best as I can and stay on my side of issues/problems and not preach to anyone.  When we choose to change, we pick us and do it for us-- we have to believe we are worth fighting for and we stand up for us and get honest and self reliant--- others do see that and it gives them a way and some hope- that if we could change, maybe they can too.   It takes honesty and willingness ~ it takes YOU.   This is how attraction works, we do it, live it, become the change we want to see in the world and then eventually, others say, "hey you  look so happy and at peace... what ever have you done with yourself!"  LOL  program works

I don't believe there is one size fits all answer here. My ex has 2 DWI's, he lost me and my son because of his drinking, he lost his business and all of his money, he wrecked 2 cars because of his drinking, he got citations for public intoxication and assault, etc., etc., etc. He's still drinking. He's still blaming all of his problems on the world. Who knows what it's going to take. Seems like a lot of people would've stopped already. Then again, addiction is insanity. There is simply no point in trying to make sense out of insanity - it just can't be done.