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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What should I tell my child?
Post Info TOPIC: What should I tell my child?
jenel25


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What should I tell my child?
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Over the past few years my husband's alcoholism has gotten much worse. My daughter is nearly 7 and by now I know she realizes that sometimes daddy's drinking makes me very unhappy, and I think she's just beginning to realize that when he behaves obnoxiously it has something to do with his drinking beer.

Last night, he got so drunk on the way home from work that, after calling and talking incoherently to me on the phone, he pulled his pickup truck into a Walmart parking lot and passed out for 3 hours.  While we drove around looking for him, my daughter wondered why he would get lost and worried that hed never find his way home.  When he finally called, slurring, he told me where he was and said that he was now OK to drive.  Our daughter heard me yelling at him to stay there, DO NOT DRIVE!, and she looked frightened when I hustled her into the car.  She sat in the car alone for several minutes when he refused to give me his keys and get in the car.  After getting in the car, he argued for several minutes that if I stopped to get him some fast food he would be OK to drive (apparently McDonalds is the cure for extreme intoxication) until I told him that I would say out loud why he couldnt drive if he continued to argue.  After we got home, he insisted that we had to go back to Walmart because he had forgotten to lock his trailer.  When I told him that he had parked his trailer in its usual spot at work, he didnt believe me.  As I read our daughter a bed time story, he asked her, Honey, is mommy telling the truth? 

My daughter is a very bright, happy, loving child.  I think maybe the time has come to talk to her about her fathers alcoholism, but I worry is she too young?  How to I put it into terms that she can understand?  If my husband knew I discussed his drinking problem with her he would be upset and angry.  How do I handle this?



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GailMichelle


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Welcome Jenel 25!

I know you've posted requesting advice. Usually, we don't give advice on this board, only our experience, strength and hope (ES&H).

I'm glad that you've reached out for help, however. It is a good start.

I had many questions too regarding  how handle the effects of my ex's alcoholism. Even though I divorced last June, I still have a lot of questions and emotional baggage. So I sought help by attending Al-Anon meetings and reading the literature. Through listening to others at meetings share their experiences and what they do to help themselves find serenity and through reading daily the literature, I have discovered that answers to my questions are being revealed in a multiude of ways.

By chance, do you attend Al-Anon meetings? If not, I hope you seriously consider doing so.

Again, welcome and hope you join us as often as needed.

GailMichelle



-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 2nd of June 2011 12:54:46 PM

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RLC


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Welcome Jane,

I agree with Gail, Alanon face to face meetings in your area would be the best thing for you. Not only has your daughter been effected by her daddy's drinking but you also. The Al-Anon program has been around for 60 years this year with groups world wide. You need and deserve the help and support this program can give you.

You will receive replies to your post from other members. I would also suggest going to the top of this page and typing in "Telling Children" in the search bar. There are 40 to 50 topics on what to tell children and replies from other members. I think it will be very helpful to you.

HUGS,
RLC



-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 2nd of June 2011 01:14:53 PM

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kitty


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I think what is important when it comes to parenting any child is to be honest, age appropriate and vague - too many details are not necessary.  As you say, she is beginning to put the pieces together.

I personally would have loved it if my mom had told me anything about her emotions as she went through them.  Yes, the emotional outbursts we display- cause children to worry and we take big note of the outburst and how the power then plays out.  A huge part of that fact, is that most of us are in denial - the fact that you are aware, helps her (and you) already.  Obvioulsy what you choose to say is up to you and your child's awareness and intellignece ought to be factors.  I can also say as an acoa - being brought into adult situations, issues and world-- should not be rushed for children, however we who grow up with addiction, grow up much faster then others bc of this fact.  So whatever you do, be honest, say something nonchalantly and then tell her, we are not going to take it personally - it is daddy's issue to solve and distract and redirect her.  Incidentally working program will ultimately be the best thing for your AH and you and your daughter.  Self acceptance, self resepct/love and using boundaries are key to having a great, peaceful life.

For ex, in the moment (right after she heard you on the phone yelling) I think it would be okay to say, "I got upset for a second and I am okay, calmer now.  Everything will be okay," and that's it.  Let her know it is human to feel, express it and let that go and move on, to forgive yourself and try better/start over.  It's okay to ask for forgiveness too.  

My mom was good at allowing me to express my feeelings and listening but it felt like she often took them personally and that hurt me doubly.  I wish she had preached and practiced self love, how to  have emotional boundaries (for my own respect and self esteem and to not focus on my parent's needs) and to focus on feeling my own emotions through.   Today I dont take them personally, their actions and outbursts and reactions -- their life choices are just that.

She will be hearing from peers and maybe even on tv that alchohol and drugs are a part of life and society.  Some people have an allergy to alcohol/drugs and it causes them to be sick sometimes.  We cannot control or change them, we didnt cause it, we cant cure it --- so we exercize resepct by expressing how we feel and then we let it go, we turn them over to their HP/god and we get busy enjoying our own life and pursuing our needs and passions.   

