Dear Crazy Frog, I hear loud and clear how afraid and conflicted you feel.  I can relate to that very much.  Any parent of a teenager ---and especially in a situation like yours would understand.

When mine were teens I did not have the situation of an alcoholic mate, so I hesitate to give you any specific ideas.  There are others on this board who have the experience to share, and I trust they will be along shortly.  Some have worked with children professionally.

But Crazy Frog--did I ever have problems to deal with!  I cried myself to sleep more times than I could count.  I didn't always do the right thing.  At times I reacted all over the place and screamed and yelled.  If I could go back I would do things differently.

Through my own trial and error I can share this much with you:  Your daughter is aware that things are not "right", but she doesn't have the experience and the ability to verbalize it all to you.  She may be feeling as confused, insecure and afraid as you--but she probably will not let you know that.

Regardless of how you proceed through the difficult times that may lay ahead, I believe that the most important factor will be for  her is that you are a strong and confident parent .  Here is where your OWN serenity will come into play---in a big way.  She will feel it---again, won"t say it.

Crazy Frog, please alighn every bit of resources that you can. 

There is a ton of experience on this board to help you.

You are going to find ouot that you are stronger than you think.  We all are when we have to be.

Lovingly, Otie

he9re is what works:

entertainment:

tv

rules (you ask her what rules there should be. write hers down and yours. She picks the rules, but they need to be fair. She lets say picks two of yours and two of hers. Ones you both can live with.0

you guys both have a tablet  to write on. btw

Then consequences if she breaks the rules. Let her pick them. you can make suggestions too. But it works better if she picks the

If she breaks them,all you say is number 4 rule was broken the consequences are...then she will try to argue. you don't, you say again #4 rule was broken the consequences (she can choose which) are or is.

Ya do this with everything. visiting friends after school. boys in the house. what to eat. Its very important she has most the say. I never had kids disappoint me. They always had very fair things to write down.

they KNOW what they should get. they need us to set boundaries. BUT they need to be the bigger part of the decision.

 I can tell you, if she is kicking a chair and it is driving you nuts. you tell her to please stop or.....I would say of course, I will break your legs, take your favorite shoes and stick them in the toilet,do naughty things to your t brush etc. PLaY keep it light. They will kick one more time, ignore it. More than that she gets the real consequense. Like take your shoes off and you keep them for 3 days.

When they make these rules and consequenses it empowers them they know you care,plus they learn. At work,at school, in stores, in the movies, she has to follow the rules no 2nd chances she must learn this.

Your huge part is meeting the parents of every single one of her friends. Perioid. NO arguement. She will hate it. oh well. YOU care, she needs that.

after school at friends/ make rules. she must do her homework. She can do it there, she tells you on the phone what her homework is. She MUST show you when she gets home.or again what are the rules and consequences?

If she says I did not finish, ask her to show you. did you have trouble? can I help you understand something?

She has to finish it. If  she balks again whats the rule what is the consequence.

I apologise I cannot remember if it i s a c or s on consequence.....

This Always works. The key is it was her decision what you guys write down.

Be consistant, never wishy washy, NO deals,no other chances not one. I was too nice and gave chances, always blew up in my face. they learned they could trust me to hold the boundaries. And who did they come to when they were in trouble or needed something? me.

I had kids who carried weapons, cussed horribly,NOT around me. They would not allow anyone to cuss in front of my Mother either. She sent boxes of fruit for them to my classroom,bought them pizzas and stuff. (c:

Also don't forget the inviting kids over, you and daugther go to movies together, shopping, for a drive, ice cream. Just let her talk, listen to anything and everything then she will come to ya about the hard stuff.

Help her find her passion, journalism? biology, playing a guitar, riding a motorcyle, ride horses, a job? encourage it big time. No excuses. It will save her life. she would rather ride her horse than do drugs. Rather ride her motorcycle on week ends not want to be hungover.

Have the sex talk and LISTEN. You can even start with, hey what do you think about the average age kids have sex is 12? Let her talk., no arguing listen.

You can say when I was 12 I was still playing with Barbies!

Keep it light hon. Be her mom, adore your daughter. When she comes in the room notice here, Hey there you are, whatcha doing? did you see that dumb dog rolling in the mud?

do you have pets? If you allow it it is a GREAT way for her to learn responsibilty.

Let her make rules too.

I hope this makes sense. I even do it with my grandsons. they like it. of course they try to manipulate, I just laugh and call my little one a turkey and stick to the rule.

