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Honestly - this is just a vent. I have to do it as I am losing it this very minute. Peak hour/dinner time/bed time in the family home. He had drunk one bottle of wine onto the next. He thinks he's funny and I don't know what - I just find it unsettling, loud, boistourous (sp?) and just generally not conducive to settling my little one (and also I am pregnant). I know I am irritable. But I can't stand it when he gets like this. I say something and all hell breaks lose - I am a downer, I want everyone to be perfect, I throw tantrums when I don't get my way, its all me. Then I do start yelling at my daughter. She starts throwing her story books because she's now bossing me how to read the story and I tell her its not on. blah blah. Where is the peace in this and why do I feel like dying right now. I am a 'xxxx' mother right now. Leaving her and this world would be even a 'xxxx' choice. I'm not going to do that. It's just how I feel and probably all the above seems so - so trival - but its wearing me down.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 3rd of June 2011 12:01:49 PM
((((HAYES))))) You are not alone! I have been there, feeling the same exact things! I have even been sent to the psych. hospital for 5 days to get help at one point for being suicidal! This was all before I met my Abf, but I have been there. We are not unique. I hope this finds you feeling a little better.
When my Abf drinks, I have been using a few of the slogans that work for me: Don't react! Remain Calm! Let go and let god...and let it begin with me, the change I want to see in the house, the world, the family, has to begin somewhere so let it begin with me. Some things I do when my abf drinks and starts being like you say: Keep moving to different rooms, lay down and read with child, close the door if I have to. Smile, use good body language, and above all remain calm and don't react. When I react, say something that gets things going, or react to his stuff, things don't go so well. When I remain calm and keep away and do my own thing, I feel better and nothing happens. A lady from alanon meeting explained to me: When he is drinking, pretend like he is out for the night, do things I want to do for me to relax, stay calm and act as if its a night just for me. In the morning, don't rub his nose in it, thats resentment. Wake up, say good morning, and go pleasantly about my day. I know its hard, but its simple too. And I know that the changes in me and my attitude can help everyone :) Keep on working :) It works when you work it and you're worth it! Have you gone to face to face meetings? Those are the greatest suggestion I have ever followed. It helps to have a person to call that is in program... Take care of you and the little ones :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I know how hard it is and I defiently hear loud and clear that you are taking it all on (everyone else's junk) and blaming you for it. It is not all you but yes, each person does contribute something to the scenario - but it is never all YOU, that is not fair and it is not true. It is vital that you get these negative feelings out about what you are feeling. Our feelings are not us, but they can seem totally over whelming at times. Do you think about suicide often? I ask bc of that one line in there -- I did have suicidal ideations for 25 years, I know how humiliating it feels to even want to think about that stuff and I know how debilitating the depression and anger is when we dont get it out of us. At least in meetings and writing it here, it is a way to get it out and in black and white -- talking about that did help me immesely here and others could relate to it too. Addiction does allow us to be insane, even more so then the A bc they dont ever feel the emotions of the family like the sober people do. The kids too, feel it and cannot articulate it.
I think it may help, say when ur little one is not settling down - and throwing the books. Get on the floor and say to her, "I can see that you are angry (or frustrated now) and talk to her about it. Ask her to voice how she feels. Nothing about our feelings is "wrong" bc they are just feelings -- however the way we deal with them can go wrong fast-- tell her talking about it to you, is okay. That she can come to you and tell you anything.
I would def be careful not to take your feelings out on her or yell at her- that will set her up to not trust you. I know my aunt would get all emotional and yell at her daughter and me and I never told her a single thing - I never trusted her or went to her. Kids are real little and an emotionally upset adult is rather scary. Plus it teaches them -that the power is in a huge outburst and that is no way to get through life with others well.
We get our self esteem by taking actions that allow us to feel self resepct on the inside. I would guess right now, you are still blaming and condemning yourself for all that goes wrong. Fire yourself from being in charge of the whole world and being the "only responsible one" in the house. Maybe that is true-- you do all the stuff at home and make the decisions -- just allow your AH to be who he is and accpet it and dont try to change his feelings or mind-- bc that never works and they only resent us for it, and then we resent them for not taking our stellar advice.
The only way to help an A. is to work a solid program of your own - and detach with love from him and his behavior. How he feels, if he gets mad or whatever-- let him have it and you can focus on feeling better than that. I was told not to go to every invitation to a fight I got-- and I got plenty-- it is all bait to get you into the drama of the manipulative games.
YOU did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it! but YOU can control and change YOU. Letting them be them and working on the self - the changes we make empower us and we begin to feel better and see it does work and help when we apply it.
Please keep sharing about your feelings here and in f2f mtgs or the chat room mtgs we have here. Honestly the online mtgs (bc I was truly anonymous) helped me to get brutally honest-- bc online I couldnt see you cringe when I spoke of my suicidal thoughts which allowed me to not feel shamed about having them in the first place. Please never think that ending it all will help anyone. I read a book on survival's guilt from suicides and the family always blames themselves-- I could not bear that. I decided to try to work my program and see if I could learn something entirely new and different bc my old line of thinking - got me to attempt suicide three different ways over a 21 year period. Nothing is worth dying for-- the only hope is in the living and there is a lot of hope in the world - it just depends on where you look.
