6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

dotmeg · Newbie

list of "boundaries" or "expectations"

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first got in the program, I had difficulty understanding the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. I tried to set some boundaries, which ended up being general boundaries regarding safety and welfare - such as, "I will not allow you to drive me if you are drunk." This sounds like a simple thing, but it was a boundary I did not have before recovery. I rode with my exAH when he'd been drinking, held on in fear for my life, and was unable to stand up for myself and say no, I would not get in the car.

In my opinion, making a list of boundaries and getting it out there on paper is certainly healthy. However, when I made a list like that, my sponsor had me very carefully examine whether each thing I wrote was a boundary or an ultimatum. Boundaries protect me...like, I am physically protected by not riding with a drunk driver. If I enforce the boundary, I am prepared to follow through with the consequence (getting a cab, calling a friend, taking my own car, etc.) no matter what the other person does. The boundary tells what I will do, it does not dictate what the other person should do. The boundary is set for the sole purpose of protecting me and my children, not to get someone else to do or not do something. A statement such as, "if you drink, I will kick you out," however, if it is made for the purpose of getting the other person to stay sober, is an ultimatum. In my opinion, ultimatums that attempt to get an addict to stay sober set both people up to fail - the addict because someone else is taking on the responsibility of controlling the addiction, and the other person because a) there is a false sense that the addiction is something that the other person is powerful enough to control and b) the other person cannot enforce the boundary (you cannot MAKE another person not drink) and tends to not follow through with the threatened consequence. Just my opinion - but my sponsor helped me make a list of non-negotiable safety type boundaries. When my AH first stopped drinking, I was so angry at him that the first list I made included things that were ultimatums, not just boundaries.

Have you checked into meetings for yourself? If not, I encourage you to do so. Alanon saved my life, and helped me learn how to set boundaries and when. I learned that I did not cause my AH to drink, I could not control his drinking, and I could not cure his drinking. "Boundaries" designed to either control or stop someone else from drinking are not boundaries - they are ultimatums. If just telling a person that they better not drink or else ____ worked, there would be no need for AA. I can't advise what boundaries you may find appropriate at this point, however I do suggest a through motive check of each of the things on your list. If you are attempting to get the other person to act a particular way, that is an ultimatum. If you are simply putting out there what you will do if unacceptable behavior should occur, and you are prepared to follow through with whatever consequence to protect yourself regardless of the other person's behavior, that's a boundary.

Glad to see you, and keep coming back!

-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 3rd of June 2011 07:03:04 AM

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

When I recently called my sponsor in pure hysterics, she suggested that I write a letter to my ABF with pen and paper. The letter is NEVER to be given to him....it needs to be torn up as soon as you finish and re read it. The purpose of the letter is to let all your feelings out; anger, rage, resentment, sadness, etc. I didn't even know I had all these feelings until I read it back to myself. Maybe writing a letter would help you better understand what you are looking for as far as boundaries. I would also suggest going to an Al Anon meeting because you can really get a lot from others.
Best of luck!

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, I had a hard time setting boundaries and respecting them myself for awhile, but now I have boundaries to protect myself. My exAH and I share kids and see each other way too much, so I had to get strong with the idea that boundaries were for me more than for him. It has helped me so much to walk away if he cusses, yells, or talks down at me. I ask him to leave if he is at my place if that happens or if he crosses the line in anyway. If I am near his house and he starts anything I am not comfortable with I leave immediately. I am teaching him how to treat me day by day. I have taken plenty of abuse from him and I decided no more of it. I feel so much better knowing I don't deserve to be his doormat. I am also teaching my children how to walk away instead of having these going no where kind of arguements we used to have. I have asked him not to drink if he is going to be near our girls and if it occurs my 13 year old will let me know and I will pick them up. This is for thier safety, I find it sad that I had to set some of the boundaries I have, but I do see it had to be done and with it I have a new awareness that I never had before I attended Al-anon. Like White Rabbit said this program can be a life saver when you gain these tools and use them. Thanks for posting!

