The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Where to begin...first off I'm new to this website. I am reaching out for support from others. My fiance and I have been together for 4 1/2 years but only lived with one another for a year now. I have two kids in past relationship so I never spent the night at his house when we were dating. I didn't know he drank like he did. He hid it very well. He's in law enforcement and works night shifts. When he comes home from work he drinks. He says it de-stresses him. If something bad happens or someone dies in the family or at work, he drinks. A big bottle of jack is gone within two days. A bottle of vodka gone in one day and he drinks that in the mornings before he goes to bed. I love him and want to help him. I bitch/gripe at him about it and he tells me he won't drink again but two-three days later it starts all over. He has cut back since we moved in together but I think its only because I gripe at him instead of him wanting to. I want to help him but he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I don't drink because it was a problem in my past but its very hard to be around. I just don't know what to do anymore...its emotionally draining. How do I help him?
Welcome To Miracles In Progress. I like to say we all have different stories, yet they are all the same. Al-Anon is a fellowship of members who share their experience, strength, and hope. No one will tell you what you should or should not do. No one will judge you. No one will give you advice. We are not walking in your shoes but we have all walked and many still walking in similar shoes as yours.
When I came to Al-Anon I was no diffferent from you. I wanted to know what I could do to control or stop my alcoholic from drinking. The only reason I came was because everything I had tried failed. Begging, pleading, threats, hiding bottles, pouring out bottles. I tried it all, nothing, absolutely nothing worked. I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. Powerless? Why? Alcohol is best described as a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. The disease is in total control. The effects the disease has on us........We become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in our life.......It makes us say and do things on sane person would say or do.......It did make my life unmanageable.
I finally gave up and gave in realizing I needed help. I found that help in the rooms of Al-Anon where other members gave me the support I needed. They shared their ES&H with me...what had worked for them. Many were still living with active alcoholism in their lives, yet they had serenity and peace of mind. Something I lacked but desperately needed. I knew I was in the right place, and I knew I wanted what they had. When I walked out of my first meeting I knew I was not alone in the disease anymore. A feeling of kindred spirit. Strangers when I walked into the room, and a new caring, loving family who understood what I was going through a perhaps no one else could when I walked out.
That was five years ago. It's the best thing I ever did for myself and the alcoholic in my life. The program taught me how to take care of my self first, keep the focus on myself the only person I have any control over. I was given the steps and tools of the program that made my life better whether the alcoholic in my life was drinking or not. My life got better as your topic is titled "One Day At A Time" as I practiced the program to the best of my ability. The same can happen for you.
Nico find an Al-anon meeting in your area and start on your road to recovery. You deserve it. Read prior post on MIP. Keep coming back and posting. Listen and learn. I'm glad you found us. Nico you are not alone anymore.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 30th of May 2011 01:13:10 PM
We will all support you, but we can't tell you what to do because we don't live in your shoes. That said, we all understand what you are living with because we have our version of your life. I was married to and lived with a man who progressively got worse and worse over 29 years and for the last 11 years has been in AA. We don't tell you to leave him, because, I know in my case, I would have left Al-Anon instead of leaving him. I had 4 kids to raise and I didn't think it was bad enough to throw everyone into poverty if I divorced him. So I had to do what I could with what I had.
I hear a lady at my meetings who says it so well....."I had to learn how not to count (his drinks). I had to learn how to not see (his behavior). I had to learn how to not hear him. I had to learn how to not be bothered by him." And she goes on about all of her senses not doing what they are supposed to do with any other relationship. We do this my concentrating on ourselves and doing the 'next right thing' for ourselves, what ever that next step should be.
We learn to let the alcoholic grow up. Meaning they have to feel the consequences of their behavior. So many of them count on us to shelter them like a child is sheltered. And then we become the mommy that takes care of it all.
We will hold you up until you feel strong enough to hold yourself up. Take care of yourself.
In Al-Anon we have the three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. We have all tried so hard to help them with their compulsive drinking. Sadly, if they are going to get sober, they have to decide to do it by themselves, on their own schedule. No other way works. It shouldn't be that way. But sadly, it is. The experience of thousands, if not millions of partners of compulsive drinkers has proven it. And the sadder fact is that statistically speaking, the majority of compulsive drinkers will never achieve longterm sobriety. The statistics say that only 5%-30% of those who go into a recovery program will attain longterm sobriety. And of course a lot of people never get as far as a program. That's what I wish someone had told me when I first became involved with an alcoholic.
The good news is that we can change our own lives for the better whether or not they keep on drinking. For some, that will mean separating from their alcoholic; for others, that will mean learning to live with "loving detachment" using the tools of Al-Anon. Loving detachment means we don't let their moods or chaotic living destroy our serenity.
If you have had issues with alcohol and are wisely keeping away from it now, it's even more vital to you and your children that you take good care of yourself in the face of this. I hope you can find some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, get a sponsor, and learn more about alcoholism and how we are affected. There are also online meetings here. Your serenity and your kids' safety are so worth it.
Each of your replies have given me hope to reach out and join a face to face Al-Anon meeting. I know we have one in this area. It's very sad and hard to watch the person you love do this to themselves. I know I need support. I know I need to let go of trying to control the drinking or griping at him. I know that its up to me if I let his behaviour affect me. It's so easy to say this and not do it though. I think thats why I've come to this website to begin with. I'm tired and I am done trying to "change him" and make it better. I know its up to him. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and thats the hard part in this. It breaks my heart that he thinks he doesn't want the help. And yet he's great when he isn't drinking. He's different from day and night. He's there for the kids, he does things to help me out. This is what makes it so hard knowing he is a good person/father when he isn't drinking. I don't want it to be like this for the rest of my life though. I have alot of decisions to think about but first I will join a meeting and go from there. I appreciate you're replies.
