"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

biglee · Newbie

Life after Rehab (newbie)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Some suggestions I recieved when I came here:
1. Alanon face to face meetings are the place to go for me to get better. The meetings help me see how to change and get the courage to do so.
2. I didn't cause the person to drink/use, I can't cure him and I certainly can't control him, at all, no matter what, ever, the end. I can only change me.
3. Getting to meetings, finding a sponsor and working the steps are the ways I can help me, which in turn helps my situation.

I am sure others will be a long with other suggestions. Welcome here!
Oh on the therapy thing, Alanon has helped me more in a few months than paid therapy ever helped in the 10 years that I went. Alanon is free, is welcoming and we are loved here. The people with time in the program love us and help us learn to love ourselves.
Keep coming back, it works when we work it and you are worth it!

((((HUGS))))
youfoundme

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Biglee, and welcome....

First of all, I would like to (respectfully) take issue with one of your comments - that you "don't blame him" at all.... Of course you do, if you don't I would venture that you are one of the VERY few people who could do this without blame.... His alcoholism has hurt you, scared you, and caused all kinds of issues for you both, and is challenging the relationship that you wanted so much....

Now - all that being said, good for you in trying to recognize 'your part', and acknowledging your feelings and needs in all of this.... His behaviors (arrogance, full of himself, etc) are pretty classic, and all to common.... that is the bad news... the good news is that it is HIS recovery, and he has to find his own path to sobriety.... His timing/path will NOT be on your, or anyone else's timeline.... (I know that sucks, but it is the truth, lol)...

THere is a great old saying: "he will either drink (or be full of himself, or whatever) or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"

Time to choose recovery - for YOU. Dive into a program of recovery - specifically for you.... somewhere safe where you can share your hurts, your good days and your bad..... Al-Anon, posting at sites like this, reading great literature - all that kind of good stuff.... What you will find, in time, is that your focus will turn back onto the only person you can do anything about - YOU.

Hopefully he starts to "get it", and finds his sobriety, and along with that some humility..... But no matter what, you need recovery for you...

Take care

Tom

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to mip!

Hon he is like a seed in the ground. He has not even sprouted yet. It takes time to get into a recovery program and a person has to be ready. Plus recovery takes so much longer than 17 to 30 days to really help them.

What does help if they are serious is to get out and do 90 meetings in 90 days.

That is ALL up to him.

Now Al Anon is for YOU. First the A is insane, they are not thinking clearly at all. So what we can do is make boundaries to protect us. We can tell them please to not call unless they can be positive with you. What he is doing is mental/emotional abuse.

Let them know you will hang up after saying goodbye if he is abusive. The A needs to be taught how to treat you. It is up to us to teach others how to treat us.

You are so worth taking care of you. The more you do, the better and stronger you will feel.

there are meetings here and you can call the number at the bottom of my share to find ones near you.

Getting Them Sober by Toby rice Drew is a GREAT one to start with.

You can come here as much as you want and need to.

ONE day at a time, do what you need to, want to, then dance, read, sing nap!

hugs,debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't sweat not having insurance for private therapy. With me, private therapy had it's limitations. In hindsight, how I wish I hadn't had insurance, because I would have most likely found Al-Anon much, much sooner than I did.

I was married to an alcoholic for 36 years, been divorced for 1 year and found meetings ony 3 months ago. I have found more relief, regarding how living with alcoholism affected me, than I ever did in private therapy. Private sessions helped me on other issues, such as having a mother with Borderline Personality disorder, but not really too helpful with issues surrounding alcoholism.

My opinion: in order for private therapy to be beneficial, the counselor would have to have expertise in alcoholism.

Al-Anon if FREE and is the ticket to my sanity after all these years.

I hope you will serously consider it.