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Friday 3rd of June 2011 07:26:42 AM

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

You have come to the right place, going to Face To Face Alanon meetings are the best suggestion I was given. At first I didn't want to go. I didn't know what it was really for, but I knew I needed to go, so I went. It took me a while to find a meeting that fit me, but in the mean time I came here, I read lots of literature and I posted shares here. I am finding for me, that a boundary is something to help me. I can say "I will not buy you alcohol, or take you to get it" Thats for me. If he wants to walk out the door and go get it, thats his thing. I can also help the whole situation by if he does drink to stop taking it personally, to Remain Calm, to not react and to take time to respond. I can move to another room, wherever he falls asleep if he is in a black out, I can detach with love, by just throwing a blanket over him and going about my own business. If he drinks or uses, I can do my own thing! I can take a bath, read a book, go outside, play with the kids etc. Pretend as if he is off doing his own thing. I can sit with him even if he drinks now and stay calm and things go WAY better. Boundaries are for your safety. I hope you make it to a real time meeting, its worth it and so are you!

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome to alanon! This is not a small order, establishing boundaries can take time and work (it helps to get to meetings, find a sponsor (a program mentor) that will guide you through the steps and challenging things like setting boundaries.

In a pinch- here is my ESH on this (my fav subject): You have to focus on what you can do and then keep your own focus on what you are doing. Dont be distracted by what he is or is not doing, bc when we fixate and focus (stare) at others, we lose ourselves and feed the collective disease. The A- (to me, this is all just my opinion/experience) to me is a bit like a vampire-- they suck our energy, emotions, thoughts, time, money, resources -and- they are excellent master manipulators and have honed this craft their whole lives.

We who are codepedent enalbers (especially those of us who grew up with dysfunction) are also masters at manipulation and we tend to blame us for their choices. This is the first step- u must not blame you or try to fix the consequences that his actions create-- learn to stop enabling in program (in the rooms, mtgs). Focusing on YOU and not others, is the first critical step to getting your life back from the disease/others.

To set boundaries, you first need to make a list of all of your basic needs versus the wants and fantasies. Our needs are things that cannot be negotiated, we need: shelter, food, warmth, clothing, sustenace, the (emotional) need of acknowledgement, we need our own love, too. Practice loving you as your own best friend and first priority. Self love was severely lacking in my mom when I was growing up and she never modeled that for me, so as an adult, I am re-parenting and nurturing myself where it seemed like my parents & childhood left off.

The wants and fantasies & goals, they are important and valid, but goals are what we work towards -- the fantasies, we need to identify, grieve and practice not living in denial or fantasy anymore. Our wants are irrelevant when it comes to our needs. Keep the needs in your mind and it will make establishing boundaries easier and more successful for you. Start with a small boundary, you know you will be able to enforce bc if you cannot carry out the consequence to a boundary - it is only an empty threat and no one respects those. Also, know that ultimatums dont work, they back fire on us every time.

So then you boundary your needs. The boundaries are for you, to proterct you, they are not to control someone else's behavior, so it has to be something you have control over. If your consequence doesnt work, you need a new one or to re-evaluate the boundary. The guidleines helped me on my journey and still do - they work, when you work them.

You can have rules for your home, rules that if they are broken, he will be out. Idk what they are, maybe you dont have alcohol in the house bc you have teenagers, idk. I think houose rules are different from boundaries but there is no reason u cant still use the steps to carry out the consequences to them. Boundaries are personal things that protect you directly or your children. The house rules could be for everyone across the board. No one smokes in the house, for example. No one has loud music or tv on after a set time, stuff like that. When you make a mess, you clean it up.

Well keep us posted, if you need help with it as you go, keep on posting and let us know how to goes.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents: I made my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me bc I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.

Take what u like & leave the rest. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like. If you dont stand up for YOU, who will? If not now, when? You can change right now. Life is consecutive moments of right now. Make it something you can feel good about owning. We owe us our own respect and only we can deliver it.

dotmeg · Newbie

Thanks to all of you who have responded. I will have to carefully think this through. I have to say, I really admire those of you who truly live in the midst of this. My saving grace was that he moved out on his own. If he had not done that, I'm not sure I would have been able to ask him to leave (and he might not have anyway) and I believe I might have gone insane. First he moved into his mom's house then got his own apartment then the legal troubles started and the extended stays in jail. Another dilemma I have is that over the years his mom has tried to transfer "responsibilities" to me. (I'm not saying these things were her responsibility, either, but there wasn't anyone to handle these things) Over the last few years he has pretty much isolated himself from others and/or everyone has separated themselves from him and that has left only his mother and me to pick up after him. It is obvious that his mom is tired of handling his mess but I don't want it, either. He left us, and I don't feel it is my responsibility nor do I want to handle issues such as his finances. A few years ago I filed for a legal separation to protect what my children and I had left. I feel like I don't need to touch anything related to his finances 1) because it might affect my legal standing to be protected from his messes and 2) because I have no desire to. Any suggestions? Also, for example, a couple of years ago after he went to jail I was the one who dealt with the management at the apartment complex and cleaned out the apartment. (Is that ironic - he leaves us and I clean his apartment) Again, I'm not saying his mom should have to handle these things either, but there is no one else. Any suggestions?