Hugs,kids are sooooo great,enjoy her fire, her passion her insanity. It goes away so fast. I LOVE teens with blue hair, wearing black all of it. They are finding who they are by trying things.

Its ok. Yes people do get good jobs with tatoos, hair all crazy etc. I didn't allow tatoo till age 18 though. tiny one of 3 hearts. That now at age 36, she is sorry she did it! lol

I miss that energy. Have fun, enjoy it,.laugh. If it gets too heavy get out the Farside books and read the cartoons to each other.

go volunteer walking dogs, petting cats whatever. do it. haha

 hugs,debilyn

lol lol you made me giggle! I just love kids. I remember what I felt like, so that is how it all came about.

It as reinforced in my college classes at OSU. Putting it to practice I was amazed how the kids honestly did better than I would have putting the program together. I was continually amazed by how kids really need structure and people who care enough about them to make them mind no matter how old they are.

We had these rowdy,hated by other teachers kids, that would read for hours if we let them. some listened to a tape recorder and read at the same time. I had kids I read Harry Potter to. these huge 17 and 18 year old boys. Was amazing.

Kids expect you to not like them. another thing i learned was when anyone comes into a room, notice them. say hey hey there you are, or whatcha doen? Long time no see, did you bring me a present?

Just anything to make them feel special and you are glad they are there. sheesh I do it with my dogs! lol Just natural, I am always saying excuse me, pardon me,,six dogs.. genius hahahaha that was very nice!

deb

I do think learning about how to define and establish boundaries for an individual living with active addiction- is a lil different than setting boundaries for children- Idk, Im not yet a mother - however I do remember what worked when I was a kid and teenager that my mom did with me.  I do also understand all kids are different and not every tactic will work well for every kiddo. 

So, that being said as you establish boundaries and learn about your own self resepct and esteem -- you begin to see how this worked here and that not so hot over here.  We can re-evaluate often, daily or as needed- to be sure our boundary is working and we can have different ones for many different situations and people involved.

When I was very little, my mother would tell me - 'we are going ___ and I expect you to act like a quiet and contained little girl until the hour is over (or however long).  At the end if you read your book and play quietly, we can go to _____ (get a ice cream, see a tv show together, go to the library or whatver I valued - usually involving quality time with her -but as I got older (tween and up) it was more about what I "wanted."  Maybe a friend to spend to night or go somewhere or whatever it was- my mom was great at finding fun things to do that didnt cost any money). 

So telling me what she expected of me, how I could fulfil that and what I could to - fail the experience and not get what I wanted at the end.  She alwasy gave me at least two choices - do this and you can get that, do (choice B) and you wont get what you wanted. 

I have a parenting book from A-Z(for small kids) and it says you have to be honest but also be vague or age appropriate.  It says dont ever use your kids to unleash your emotions on.  Put on that poker face when it comes to any kind of "discipline" and do not get emotional about it.  If you talk to your teen (say the topic is a serious one or involves some issue) listen and do not react.  When your conversation is over, then go process it or cry or whatever, think on it, let it go, sleep on it (or take some time) then after you have processed it, go back and speak on it after you are calm again. 

This is bc you want your kid to feel free to share with you, without reacting.  My mom was actually good at this and I did feel confident I could tell her anything and usually did tell her everything. 

Maybe the boundary guidlines can be a help to you here:

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

1. HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
2. CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
3. SET THEM CLEARLY.
4. COMMUNICATE THEM THEM  CLEARLY.
5. ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
6. WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you.  Not to control someone else.  No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

The boundaries are for YOU.  In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance.  When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

Looking back (my mom was a single parent) I know she had boundaries around allowing people into my life, she watched me with others tooo, she was a lil over protective of me when I was very young.  She did show me how to be responsible when it came to my "duties."  As a kid I also got an allowance but if I half did anything, I did not get half pay- no I got nothing until it was all done the right way and in total completetion.  That helpd me for working I think and even at school, I got the passion to excel and do my best.

Dr Phil talks about being appropriate with kids, at their level of "work".  Meaning, if they do C work- dont give them A+ rewards.  If they strive for less, they get less and when they strive for more, they get more. 

Dont get your emotional validation thru your child (and dont take what kids do personally), I do know from experience being brought into adult situations and being used as a confidant - that was very harmful to my childhood and well being~ acoas dont really get to have a "childhood" - Im still re-nurturing that aspect of me these days.  I hope some of this is helpful! If not, take what you like and leave the rest!