YOU are not alone anymore with this, we do understand. I hope you keep coming back and stay for the miracle of YOU. Today, life is a miracle for me and I am so grateful each day I can say-- I am still here! If you ever want to chat directly with me, I will be happy to talk to you about it. (PM or email me directly) A friend in recovery, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Living with an active addiction is a crazy-maker, and it's NEVER trivial! Your feelings are what they are - don't put yourself down for having them. They don't make you a bad person, they make you human just like everyone else. At least you recognize that things are going downhill and you're reaching out for help - that in itself is a step in the right direction!
One of my all-time favorite recovery books is "Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Rokelle Lerner. Here's a portion from one of my very favorite readings, dated June 16: "Today I will be gentle with myself...I will experience this day without demanding perfection from myself...To promote my recovery, I live each moment treating myself with gentleness and kindness...I feel renewed and encouraged as I concentrate less on finding the correct answers to my problems and more on how I am treating myself along the way. As I learn to take care of myself, answers will come."
As hard as it is, ignore the alcoholic. Take care of yourself today. Be gentle, patient and understanding with yourself today. As you do, the benefits of treating yourself well will spill over to your daughter.
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Dear Hayes, I am hearing your level of stress. Because I have been a young mother and pregnant (a long time ago) I feel the need to reach out to you. I read your previous posts and it looks to me like you are trying your d****est to cope, but you have been living with a huge level of stress for quite a long period of time.
My dear, you are pregnant, and have a toddler,--- you have the responsibility of three! That is a big load on anyone. Now, I know you are aware of this because you have spoken of it. I applaud you for this awareness.
Please take a few minutes and reread the post that pinkchip made to you in Februrary. That is basically what I would say to you myself. From my experience I think it is good advice.
YOU have the opportunity (and responsibility) to decide what your life is going to look like for you and your children. Your little ones have no vote, no choice, no voice. They are absorbing the home environment like sponges. Even your unborn one is effected by your body's reactions to stress/ or tranquility.
I would like to mention one thing prophylatically to you, as I have had some experience with it in my line of work. It would be a good idea (in my opinion) educate yourself on postpartum depression, and clue your doctor in on what is going on in your life. I am not saying that this is going to happen, but it sometimes does and is very serious when it does. I'm just saying that "forewarned is forearmed" Taking care of your own needs is just sooo critical for you right now.
Hayes, I realize that I might be sounding a little pushy to you. I feel that you need lots of support and help right now. I know lots of other posters are pullling for you and your little family right now. Please try to take this in the vein that it intended.
I offer this sincerely and lovingly, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Thursday 2nd of June 2011 10:05:45 AM
Sorry you are at this Place today, I know when I am At My Lowest... I have to Try and do a Couple things... One is If theres a Face to Face meeting I can Attend.. SOON :0) Or I have to Ask Myself 'What is REALLY Bothering me?' Is it My Alcoholic, Is in My Child, Or Do I Just Need a Little time to Myself to Recharge and get my head back on straight... I know that with Kids things move most times at "Their" Pace not Mine... But I also had to take a long HARD look at myself as a Parent as well... What was "I" Doing To my Child? What was MY Part in it? and that was Tough... Because I was Sooo Mad at the Alcoholic I KNEW It HAD To be HIS Fault... Most of the time... It was Mine! Because I Gave the ALcoholic MY POWER... I Allowed them to Dictate My Mood for the Day, I Allowed them to Make me Feel Like I was Unworthy, And I Allowed them to Treat me bad because I was Argueing with a SICK Person, that Really wasn't a benifit to Them Or ME! I know How Hard it is to Just STOP!!! When I am Ticked & Can't Stand my own Skin & want someone to PAY For My Misery, Who better to take it out on then the Alcoholic... Then after I would do that .... which was to Make me Feel better! I Felt Worse, Because Now I Regreted Starting the Fight to begin with! I regreted Stooping to the Level of Ignorace, I was Telling them NOT To DO!
If You Keep Coming Back, Even on Your Worst Days, and You Will See Improvement, & When times are to Tough to Get thru, Come here or to a F2F Meeting, and Allow Someone else to Carry you when times are tough... We ALL go thru them, We ALL Have Moments of Regret, & Failure, but those times Do Not Define Us, They Only Make us Stronger for the Next Great thing that is Coming our Way...
Please Take what you Like & Leave the Rest & YES... KEEP COMING BACK!!!! We Need You Just as Much as You Need Us Friends in Recovery
Thank you so much everyone. Thank you, thank you. I truly do not feel like I am alone which is a very good start. I don't know what my decisions will be or where to from here. But I got through the night. I had a reasonable sleep and today I am going to take the advice from a quote above and take it easy on myself - be gentle with myself. I am going to focus on my daughter as well. I don't really know what else to say. My alcoholic is moody - I can tell that already but I am just going to try and get the focus back onto me and not play into it. I don't have to take that on. I am not sure how I am going to do this - I am just going to keep asking for help. Will write more again soon. x Thank you. x
One thing that came to me the other night was this absoulute realisation that I have felt like all my life "people are angry with me" and I've spent all my life trying to make up for "whatever it is I have done wrong". I am very, very tired of people always being angry with me. And the fear, obligation and guilt that goes with it. Tired of it and there is a part of me somewhere that realises I don't deserve that feeling.
