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Since beginning meetings, I've pondered the definition of the word "selfish." I haven't looked in any dictionary, but I've thought a lot about my understanding of the word through my experiences.
This past weekend, my ex has been going through hell with his delusions once again. It's painful to know what is happening to him, even though I can't control it. I've done what I now know to be the wisest action to take: place the focus on me. I haven't been 100% successful, but I've gained some ground in this area. I still question what being selfish really means.
Often as a child I was told, as many of you probably were, "Don't be selfish!" To me, that meant put others before myself; think of others and do for others. Little wonder I allowed alcoholism to run over me countless times.
So here I am at weekly meetings relearning what selfish means. It's not so easy to reprogram my thinking. But I'm making headway, and all the while, caring a little less about what others around me think (my reputation). And, judging others less and less. In fact, I catch myself making judgments of others and chuckle - as if I know the truth! LOL
I recently came across someone's definition of selfish, which I'll paraphase here:
the wanting of another to do, to say, or to think as I do, and to admonish the person or to think negatively of her/him if they do not.
I wonder if there will ever come a day when we teach young children that their desires are not selfish. That self-care is not a selfish act.
How would you define selfish?
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
hmm.. my definition would be something along the lines of "wanting something for myself, and giving NO regard to what or how it might adversely affect others"
I'm glad you brought up the issue of "self-care" - active A's often accuse us of being "selfish" when we begin to take care of ourselves and our own needs, but nothing could be further from the truth
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Dear GailMitchell, I sooo agree with you about how hard it is to reprogram our inner definition of what is selfish.
My definition---about the same as Canadianguy just said.
I grew up in a time and a place where I was taught that selfish=bad girl. Of, course anything resembling self care could be potentially be labeled selfish. I never heard the word "boundry" or "self care" in ordinary conversation until decades later.
I don't think being a girl helped me any. Where I came from girls were expected to be primary nurturers, And, nurturing usually meant directly caring for others. So, a nurturing, unselfish girl often got the greatest approval---a "good" girl.
Now, I still believe tht we ALL need to nurture each other and that true selfishness (or self-centered narcissism) is not a desirous way to be. But, we do need an expanded and more comprehensive definition of nurturing.
Yes, GailMitchell, I agree that learning a new definition and "reprograming" out selves is a trip thru H***.
Good thread. Keep up the good work!
Love, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 04:02:39 PM
We can be selfish to ourselves just as we can be to others. It's usually easy to see in hindsight when we have been selfish to others, yet when we put others needs, we have no control over infront of our own needs we are not taking care of ourselves. Therefore we are being selfish to ourselves. Taking care of ourselves first is not selfish. I admit I still have a problem with it from time to time. My Mother always told me to never be selfish, she never told me to not take care of me in the process. I'm getting better.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 04:14:40 PM
I tend to look at selfish as a weigh scale. There is myself on one side and the healthy well being of another on the other side. How much am I willing to tip the scale in my favor at the expense of another. It means disregarding another to care supremely for ones own comfort or advantage.
I don't look at recovery as selfish at all, no matter how much energy is put out on it. I strongly dislike hearing that recovery is working a selfish program, especially where A's are concerned in AA. My A used that saying often early in recovery to justify actual selfish behavior that he was using his program to cosign. It took quite a while for him to see the difference between selfishness, and boundaries that foster personal well being.
Being ACoA and formerly only seeing with those eyes in black and white -- I would take things very hard and to the extreme. When I think of living with active addiction- to me the word selfish is a person that has absolutely no consideration for others and possibly even themselves - bc they lose sight of their true and real basic needs and are compulsed and "driven" by their disease and what it wants.
It took me two years practicing focusing on me and setting boundaries before I was able to "really" do it. It felt selfish at first to focus on just me and not them- and to prioritize me and put me first on my own list. I used logic with my brain to reporgam what would make sense to me (with logic) and now as an adult, wanting an adult life with healthier choices. I determined that all healthy people use boundaries and are able to think of themselves, what is healthiest for themselves, what their own needs are, how to discern what is most important for myself -- all of which I never learned while focusing on other people. When I heard that - my disease grows when I focus on others, I lose myself -- that rang out true with loud logic, so I began to shape me towards that.
