The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"The Alcoholic lies, cheats, manipulates, rationalizes his or her drink behaviors, argues, is selfish, is self-centered, is not trustworthy, guilty and the list can go on and on. The alcoholic is a mess spiritually, mentally and physically. The alcoholic is not self reliant, is needy and is consumed by the disease when drinking.........
I have been involved with Al-anon since 2006......a lot of it I just can't grasp....a few reasons I think are because i'm known as a fixer type of personality (that seems to be a hard thing to rid yourself of especially when its just who you are), and I'm also a deep thinker for the most part. I also am in control of my life and my life is not unmanageable. I think for the most part every single human deals with some sort of struggles, and relationships are just really hard in general, throw addiction into the mix.....makes it ten times worse!!! Journaling definitely helps....music helps me, and talking, venting, and being around friends is a good tool to always use too! Take care!
Here's a quote I like:
When the pain of where you are, is greater than the fear of where you will be, you will move"
I have been journaling from time to time. And since my relationship with my agf is most likely over. I still want to be with her like right now. But then I read what I have archived, and take a deep breath. It brings me a little more peace to know the reasons why it is totally irrational for me to be with her. I found that everything in my life was in place except her. The chaos, turmoil, lies are over now with her and her family, but i still have turmoil in my heart from experiencing the things I have seen. I think I need a sponsor to speak with in times when i feel down on myself for what I could have done, or maybe should have. But in reality I could have done nothing except not put up with it anymore. How do I get started getting my head back to when I used to have fun before I met her?
I guess I still have a lot of anger towards her and family for one reason. This may be selfish on my part , but I saved her life in more ways than one. I remember a time when she got loaded at the drag strip, and tried to jump on to the race track as the dragsters were going. It was not only about a ten foot drop, but she also would have caused a crash. Possibly injuring the drivers , and most certainly being ran over. I pulled her back at the very last second. She was over the railing. I told her parents about this, and they flipped it on me. Like it was my fault she was drinking. If I had not ended it with her after her lies she would have never gone to AA and wanted to, and realized she really needed to. None of them have ever offered any debt of gratitude. In fact it has been quite the opposite from them. I need to let that anger go. But it angers me that they do not get it, and will perpetuate thier behavior to the next generation of innocent childeren. Her sister is pregnant, and I already feel sorry for that child knowing the grandparents' teachings will be enable, and turn the other cheek. just writing this makes my blood boil to think about it.
As I carefully read your posts, I sense that you are deeply affected by alcoholism and want to rise above it all. You absolutely can. No doubt.
As I shared with you before, I was married to an alcoholic for 36 years and we have two grown sons. I applaud you for your awareness and your willingness to see reality and take back your life. One avenue is Al-Anon.
I was so reluctant to attend Al-Anon meetings, let alone work its program. I suffered needlessly for this choice. I've only been attending meetings and reading Al-anon literature for a little over 3 months. I'm still working on obtaining a sponsor that is right for me. I've seen a notciable difference in my daily life since attending meetings.
At first, I couldn't get the hang of the meetings; I felt a little queezy about the language used - Higher Power, God and so forth. I'm not from a religious background, even though I embrace a lot of what I'm told Jesus practiced. I'm not a Bible person. However, Al-Anon isn't a religious program - no dogma will be spoken or found. It's a spiritual program, that offers a lot of tools that if practiced, can turn anyone's life around for the good.
In my opinion, like it or not, we are all spiritual beings. I've read it many times: We are spiritual beings who are having human experiences.
Take what you like and leave the rest (just one of the many slogans used in Al-Anon; and members really mean it!)
Take good care of you! GailMichelle
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
"The Alcoholic lies, cheats, manipulates, rationalizes his or her drink behaviors, argues, is selfish, is self-centered, is not trustworthy, guilty and the list can go on and on. The alcoholic is a mess spiritually, mentally and physically. The alcoholic is not self reliant, is needy and is consumed by the disease when drinking........."
Goodness, that describes my OH to a T (English expression - means exactly). And that cheating, manipulation and selfishness, etc is just what I have been going through for the last 6 years or so. Trouble is, I have been married to OH for 39 years and I cannot stop caring or even wanting to care for him. I don't think I love him any more but once, he was the love of my life so I cannot abandon him now he needs me the most (although he would never admit that). Switching off from someone you have loved with all your heart is difficult if not impossible (in my case).
