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I used to be good at ignoring signs, unless of course they smacked right in the head.
Well I have been asking my HP to please give me signs and help me on what I should do about my ABF. (I posted my story about him and I and he is currently in jail)
I have been talking to my sister and sharing all the details of everythin that has happened and what I am trying to do about it (ie, posting here and F2F) and my feelings over everything. Well she suggested I talk to him by mail or phone but do not see him face to face. I was surprised she suggested it since I am breaking the injunction by doing so. Anyway the point to that is I have talked to ABF and I think I understand why my sister encouraged me to.
Granted I am brand new to Al-anon and this group. I have dove in head first. Read read read. My nights have been consumed with learning and reading aboutbother experiences. My sister knows this as well. With that said, when I did finally talk ABF it felt so different. I didn't fell like the heart broken gf that I have been. I felt like I could "hear" clearly for the first time since we been together. That in and of itself is very enlightening to me. Each time I speak with him I feel like he is putting another nail in his coffin so to speak.
I certainly have a long road ahead of me. I know that I absolutely can not see him. He asked me to lift the injunction. I told him I wasn't ready. Wow that really changed the tone of the conversation! I was able to immediately recognize his manipulation. He was trying to transfer all his emotions, guilt and pain to me. He was trying to pass the blame for his actions that put him there in the first place back to me. I simply told him, I understand each of your feelings, I've been there an I am currently feeling some of the same things myself.
I suggested he examine those feelings. Continue his AA and prayer groups and ask for help with those emotions from those who are better equipped to offer guidance and advice. He was dead silent!! He then told me that just because some has a drink or gets angry, you don't walk out on them when you truly love them.
He continued his ranting about what I wrote in the injunction. He said it was like a knife thru his his heart and it would take years to heal and so on. He suggested I read it again myself. I said I had. Those were the facts of that dreadful night. My fear was at the end of the pen when I wrote it. I again suggested he should find a sponsor and go through that injunction with them. I said I would not apologize for MY emotions. I can not control his, I did not cause this and I can't fix. Only he is in charge of those things. Again silence. He finally ranted some more told me he loved me and hung up.
It actually felt really good to stand my ground and not get sucked into his delusions for a change. I'm sure I am walking a fine line by speaking to him but it feels like irbid just what I need to enforce what I am learning.
I'm still desperately struggling with the fact that I can't "fix" him or make him better. He hit a nerve with his when you love someone comment. It took every thing I had to not show him the affect it had on me. Detachment is something that will be a struggle for me but I WILL do it, I have to to so there for I will darn it lol.
I certainly would recommend to anyone to talk to their A like have. I know that's dangerous territory.
However back to my point if "signs". I've sat back today and realized I think I have had a slew of them since ABF has been in jail. Unexpected money came in. I had told myself that if it came it would be a sign to get my ring from pawn that ABF promised me he would do. Well i picked up!!! Big yay for me :). Money has been non existent and the electric company showed up yesterday to turn it off. I heard a horn honking. I went outside to see them. My heart sank. The guy was sitting in the truck Andrade come here. He looked at me and said I remembered the difficult time you had when you moved in so I'm not turning you off until Monday will that give you enough time? I almost cried. I told him about what happened with ABF an that he was in jail. He said "I went with my gut and that's why I'm doing this, don't tell on me lol". I wanted to hug him!!! You see that brings the next sign. Since ABF has been gone my work has increased exponentially. I get my first check on Saturday!! Just in time to pay the electric and get myself caught up with all my bills. Then last night ABF phone caught my attention. He had text. I asked who it was and then they asked if we could talk. It was a past gf of his and long time friend. What are the odds? We talked for a long time. She reaffirmed everything I already knew and then some. She told me I needed to run as fast as I could and bot look back. However wonderful my ABF may be I can't fix him. She reminded me I can love him but just as she had I needed to leave him. I could be his friend if I could fin the strength to do so but I could not be his gf or I would just be in direct path of his alcoholic abuse. she offered her friendship and told me she was only a phone call away. She said the my ABF would become my "addiction" if I let it.
