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In taking care of myself, and only working on myself and being there for my children, I have been able to completely block out the ExA in my life, he tries everything he can to get my goat and I just ignore it all.....the emails, the texts, and I never let him know how I'm feeling deep inside. He must think I'm pretty strong?
Haven't seen him in months, neither have my children. He has begged his brother, his sister, me, our oldest son for help in fixing his relationship with the kids. They were traumatized by his actions last fall and have not wanted to talk to him. He has made NO attempts to see them (other than texting them to please talk to him) He came to one baseball game, the very first games, back in the first week of April, he brought his lady friend with him and they sat far from everyone. Not one of the kids went up to him, and he never approached any of them.
He never came to another game since.........he showed up at our youngest daughters field day....but did not appraoch her, she of course didn't go up to him. He has made no attempts at phone calls (only texting) nor has tried any other tactic to try to see them face to face. he believe this is because of me (typical addict) and that I'm brainwashing them. He thinks I should help him fix the relationship, I feel I'm done, it's not my job anymore, he needs to step up and be a man.
So....where is the line drawn.....is it really up to me to 'help' him fix his mess with his 20,16,13 year old sons and 9 year old daughter? I'm trying to take care of me....NOT him
sounds like to me yur doing what yur suppose to be doing and myob=minding yur own bus.thats his problems not yurs,yur doing right by staying out of it,,keep up the good work,and keep coming back ......love chin up
I remember this place all too well. My A wanted me to fix a relationship that he wasn't willing to take steps to fix.
My part was all I took care of. That looked like ensuring I worked my program, passinig on my knowledge to my child. I didn't bad mouth dad and made sure to be non judgemental. I allowed our son to see healthy boundaries. When I saw him judging dad, showing little empathy or harboring anger I worked with him on that. It was actually a large priority in my lfe.
When dad did come back sober, our son welcomed him with open arms. He had questions but did educate dad on the fact that alcoholism is a disease and not is fault. He handled it so beautifully. :)
Working with him in that area was my part and all I could do.
This is just my opinion , NO it is not your job to fix what alcoholism destroyed . As long as your not being disrespectful to thier father with the kids your already doing all you can allowing them to make thier own choices to see him or not . I found it difficult to stay out of the way of my sons when dealing with thier dad , my sponsor told me to mind my own business and allow them to work it out them selves tho it was bumpy for awhile they did manage to work it out with out my help . She told me to educate them about the disease my sons were teens at the time so I bought alateen literature and gave them each a daily reader , I passed on what I was learning in Al-Anon -so one more time all I had to do was step aside and mind my own business.
I have a hard time with my own sober hubby who really doesn't like our 29 yr old daughter and picks on her a lot. (He says she reminds him of his sister, who he really disrespects). I had to tell him to back off a few times. She has her own issues, but also having a father who is constantly tearing her down (or totally ignoring her) doesn't help at all. My job has been to help her accept things as they are with letting her know she can't change him. I also had to tell him to not try to get between me and my/our kids (4 of them) because the kids will win. I also worked to keep her in school to learn a trade because our unemployment level is huge.
Your kids are old enough to make their own judgements about their dad. But don't let them feel feelings that will hurt them. Anger is not a good feeling and will hurt them. Resentments will hurt them. Don't let them wallow in it.
Whatever he does it what he does. If he decides to do something you won't be able to stop it anyway. You will have to be ready to pick up the pieces.
You can't fix something you didn't break. Your ExA is not unlike Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall, and all the Kings horses and all the Kings men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. He is not your problem. He knows what he has to do, but is unwilling to do. Your only responsibility is to do what the program tells you to do....Take care of yourself first......Have no second thoughts......Stay strong.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 30th of May 2011 03:54:19 PM
My opinion - but just like I can't stop an A from drinking, I also don't have any control over an A's other behavior. Someone else's relationships are not my business. I can't fix something that is not my business. If I try, I'm helping myself stay in the problem by believing that I can control something I just simply can't control.
Thank you for everyone's reply......he's tried to manipulate me by using the courts version of how you're supposed to help the other parent with their relationship with the kids (fostering of affection I believe is how they word it) etc etc, but I think that is in a normal situation, his alcohol abuse created this last mess with all the kids in which they have a bit of fear and anger towards him and I guess he's so used to the past 20 years where I'd help him get back in with them after a bender....not anymore!! I'm finally holding him accountable to figure it all out by his big self!
Hi--I can relate.....and for what it's worth-?? -Before I knew it I'd end up feeling responsible to try to create or mend the relationship between my son and his alcoholic" Dad........I'd somehow start buying into the Alcoholic's stuff and sometimes his remorse too?...Before I knew it things would suddenly shift too---and somehow the situation would become my doing--or my fault? - His relationship with his son was wayy NOT ok...because of his own actions and temper--when he was in an out of control state...... And yet? the responsibility of it all would end up on my plate....IF I sat down at that dinner.
One day? I finally just clearly--directly stated to him and everyone involved---that I was seriously not going to stick my nose in where it didn't belong. I spoke the truth. And the truth was: ..Whatever relationship that he wanted to develop and/or repair with his son was really totally up to him. I said that all I could really DO in this particular area was remain totally honest and be sure that I was healthy enough that I didn't interfere with him truly working on his relationship with his son---IF that is what he decided he wanted to do." ...
I HAD tried to orchestrate or somehow repair things that were really in HIS area of responsibility so many times before? I had no business taking over (or trying to take over) his own responsibilities......Any form of me doing that---just reinforced the notion in him .that he really didn't have a part in or need to do anything about the consequences of his own actions. Even if you wanted to---it really isn't in your jurisdiction or ability-- TO repair those relationships.....The relationships are between HIM and each one of his children....... Your job is to just make sure you stay honest with your own feelings and to support your children in their being honest about all of their own feelings too............