As a young kid I thought it was my job to entertain my mom, cheer her up, distract her, please her anyway I could.  I wish she had told me that I was wasting my own life worrying about her - but how could she have known, she was in denial about it.  My mom always felt sad to me, this underlying sadness under the drive to "appera perfect in every way" - that what acoa's/codies do.  Today I know Im human and allow me to make mistakes, this way we keep on growing. 

Keep going to your face to face mtgs and gettting some assistance there, ask your sponsor too.  I think alatot has pretty much ended, they did have a book called, What's drunk mama for small kids, it explains it but does not speak about how not to take their behavior personally, how to detach with love and respect by loving the self first.  When we honor and value ourselves, we honor others too and we have respect and boundaries so that we know how to keep ourselves safe/protected.

When she is ready, there is also alateen.  You could go to the www.al-anon.al-ateen.org  to get some alateen pamphlets or info- its a lil early for that yet but if she is advanced she may be ready for it earlier. 

The bottom line, is you know your child best- I think the best esh is honest, vague and age appropriate.   Searching the archived posts is a great idea- for any topic.   I look forward to seeing what other members have to say about this program issue of parenting.



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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
jenel25


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Thank you all for sharing, you've been very helpful.

Kitty, you really struck a chord with me - I think my daughter has a lot of the feelings you had as a child. I also deal with an adult daughter with severe mental illness, and my little one works SO hard all the time to please me, entertain me, make me happy, because despite the fact that I try to shield her, she knows that I struggle and am often sad. I've recognized this need to please in her for a long time, and I worry so much about her. She needs to know that this is not her job, her burden, or her fault.

I've read a lot about Alanon and try to live - somewhat successfully - by their guidelines. I want to attend meetings, but have avoided doing so because I haven't had the stomach for the guilt trip my husband will lay on me, and I hate the thought of leaving my daughter with him. I don't trust that he'll stay sober, and he teases her incessantly when he's been drinking. I need Alanon, though, I know it. It's time for me to suck it up, work out the details, and get myself there. Tonight...maybe..........

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Jerry F


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Aloha Jenel...Welcome to the board...read over Hamburgers Number 1 step...Those are the 3C's of awareness inside of Al-Anon and they have helped me get out of the guilt and shame of the disease and the blame the alcoholic tries to use to stay in denial about who really is causing their problem.    I use to work with the adolescent children of alcoholics and addicts...mostly I didn't talk to them...they talked to me and I just listened.  When they hit on thoughts and feelings that I also went/go thru while living with an alcoholic I then share that they are right and I feel the same.  You can find literature at face to face meetings that will also help her.  Just go and tell him if you care to that you're needing help trying to cope.   If he ask you with what...tell him "lot'sa stuff".

Keep coming back here anyway...cause there is magic and miracles here.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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youfoundme


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Hi and welcome here! (((HUGS)))
You are not alone! For me the face to face meeting is the only way to go. Being there, listening and learning is how I have begun to get better. The other day when I wanted to go to the meeting but I had my 8 year old son home with me (he is usually at his dad's that night), I had talked to some one from the alanon meeting about it, that I wanted to go but didn't know if I could because maybe my Abf couldn't watch my son. She suggested I pray to HP about it and ask for help to get to the meeting. Guess what? I prayed and it worked out! My bf was able to watch my son, he didn't get drunk that night, and it went great. Normally he is great with my son, so its not really an issue, but I knew I didn't want to go to the meeting if he had been drinking. Anyway, long story short, it works when we work it :) The person I called from alanon helped me to relax and let my HP take care of the situation. There is something we say at the meeting at the end, "It works when you work it, and you're WORTH IT" Codependency really makes us feel like we are not worth anything, but we are! Take care of you!

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canadianguy


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Welcome Jenel, and you've already received lots of great responses...  One thing I would like to add, from my experience (I went through the same thing with my ex-AW, when our kids were very young)...

I think it is key that you own YOUR relationship with your daughter, but try NOT to own/rationalize/explain your hubby's relationship with her.... When she is upset or scared about his drinking - all you can really know, and tell her from your heart, is that "you love her, and she is safe"....  If she asks you (which she will, if she hasn't already) "why does Daddy drink so much", all you can really answer her is - "I don't know honey, but I love you, and you are safe"....

 

I learned from some oldtimers in the program that I could NOT take responsibility for my wife's relationship with our kids - that was hers, as messed up as it was at the time....  My kids got VERY used to hearing those words to them "I love you, and you are safe" - and that was really all I could truly promise them...

 

Hope that helps, and please keep coming back

 

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
jenel25


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Thank you everyone! I have to say...I work so hard to keep a semblance of security and normalcy for my little girl, and I've really learned to keep my emotions in check over the years (I've always been a very emotional person). So when I read these responses - kind, supportive words meant for ME from people who know exactly what I'm going through...WOW, the tears really start rolling! This happens to me - I can discuss these issues from an intellectual, adult/caretaker standpoint with no problem, but the second someone (as "caretaker") offers support to me (the one "in need"), I fall apart. I am going turn into a big blubbering MESS the second I open my mouth at an Al-anon meeting.

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canadianguy


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and if you cry your eyes out at that first meeting (and even the second or third), it will be therapeutic, supportive, and will be exactly what you need..... Emotions are not a bad thing (said from a man who is quite comfortable with crying).

 

T



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
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