All I can say is wow!! I've asked my HP for a sign. I can be thick headed. I think that is what these are. I want your thoughts an validation.
So, what do you think???
It is amazing how different conversations with our A's can be after taking the time to work a program and find awareness of the reality outside the isolated worlds of alcoholism our lives become. Finding yourself and asking your HP for help in the areas that are not working in your life whether it be finances or questions or emtions or health can bring miracles. And I found guidance and many forms of help when I needed it most when I started working the program and my thought patterns changed. Our thought patterns can influence how many people like customers and utility guys make decisions of what to do in a given situation too. To be honest I think once people see that we have decided we are worth saving they think we are worth saving too. I know my HP often nudges me to do some small little thing that I later find out makes an impact on another's life. We see that often at meetings and on this board with our sharing of a story or recovery tidbit that is just what someone else needed to see that day. So my answer to your question is yes, I would consider the things you describe as signs, just like the ones I also see sometimes in my life. I always believed they were signs of my internal spiritual, physical and thoughts going in the direction that my HP wanted me to go.
Having shared those thoughts ... I do caution searching for signs or using them directly in decision making unless you have no uncertainty inside. I would use these as feeling the wind at my back on a long journey but not as a BIG DETOUR sign telling you to go somewhere you may not want to end up. Our HP's will guide the way and when HP is at work you'll feel it through and through
Jen
PS From my experience it got really hard to talk to my family about my growth in the program and in how I dealt with many issues regarding my exAH over time. I wish at least one of them had joined me in attending ALAnon meetings ... if your sister would be willing to go to a few meetings and learn a bit about the tools and steps it could really be helpful later.
Oh I would love my sister to go with and I know she would in a heart beat however we are states apart :(
I keep praying and praying to find the answer. I'm so confused. I read everynight, every thing I can find. I've been falling asleep with my computer on one side and my Alalnon info on the other side. I wish I had a looking glass to help me!!
They say if you do something long enough it becomes second nature. Well I try to think positive and "tell" myself the 3 c's all day long. I'm tryin to learn step one and understand what that is. However my heart is still pulling and I want so badly to hv my ABF in my life. Then I think I was given and opportunity to back out. I'm beginning to see a tiny glimps of self worth again. I know I deserve better and more then what I was getting ( when ABF was activly drinking anyway) I guess it boils down to being fearful of making such a major decision. It feels so final.
I KNOW no one else can make my decision for me (however nice that would be). I guess I'm just having a difficult time getting to that decision. Are there any "tools" I could read that might help me with this struggle?
I've mentioned before I call it my "right brain/wrong brain". My right brain has already made up it's mind. My wrong brain is still tugging away at my heart. Maybe I need to go thru a grief process before I can make "my" right decision.
Thank you for your post. Do you any thoughts on this one?
LOL Well ... of course I have thoughts Are they on the right track is the question. It is great that you are curious and dedicated to finding the answers to your decisions.
The tool that comes to mind first is the Serenity Prayer with special attention to the last line.
HP, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference between the two
More than a few wise mentors have told me that deciding to not make a decision or not make a decision at least for right now is also a decision. This thought seems to make that little voice that wants to rush me happy when nothing else has. One very wise mentor even added that the longer I wait the fewer options I have, in some cases this is good and in some not, but overall if I am not able to make a decision with clarity and resolve HP slowly makes it for me by removing options. Since I can firmly say I am exactly where i am supposed to be right now these practices have worked for me.
Practice being patient, take your time, take care of you, get strong in your program, keep listening and watching for your guidance in whatever form it comes in. Everything you need will come to you as you grow.
Just for me Dev and only after days and days of program I'd say that the sign I was supposed to look at was the one about breaking the injunction. That sign was about me, the only thing I can and should change. My HP wanted me to know myself...look in the mirror and ask myself, Who am I and why do I do what I do and why do I do it the way I do it? The sign for me was about "What is your part in it?" which my sponsor kept gently asking me every time I brought up another piece of "the" story helping me to understand that it was "my" story only...a consequence of my choices. For me there are other "signs" that HP has used to teach me...all of them unmistakeable and simple and mind blowing. I don't like missing those.
