The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past weekend, my wife and I took our kids to a bounce house. For those who are not familiar, bounce houses are basically large warehouses filled with giant inflatable bouncing things, slides, etc. Our kids love them, as do all kids. I only wish they had them when I was younger!
Anyway, we love seeing our kids enjoy themselves at a place like this. They go from slide to trampoline to slide, etc. We encourage them from a distance, but mostly just let them explore on their own.
On our most recent trip, I was so surprised at how "attached" the other parents were to their kids. My wife & I were one of the only groups of parents who were not actually in the bounce houses with their kids. The other parents followed their kids like shadows, pulling them this way and that. I heard more than one mom say "oh, why don't you try this one now?". One dad actually held his child (toddler, probably 3 years old) and bounced up and down, basically depriving the child of the entire experience!
It really was an eye opener for me...and a few days later, I realized how I can apply this to my interactions with my wife and others...you hear so much about detaching, and how you can't solve your qualifier's problems. But it's also important to let your qualifier have their happy moments and joys and excitement without trying to control that as well. Live and let live.
We all have so many challenges in our daily lives, but sometimes there are moments of pure happiness--the bounce houses of our adult lives! It's important to just enjoy them for what they are. Let the happy moments play out naturally, let your qualifier navigate them how he or she will and don't ruin the moment by trying to control it.
Right on! Allowing others to be and feel themselves ~ with us not wanting to naviagte, direct, cajole or manipulate - is a big mile stone. Loving emotional detachment means a lot of things -- it certainly does mean, not interfering and allowing others to figure out who they are and to have their indovidual experiences, even though we may be going through that together and simultaneously- it is still an individual experience/perception.
Isnt it great to see how "program" works in all other aspects of life/living? It does get better and this same spirit of -respect- is what you are growing now, will continue. As we stay on our 'side of the fence' we get new plateaus in program. Way to go! kcb
You can sometimes see our disease in action - like others training their kids to be codependent enablers that will eventually also become control freaks, too just like their parental units. Those poor stressed out families- cant give each other a few minutes to miss each other's company for five minutes to explore, play and be kids-- I was a kid like that, it felt like I was being raised in a microscope at times, like I was a specimen she would (or could) not relate to. I would wage big money that the kids of those (helicopter) parents feel very stressed out too. So, instead of saying "ugh!" I say, for the grace of god, there go I, and today I know better. Glad you are able to take a break and enjoy watching them actually play!!! Way to not interefere and be. Great work.
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 1st of June 2011 01:44:56 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
When we live in the disease our concentration and focus is all on the program. We practice and work it to the best of our ability. The side effects come later when we turn the corner and realize.....Hey, this program does work in all my affairs !!
This is such a great analogy!! I LOVE it! It is awesome to see my friends' recoveries at work - kinda sneaks up on you, but all of a sudden you don't think the same anymore! YAY!
I meant to point out in my original post how the parents truly felt they were doing the right thing; just like I always felt like I was doing the right thing when I was trying to control my wife. They aren't bad parents, and I wasn't a bad husband. I think they were just afraid to let go and let their kids just explore and discover and just well--just be kids!
I am so glad to read your post. I took my nephew to a bouncy place, it was awesome. We were the only ones there so I played too. Amazing how fast bouncing can wear me out and he was still full of bounce. Thankfully other kids and parent figures showed up. I saw some of the same actions as you described going on and to be honest started thinking maybe I was not paying close enough attention. But the facility was perfectly safe and I was loving watching my nephew gain confidence and leave my side and just go have fun. I had not given any thought to how my toolbelt was being put to work in my relationship with my nephew and I am grateful for that small glimpse. I hope this natural progress towards using the principles in all my affairs continues
Us2B....White Rabbit said it all for me so...ditto White Rabbit...Your share would have fit so right in tonight in our Step One meeting using How Al-Anon Works as a kick start. Great growth!! ((((hugs))))
Its funny, I see this a lot too. I know that there is a movement of parents who are trying not to be "helicoptor" parents anymore. We have to learn we are not our kids friends, and let them live their lives too. Great share! And great analogy :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