Yes, it was hard to focus on *just me* and not them. I felt terrible guilt at first too. But I kept plugging away at working to know myself and feel through my emotions and thougts. I finally realized it was selfish of me to focus on them - I was wasting my own life and opportunities and all it was doing was feeding the disease for us all. Having no regard for me, tossing me aside for them - was the epitome of selfishness bc I was doing it "for them"- so I could get a pay off of being needed or the rescuer. It was a sick ego drive on my part, so that I could play that victim role again, sacrifice me to "help them" - all the while- it is just an excuse for me to - not love me first and focus on myself -- the only one I can change and control.
So, when I work on doing me - I am giving others respect by me not rushing in and "fixing" their life. No, today I work to fix my own life and even though I am much more focused on me than ever before - I feel more selfless bc I am changing what I can and not manifesting the disease by worrying about them and sacrificng me simultaneously. Our disease is selfish in action -- to me the "cure" is my program and as long as I am using my resources and not wasting my life on a task that it is impossible for me to change -- then I am doing the best I can, I am truly effective today in my own life and others- by being a good example of doing my best, embodying my own esteem and respect and not using others to get that need met for myself.
I do think we acoas get the "selfishness" worked out of us (thru guilt and manipulation) bc we are told to focus on others and sacrifice ourselves for the good of them. This is pure manipulation and we have to throw these ideas out --- if I sacrifce me for you - it is still selfish of me--- bc it is only: one way or the other and that extreme is unfair/selfish. I did have to trace my thinking way back and I could see that I had learned to be so selfless by sacrificing me entirely - and I realized I was still on that same selfish path just like my A's.
The only thing that helped this get sorted out for me - was in establsihing and using boundaries and consequences for my own behavior. Then I had a "road map" or parameters and it was easier to figure out what I was supposed to be doing. To me, following my program and working on myself is the most selfless thing I can do - bc this is what helps me and it allows me to not enable others, thus I have more respect for them and myself.
Maybe it is our black and white thinking that is the "selfish" culprit. again, now that I am more focused on me than ever - I feel less selfish. It is no longer about what is "happening" to me in my life ~ today it is about what I can do to create the changes I want, this empowers me at every turn and I gain self control each day I work it. Program has taught me how to love, how to be extra compassionate, how to forgive willingly and often, how being kind is more powerful than being "right" and that I am still a considerate person.
If we are in a relationship with someone else - it is imperative that each person can know themselves and be able to articulate that to each other as clearly as we can - we cannot do that for them and when we try, that is selfish insanity lol. Cool topic!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yeah, the first year I attempted to focus on me and work my program, I felt terrible guilt, they called it "false guilt" in the chat room. I learned that guilt comes after you do something you deem as "wrong". If you are merely focusing on you to take the power in your life back - it is healthy and postive for you/one and it is not "wrong". If you havent overtly hurt someone, it is not wrong (no, the A's get mad and scramble when the same old tactics dont work and we change and they see, they are losing the power to (keep the illusion of) control over us. It is all manipulation games!
So, remind yourself - I am working on me, I am my own job and it is not "wrong" of me to tend to my own issues and needs, quite the contrary - that is self responsibility. I told myself that often, I am doiong this for my own health and self resepct and others have to do the same or find easier and more willing codependent enablers. I made this commitment to myself in program- to be my own best friend and treat me the way I wished others did. Eventually, others did treat me better but not until I loved me first, priortized my own needs and stopped comparing and compromising myself. If you are taking care of you - it is self preservation and as we treat us better, we show god/Hp that we do value, honor and cherish the life we were given. Today I honor and love my god/HP by doing that for me first and surrendering everything and every one else.
Acting in healthier ways, has allowed me to be healthier in every way and attract others who are doing the same - able to accept me at face value and change what they can about themselves. If someone begins to criticize me today, I know it is more about them then me and I detach with love from it and change what I can - into the next new moments- its a process, not a destination! WTG, keep up the great work!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