Keep coming back...recovery gets better after you work it for a while. (((hugs)))
It sounds like you are learning lots and growing in positive ways. The only real danger in talking to the Ex is that you will have a weak moment and do or say something regarding him that you will regret. You are taking so many steps forward right now and it's refreshing to read. Just be careful.
You called it right on when you labeled his behavior as manipulative and he is taking zero responsibility. Obviously he didn't just "have some beers and get in an argument" with you. He broke the law, was a criminal, victimized you, violated you in several ways and has not grasped the depth of how serious his own behavior is let alone how horribly he treated you.
I wanted to just add a couple things from my experience in AA too: If he is going to change, it is going to take a lot of time and some serious work in AA. It's going to take at least a year to even see the type of shift that is going to carry him into long term sobriety. It is an EXTREMELY hard road ahead of him if he is going to recover. It is super scary for a person to look at all that work ahead PLUS a life time of wreckage behind. The easy thing for him to do is to manipulate you and try and pin some, most, or all of the blame on you and also to have you enable his addiction so that he can avoid doing all the work, avoid changing, avoid taking responsibility, and avoid growing up. So, while he is whining and bitching and trying to put this on you, I would like you to stay focused and remember that in distancing yourself from him, you are giving him the gift of recovery as well. You are putting all of the alcoholism and it's consequences on him and that is what he needs (to focus on changing himself).
If after a year or so of working the program, he comes around again....it might be a different story. For now, he has some urgent work to do or he is going to die and or take others down with him.
Pinkchip-(((hugs and more hugs))) I really needed to hear the AA side of this, that really meant a lot I can't even begin to put it into words. Somehow you took this huge weight off my shoulders!!
Thank you everyone!!
I did speak with him again tonight. I don't thin I spoke even 5 min. I'm to emotionally drained to even try to recount the conversations. It took eveything I had to not say something I would regret. It seems as tho he is becoming more and more agitated and desperate. He did go on about me being controlling. I said you are absolutely correct and I recognize I can not control you or any one else, only me and I am taking steps to correct that for me. Silence lol. I refused to entertain anything else and the blame bounce right off of me because I refuse to accept what is not mine. The final outburst was about his dog that I have (incidentally the judge awarded me ALL his belongings, that means the dog too) ABF said he wouldn't be able to keep her if he can't live with me ( she is a pit, very hard to find a place who will allow her) ABF says he will just put her to sleep, if ABF can't have her then no one can. All I could muster was,"that's a bit drastic don't you think" and rattled some crap and then said fine do you want her. I honestly had to pull the phone away so he couldnt hear me giggle. I thought, legally buddy she is mine and everything in this house, now what?
Argh this is trying to say the least. I know my HP will not give me more then I can handle. I know the 3 c's but my heart is hurting for this man. ABF is already so sick, crohns AND ulcerative colitis and then you add the alcoholism and he will surely die with out help and the commitment to his sobriety. I have lost so many people in the last 6 years (12 people, non A related) my heart just can't bear watching someone so close whom I love so dearly slowly kill themselves. This is just a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from :(. ABF is part of my heart and has left his mark, that will never go away weather he is in my life or not. My gut tells me I will be fine but he isn't going to be. (sigh)
You have all the empathy for both of you while he lacks it. Remember, it is cruel to self inflict harm on oneself and expect someone else to stand by and watch. When I broke up with my ex-A, low and behold, he finally lost 100 pounds, went to the doctor and got treated for diverticulitus and other medical issues that were seriously life threatening. When a toxic relationship end, both people get healthier. I do talk to my ex and while he is healthier than he was, he has not stopped drinking, has a new addict partner who steals from him, has countless fights with roommates, and the same ridiculous drama that I lived with for 7 years. So glad it's over.
I do not doubt that our relationship was so sick that both of us would be dead right now if we stayed together. It was like double assisted slow suicide. In choosing recovery, I chose to start living. To me, he is still half dead. I love him for all the time we spent and the good times we had, but he is not my problem any more.