I am sorry you are struggling with this right now and I hope you are able to work through it and forgive them. Addiction is a family disease- it is not a simple fix whatsoever and it requires everyone to change. Not everyone in the family wants to do that hard work- awareness is very painful and being willing to do what you can to allow things to transform, like boundaries and tough love-- sometimes it may take years for them to hit their bottom -or- to have a shift in awareness--- whether they are the codie enalber or the A.
I wished my mom would change ever since I was ten yrs old- I stared at her life, choices and her way of doing things for twenty five long years. She never seemed happy or at peace- and that was all she ever told me she wanted for me-yet she never showed me how to do it by simply doing that for herself first.
Six years down the road in my program now- it took me five to get well established boundaries and to begin to see resepct evolving in my life, me and my reality. Today I dont cross my boundaries by telling "regular" (non-program people) any of my personal opinions, even if they ask. No, that always got me into trouble, anyway! Most ppl cant handle the truth-- here in program we deal with a whole different level of honesty.
I hope you trace your anger, feel the pain and get willing to let it go. Forgiveness of others and the past- is the greatest, most transformative tool I have found in program & life. When we are anger at them- we are tried to them and they basically own us. I do forgiveness for me- to set me free of those ideas, patterns for behaving and ways of thinking -- today I grasp onto something new and different- and I allow them to be who they are without being the voice of doom or warning them. In fact the more positive I am, the more obvious what they are doing- has negative consequences.
You cant expect anything from others, not validation, love or approval-- and they wont get how much you care (if you did) when you are demanding anything of them or being overly emotional. I am sorry you feel so betrayed- I hope u will stick it out in program and learn about healthy boundaries-- no one owes us anything and adults will do what they will do. Acceptance helped me a lot- to understand- either way if I dont let it go- it only takes me down eventually. All I have to do is set it free!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you all for your posts. About the third time she relapsed I started going to meetings at a local church. But I was not ready then, and it was somewhat a bargain with her. You go to AA, and I'll go to al-anon. It will go away, and I'll never forget the lesson. I found you guys for a reason i suppose. I am ready now, and it is time to move on. The experience with her has changed me forever, but I do not, and will not let the next one to suffer the baggage I have now. I want to be the way i used to be before alcohol changed my life.
Aloha Jamfu and thanks for the post and new philosophy you learned. That is a very good recovery philosophy which has helped me and many many others to desire and work for change.
One of the changes I had to incorporate in my life of recovery was to get rid of my own "stinking thinking" thinking I knew how it worked and how things were going to be and come out. When I was learning about that part of the philosophy was "fortune telling and prophesizing"...living in the future and not dealing in the present which was about changing me; my thoughts, feelings, behaviors and spirit. When I changed me the future would be different. Additionally when I added a Higher Power and the insturments of my Higher Power...the fellowship...attempting to deal in the future mean't that I was still working with tools that weren't assets and using old controling behaviors.
Give the program 90 days...as many meetings and as much literature as you can get your hands and eyes on in the next 90 days and leave your old thoughts and feelings and plans and perspectives in a depository to be reopened and looked at after the 90 day period of time. see how things are then.
We do this thing called program or recovery just one day at a time and sometimes shorter periods of time and only use the past as evidence for change. We try not to live in the future. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it.
I will and thanks again. I didnt get to where i am at now without the help of myself and other people who care. Life lessons learned are priceless as long as they are not too late to make a difference. I dont want to feel bitter anymore
Hi there! Thanks for reaching out....I know exactly how you feel. I harbor much resentment and anger, and while I'll bury it deep somedays, other days it just is there hovering around me, because I'm so bitter about all the past that I've endured, like you...saving the life and others blaming us! Last year I sat in the ICU with my ex for 4 days, all day long I sat there while he was hooked up to a ventilator, my son and I took him there...i was worried about him! A month later, he's blaming me for his binges, he's such a good liar, he's got his new posse out there believing i'm some sort of pscyho path that has caused his drinking to be so out of control all these years. So yes....that makes me very angry and bitter, and how do I let that go? By working al-anon??, by thinking of myself?, by letting go?, giving it to God?.....well sure, mind over matter that will work some days, but not every day for me. Some days I can barely tolerate it!! I'm getting ready to post another reason here in a minute why I cannot let go of the anger over my exA.....
I really think its only time that does it, and when we are permantatly away from them to where they can no longer hurt us. it's just that when you've endured many years of pain it's hard!......it took us this long to get here...so it's not going to take us overnight to get to where we need to be......
