The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been what you can call a wallflower to this message board for sometime...when things got really rough, I'd read though and take comfort that I'm not alone. I was a member a few years back, but lost the sign on info...never forgot the site.
Anyway...
Things have just gotten horrendous...He got a DUI, something I saw from a mile a way, and surprised it didn't happen years ago. He's not working in his field, because there are no jobs for him. (He's a carpenter) And it has been just a nightmare.
He has stopped drinking, for now...he has in the past, never more than a month...coming up to a month now.
Yesterday he told me that because of me he lost his friends, his job (??) and has no life. Today he said because he quit drinking, he lost part of his manhood, and that is because of me too.
Which could be in a sense, I put myself and the kids first and said if he wants to drink, he can...but he will have no part in this family. He calls it an ultimatium, and that I'm forcing him to quit. Whatever...I see it as more as putting up a healthy boundry.
I'm to the point now where I am completely fed up. My daughter hates the fact her Dad can go from a great guy to a total drunk on the turn of a dime. She is losing respect for him fast. (Guess who's fault that is???) My son is too young to understand, but doesn't mean he is going to not ever. Neither kids have any idea that Dad is about to lose his license in 13 days. That one I told my husband he can explain.
It just sucks...need I mention his A family is helping him with lawyer costs. I'm not getting involved with that. Do I think it's wrong, yes...but am I going to say anything...no...none of my business.
I believe though it has gotten to the point of no return. And now I have to prepare myself for the huge fallout...Of course I love him, but I'm starting to think my love is almost the equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome.
In the meanwhile, I'm trying to take care of myself. Signed up for Fall semister at school, and trying to find a part time job since I got fired from my job on last week.
And of course when I try to talk positive or vent about my own issues (you know, like getting unfairly fired from your job), the focus finds it's way back to my AH. Like how his life sucks, and how he can't find work. Tonight's quote, "You think you are about to have a nervous breakdown...look at me...I'm 'xxxx' Just had to throw that in because I have a feeling I'm not the only one dealing with that as well...
Thanks for letting me vent one out! It's been a rough ride...
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 1st of June 2011 10:49:21 AM
We are all dealing or have delt with similar, you are not a alone, please share what works for you and what doesn't, even a little thing can help someone. and in turn help us see the error of our own ways. and support us in doing the next best thing.
Hi there! (((((Dealingwithit)))))) The one thing I was told when I first came here that I at first didn't believe was to get myself to real time face to face meetings. By doing this, I learned that I have a thinking problem. I need to get there so I can learn to LISTEN, to think before I speak, to get a spiritual program and find a sponsor. I am still looking for a sponsor, and I have a meeting I am going to on a regular basis now. This board is fantastic, and the real time meetings help tremendously. It may seem weird at first, when I first went I saw a bunch of people just crying and I couldn't figure out why. I was caught up in my own denial then. I have found through going to meetings and posting here, that I CAN actually live peacefully whether he drinks or not. And that when I stay calm...things go better. A few slogans that work for me when he drinks: Remain calm, don't react, let go and let God, let it begin with me...also something that Tom (canadianguy) says: He's either going to drink or not, what are you going to do? Welcome here, and thanks for sharing your world! Keep coming back! It works when you work it!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Welcome to MIP, and I hope you keep coming back and posting more.... Please remember the Three C's - you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you are unable to Cure it....
Your hubby, in his addiction, is trying to throw HIS responsibility back onto you - it is kind of 'classic' manipulative behavior... In a nutshell, it is far easier to blame you for all his woes, than to take personal responsibility for his own recovery.... Now, the tricky thing is what to do about it.... Bringing this up to him doesn't normally do much good, as he will most likely twist it around and come back to blaming you.... The real key here, is to choose recovery - for YOU - and regardless of whether or not he chooses sobriety and a better path for him, YOU will be in a better place.... You choosing recovery will also help you not "bite" when he tries to suck you in to his problem, and keep you sick....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