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Something I was told in the beginning is to not clean up after the qualifier (alcoholic). That they should suffer the consequences of their own actions, just like the rest of us. If my A doesn't pay a bill, thats on him. I make sure anything that we pay together, he gives me cash for in advance. Other than that, his stuff is his stuff. His mom used to pay all his bills for him, with his money. She would dole out an allowance for him each week, she kept from him his money, his debit card, his check book, his lisence and so on. She did EVERYTHING for him. Finally she gave it all up and let him have it. Now he can live with what he does. He is an adult. When we detach with love, it allows the other person to be who they are. My only suggestion to you is to go to alanon and work the steps with a sponsor. The meetings have helped tremendously.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

It is not ironic sweetheart, it is enabling... you and his mom are the two left still enabling him and as hard as this seems-- the best way to help them reach their bottoms is to stop enabling, being that soft place for him to fall on -- dont shield him from the consequences of his actions -- unless and until you stop enalbing, fixing, cleaning up after him and being willing to make it easier for him -- u are contributing to his inability to change and get to solving his own problems. I mean-- that is YOUr choice to enable him-- and if you never stop picking up his messes, he wont have any incentive to change, why should he you and his mom make is so easy. For that matter as long as his mom continues to worry about his problems, try to solve his life for him, why would he stop that too? She bore him and has (probably) always enabled him -- I think a lot of us codies get mothering confused with being responsible for an adult's entire life and choices. Parents need to learn to detach emotionally as the kid becomes an adult person.

Adults are going to do, what they are going to - nothing you can do about that. Accept others for who they show you they are - and stop being in denial about the fact that you are powerless to influence him one way or another. This is part of letting go of all expectations -- bc expectations only end up hurting you in the end - just stay in reality, it is much easier for us. Learn how to take care of yourself and by all means, do what you need to legally to be dis-engaged from his responsibilities or you will never get any peace, they boomerang. It is hard to rid yourself of an A, when you want to - and they dont get it until it is way too late -- that has been my experience with them all. The boundaries then keep you from getting back involved emotionally by feeling guilty and responsible - dont blame yourself - take the me out of blame and you get blah blah-- so let him have the blah blah and you take positive and constructive - healthier- actions in your own life and live it one day at a time. You are right, having your own space makes it easier, especially at first -- but then you get less opportuniites for growth and in learning how to stop being an enalber.

One of the suggestions I found from dating advice was this: to not ask adults (leading) questions. Adults will do what they want, when they want. They will share with you if they want to-- trust me when a man has something to tell a woman he wants to impress - there is nothing that could stop him from doing just that. So dont ask questions or control, micro manage or guide -- respectfully allow them the dignity and respect to solve their own lives, issues, unresolved emotions, crises, attitudes, problems et cetera... . I found the no questions rule for me, personally- was a way I could see how very often I did attempt to manipulate and gain control by leading or directing- "helping" its tricky and it comes in so many different masks. Emotional boundaries allow me to not take their junk personally and to detach with love and compasssionate understanding.

Who knew being still, quiet, thoughtful - instead of reactive and loud- would be so much more effective.

Miki · Newbie

Not related to boundaries but many of you are speaking about getting a sponsor. I have been to only a couple of Al-Anon meetings, and no one mentioned sponsors. I think I would have been more consistent with the program had I had a sponsor. Do all programs have them? Do I ask for one? How does it work?

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Boundaries are interesting for me they are almost usless when dealing with an alcoholic or addict you can tell them what you want just dont expect them to follow them , boundaries are actions on my part today I decide how I will be treated no one gets to holler at me today if it starts I ask that they stop or I am going to walk away - if they dont its now up to me to walk away . * unless of course there is a prob of physical abuse * If I want respect I learned that boundaries are the way to get it . It was difficult for me to admit that I taught people how to treat me by allowing unexceptable behavior over and over again . Expectations are killers , lower them and your life will get easier . If one of your boundaries is sober or no visiting the family , learn to trust what your seeing and act accordingly . I learned there that prior to this program I built walls instead of boundaries which caused me alot of problems walls are unmovable , boundaries are adjustable . Just my opinion . Louise

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES