The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last day for my son (over 21) to be here was yesterday, he came by after a long weekend w/his girlfriend/buddy, to pick up the tent etc. I told him to leave the keys and that he could keep his belongings in my little cabin, until he found a place. He is not happy because I am "kicking" him out. He doesn't get it I don't think he understands why I am doing it. What I am puzzled about is do I explain it to him in Alanon terms, or what, I am not sure if he will understand, and am I wasting my breath. He just thinks I am being mean, should I leave it at that? Oldergal
-- Edited by oldergal on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 10:56:11 PM
-- Edited by oldergal on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 11:02:21 PM
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Some old adage is "say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it in a mean way"
In my experience, something short and to the point is most effective. If you get into rationalizing why and how, most active A's will twist it around back against you...
"I would LOVE you to commit to a program of recovery, and until you do that, you cannot stay here. I love you, and will always love you - the choice is yours."
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When my 21 year old drinking using son was handed the "line in the sand" it was with a short message of how I wanted to live my life and why I wasn't able to do that with him in it the way he was in it. When he displayed that look of confusing I asked him the same question my sponsor use to ask me; "What's your part in it?"
My son arrived at that answer very quickly and without much stress. We parted in love and still do love each other. He is now 45 years old (Wow!! my watch broke!!) and we still get together from time to time even when he knows I will ask that question over and over again. Now that his wife are practicing "self focus" they can find the "Changes" they need to make.
((((hugs))))
We are thru enabling also other than enabling them to take responsibility for how it is and isn't and where they want to be. Prayer and Practice, Practice, Practice works when I work it.
Monday evening we set a boundary, be home for 10pm on a work night, if not the door will be locked, at just gone 10pm the phone wrang, we knew it, this is when he pleads his case, I didn't want to answer the phone I was mad as it was, even though I knew he would do this, it's what he does, I knew if I answered he would spark me off, so he called half hour later and then again at 11, husband decided to answer, he said what's the matter son?, he said I am on my way home, husband said no son, not tonight the door was locked at 10, see you tomorow!
We both worried ourselves silly yesterday, and he came home later, washed had something to eat and went back out we said nothing, the rule stands 10pm on a week night, he came home last night at 9pm, I won't hold my breath.
I dread Thursdays, there is a bar in our town that does cheap drinks before 10pm, so the kids drink as much as they can before the deadline, I have always tried to make sure my son eats well, never drink on an empty stomach, husband said this morning if he doesn't eat with us don't save him any, that way he won't make such a mess when he is sick!
I am an enabler, I am glad you are here, what I have been doing doesn't work, we must be strong they play on our hearts, keep in touch.