GailMichelle

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Friday 3rd of June 2011 12:15:13 PM

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Friday 3rd of June 2011 12:16:22 PM

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

hi,

glad you found the board it has helped me so much. I have been with my boyfriendsix years, i have been in al anon for 3 an a half years. he went to AA 2 years ago after being sober for six months he slipped when things got bad he went back to AA and went to rehab. he was in rehab for 5 months and did lots of work there. I focused on my meetings and we had miminal contact. went he got out of there he went to sober living where he has been for nearly four months. we do not live together as early recovery is so hard. I too thought once he stopped drinking everything would be fine and ?I strated getting angrey when it never I was hindering his recovery and we have decided to have a break and work on ourselves. Al anon will help with your recovery, there is a little red book called living with sobriety. I got phone numbers of people who had lived with early sobriey. Is there a family worker at the rehab or group? my partner had a drink last week alcoholism can be arressted but not cured I accept today he is very ill drinking or not. he has to live and breath AA and find a higher power to get well thats his job. Mine is to live and breath alanon and contect with my hp. if it is hps will we will recover and be happy but i want to recover even if he doesnt make it I can only sort my own life hope this hel;ps hugs xxxxx

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((biglee)))

There will be a chair waiting for you at a face to face Al-Anon meeting near you at no cost to you, and no insurance required !! Meet and listen to others who have walked in your shoes. Members who will accept you, not judge you, and offer you their experience, strength, and hope......What has worked and is working for them. They have been where you are and will understand you as perhaps no one else can. Coming here is great. You will get many other members replies and ES&H to your post. Listen to what they have to say. You need recovery whether your fiancee choses recovery or not. That will be his choice. He is going to do what he is going to do. What is most important?.....What are you going to do? My suggestion to you and what worked for me is to find that chair that is waiting for you. It's not only the very best thing you can do for yourself , but also the alcoholic in your life.

Keep coming back, read prior posts, put all the focus on yourself and your recovery. Start taking care of yourself first. If you don't who will?

I'm gald you are here. There's nothing like the feeling of not being alone in the disease anymore.....and biglee you are not alone anymore....welcome.

devlynn · Veteran Member

Hi biglee

First, I'm so glad you are here and you have shared your story. Your story reminded me of my own ABF in so many ways. I know how your heart is feeling and what you are going thru!! I can't tell you how important it is for you to keep coming back. I'm very very new here. Less then a week. I went to my first F2F Wednesday night and it was wonderful. Read as much as you can here. It will help you so much.

I have to tell you I think it is very courageous that you have already set a boundary on living separate. My ABF is in jail and although I am still working up the courage to let him know that he too will not be living with me when he comes home, I will be doing the same thing.
IMO that was a major step for you and I applause you. You have helped me gain a bit more courage in setting my own boundaries. thank you!!

So as a newbie who is still tryin to figure out step one, lol I don't have a lot of knowledge with in this program. I can tell you that these are amazing folks. Go to a F2F. Keep coming back. You are NOT alone.

The 3 "C's" have been an amazing inspiration to me this past week. I say it to myself everyday,all day in fact. Anytime I feel week I repeat them in my head.

You can not "control" it
You did not "cause" it
You can not "cure" it

I may not have quoted it exactly but that is how I say it to myself.

Thank you for sharing and please keep coming back!!

((((hugs))))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

In early sobriety, I thought everything I was learning was so freaking profound and I had to share it with everyone. What was really happening was my brain was just beginning to dethaw after being numbed with alcohol for so long. I interviewed at a job at a rehab recently as a therapist and was informed that the point of rehab is to stablize the alcoholic/addict so that they may then begin true recovery which is AA or NA or whatever. Hence, nothing he learns in rehab is going to be "the answer" to the problems. It is just the very tip of the iceberg. The humility and taking responsibility come with working the steps thoroughly. It really develops through working steps 4 through 9. That does not happen in rehab. It happens after a few months or longer in a dedicated AA program with a sponsor guiding him.

Right now his neurons are beginning to fire more appropriately. He is having lots of "brilliant" thoughts probably and some are on the money and most are a bunch of grandiosity and hogwash :) It's all part of early recovery. Just my experience.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"