Today is panning out so much better guys. Have done two craft activities with my little one before her afternoon school visit. Things are calm. In fact partner is out mowing the lawns before the expected rain. And I haven't told him once what to do today....strangely enough he's doing what we both know needs to be done. I think I might continue to take my boss hat off for the rest of the day and see how it goes. I've asked my higher power and this group (in a spiritual way) to be with me today...x
Just wanted to do an update at the end of the day - 'keep coming back' as was recommended and because i felt it would be respectful of me to touch base again. I felt that people really cared how I was doing when I posted in desperation and also I had mentioned suicidal thoughts - this can be a trigger for people I know (having experienced 7 suicides within my family) and can really concern people. This group responded to me out of care and I don't even know you! How special is that.
It really is no good for me to come on here or to a meeting and take a bit of advice/knowledge and think I am good for a few months until I hit crisis point again! Nor is is respectful when people take the time to share their support and experience with me to just take it and run... if that makes sense?
Today I have really thought to myself this is something I have to work at. Just like my Dad who is fighting a terminal disease - motor neuron - it has no cure, in fact there is very little hope - just hope to last as long as you can, but he's not giving up and he doesn't even have what i have - in that there is knowledge that this disease of alcoholism and co-dependancy can be 'arrested' as such - his can't, but he continues to work daily to have quality of life for what time he has here in this world. He keeps working on his health and he doesn't just follow 'doctor's orders' for a day and then get to go on as if things are 'normal' for weeks on end in denial or self-pity. He has to maintain his 'program'. Learn new ways and so forth. And he certainly didn't choose his disease either - far from it.
Today has worked out so great - espeically in comparison to yesterday - baby steps (once again) but I really worked on letting go, not trying to get it all perfect, and taking of my boss/control cap. Each time an 'opportunity' (actually a better word would be compulsion) came up to try and control I tried a 'what if' experiment with myself and stepped back. And each time I was surprised with the result - many times I wanted to step in as I was cringing - lol - but it wasn't too bad!
The gardening got done (after me displaying daily resentment towards my partner over it for over 3 months!) and just in time for the beautiful rain, my daughter had a great day with some really good behaviour and more importantly laughter and some good "chats" about how she was feeling about stuff- not big 'adult' stuff just 4 year old things important to HER - I spent quality time with her without feeling irritable, her school visit went great and we spent a relaxing evening with friends over at their place and I didn't feel like my partner was my child - more my 'equal' - lol - funny that. I relaxed and enjoyed myself and didn't feel like I had to watch his every move. And we all had a great night!
My brother stepped up and helped look after my father who is terminally unwell. (And I mean really stepped up). In many ways I had a day off! My brother probably felt like he had room to move and to do what needed to be done without me giving him orders.
And my partner didn't drink - not that this is really part of it. It's not really - he'll probably drink tomorrow. And I do actually accept this is the case. I accept (today!) that there are the good parts that go along with him as a person and accepting the power of the disease that comes with the package of him - well that has to be part of it for now. Not accepting the behaviour - accepting the disease. (I don't know if any of what I am writing is 'right' - its just my thoughts/ideas today from observation). And I am tired now and I know I am not writing this too fantastically or making it easy to read. I just feel the need to jot it down!
It's not the drinking its the behaviour/the symptoms of the disease that are the 'problem' and by hell they are in me too.
Don't know what I am trying to say except that - today panned out so much better than I would have thought. Nothing major but I am very happy with the small progress of one day at a time. No nothing was perfect about today. Nothing was resolved about our argument last night. All that was said was that we both said to eachother 'we are both learning'. Who knows if that's manipulation on his part - who knows if he mean it. We talked about recovery with our friends tonight and in private earlier he told me he appreciated me leaving him alone last night instead of going on and on about the drinking (the point where i cam on here to vent). And I do know that coming on here last night and venting rather than going in to his 'room' and berating him last night when he was drunk worked out so much better than the usual - him driving off/walking off, major screaming, me threatening and yelling etc. Lets just hope I remember this for next time.
Today I felt supported by a HP, by this group, by the Al Anon principles and by the people who had responded to what I thought was a really trivial response. I didn't feel the extreme distress I felt last night and I think this is something I really need to carry with me - that the moments I have like that - do pass. They wouldn't have a chance to 'pass' if I made a tragic, tragic decision to act on how I 'feel' in those moments of extreme distress. I am sure I'll find myself back in this place of distress again - in fact I sort of know it - but I have learnt today.
So thank you. I think I'll try again tomorrow. In fact, I am going to make a commitment too. Thank you.
KEEP COMING BACK 
ONE DAY AT A TIME