The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I dont know where to start. My fiance/ partner for the past, over 10 years, died from a Drug Overdose. I didnt know she was using drugs. Unfortunately she was a nurse and this is where her drug use started from. Years ago I sorta had an idea she might be doing something, I asked her but she denied it and turned it around. I didnt know what to do. She never drank or smoke. She never did anything reckless or foolish. She sideswiped her car a couple times and I asked her about it but she wouldnt fess up , only give me some bull crap excuse and get emotional and not want to talk about it. She ended up having a siezure at work, they never drug tested her but she had to go to a Neurologist and get cleared for work. She was off work for 6 months. I thought if she did have a problem that the Doc would catch on and that her being away from drugs for that long would be enough that this phase of her life would be in the past. I didnt think I would have to worry anymore. We got her car fixed. She went back to work. Everything seemed to be going great. I didnt really see any more signs of her drug use. I began to trust her again. I would ask her if she was using and she would tell me no. I wanted to believe her , I didnt want to treat her like a junkie. She lied to me! She died from an overdose. I just cant understand. She knew how deadly these drugs are and saw so many addicts, but it didnt stop her. We had such a good life together. I was trying to make her stronger, I wasnt enabling her, in fact if anything I was sorta giving her a bit of tough love, but it didnt work. Maybe I should have watched better? I just cant believe it went this far after all those years together. You think you know someone, but cant understand the behaviour.
This is not your fault. You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, you couldn't cure it. I am in a similar place in having found out that my son's father attempted suicide last week. It is not my fault. Just like this is not your fault. I am very very sorry for your loss and your pain. I too wonder how it could possibly be that I loved someone so much and didn't see so much that others saw. We want to believe their stories and their lies. This is not your fault.
I know others with much more experience, strength and hope will be by and will be able to offer you more. But, know that you did not do anything to cause this, please, know that.
I am so very sorry for your loss. This is a cunning , insidious disease over which we are powerless. I too lost a loved one to this disease and know the pain you are experiencing.
Please remember that you were there for her and that she was very fortunate to have your love and support. Try to find an al anon meeting in your community and attend. You need support and understanding and a place to grieve. Meetings provide all this
Please know you are not alone and that you and your loved one will be in my prayers
Aloha Michael...That made my heart heavy...maybe not as heavy as yours and it took me back to the feelings I had for my alcoholic addict who was still alive the last time I saw her how ever I also was there at her near death events. You might have and will continue to hear that the disease of addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling. Prescription drugs have now reached the "top three" pier of killer drugs in the US. The US is the greater user of legal and illegal drugs in the world and it will continue as the will and compulsion and obession for them continues.
I'm sad with you and now will tell you that if you have not done so already...look up the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and have them tell you where and when we meet so that you can come and be nurtured by thousands of us who have worn your shoes and told your story and because of the program have lived to tell about it. Addiction doesn't only take the lives of drinkers and users. I'm sure you already feel that.
Welcome to MIP. It is good that you found this family and I hope you stick around and listen, read and to reach out to others also. You are not alone in this. (((((Hugs)))))
I'm deeply sorry for your loss. From what you shared, you did everything within your power to help her stay on a healthy path.
You're going through enormous pain. Attending Al-Anon meetings and reading the literature is one sure way to help you through this painful time. The first few meetings might feel awkward, but continue going, at least take in 6 visits. Then decide if a group is right for you. If not, try a different group. I've found that each group has it's own feel. Some I like better than others. However, I get something from all of them.
I hope if this message board comforts you that you will continue to join us.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 10:15:24 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I am so sorry to hear of your loss... (((HUGS))) Alanon can help, you are in the right place. Now is the time to go through the grieving process and take care of you. This program can help us help ourselves. Welcome here, keep coming back, get to a real time meeting as soon as you can and seek out a sponsor to help you. Take care!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Please continue to share here, stick around. Thank you for the courage to share from your heart what is going on in your life. We are always here for you.
