The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I met the ex A I had already been in therapy and in some kind of 12 step program for a long time. I really felt like I had a lot of insight and a great deal of recovery. Indeed I had come a long long way in looking at my childhood issues. I was no longer in denial about my childhood was one where I was abused and neglected. However despite many many relationships where I had chosen dysfunctional, even addicted men, I had no idea what was my part in it
I surrounded myself with people who were in a similar place. They could name everything which was wrong with everyone else but felt they actually had a lot of recovery and were always talking about how advanced they were : )
Lo and behold I chose another man who was addicted. Indeed despite all the red flags and bells and whistles I pursued a commitment there.
I think for me it took having to crawl into al anon on my hands and knees to say I was the one with a problem and to be really willing to look at my part in it took having found myself completely without any resources at all. I couldn't surrender till I got there. Up until then it was always something was wrong with them but not so much with me.
Now I think my level of denial about my own issues was as high as the ex A's.
I spent years blaming, yelling, screaming and feeling like a victim.
Right now my life is incredibly difficult. I work 7 days a week, I live around people who are selfish, lazy and feel entitled to everything. I am isolated and really most of the time exhausted.
I can't say I'm in the best shape physically either after two weeks being completely slain by allergies (which naturally I can't afford to treat properly).
At the same time these days I am so aware every single day I get new insights. I'm not plodding down the same path wondering why..I know why.
The issue is crawling out of this hole which was the only way I could get into recovery in al anon in the first place ( I detested al anon meetings when I went in the past) is such a huge task. I leapt out of holes in the past because I ran into a relationship, I ran into denial, I ran into caretaking, people pleasing and giving. All those things, jumping in kept me in the same place but I could believe I was actually making progress. The progress I make now is at a snails pace but its real, tangible and concrete.
Now I'm not in denial but crawling out is such a huge task and so time consuming, exhausting and debilitating. At the same time without the hole without the surrender I would be back on the same merryground I was always on and feeling smug about it to boot. I was a great "Judge". I was always so superior in the moral department and now I don't "judge" but I do have those things called boundaries which eluded me for my lifetime. Paradox is everything in recovery.
Dear maresie, I have just been reading your post and my heart went out to you.
It takes a lot of inner fortitude and tenacity to struggle forward toward a light when you are exhausted and feel stuck with limited resources. Be grateful that you have that "it". You may be weary but you have not broken. In West Virginia, we would say: "That girl is as tough as a hickory stick"
Maresie, there is one thing that I would like to address---since I know from my own experienc how important it has been to me at times in my life. It is this: My ears picked up when you said that you feel isolated and living with people who were lazy, selfish and have a sense of entitlement.
That is the biggest negative force that I can think of for you right now. Is there any way that you can change that. Taking extrodinary and unprecidented action if necessary? To me it is like a fish swimming in dirty water. It is toxic to your spirit and your spiritual side is probably the greatest thing you posess.
Marsie I think you need to be with people who will lift you up---not drag you down. I believe that you would be better off living in a refrigerator box on the edge of the woods. seriously. I'm not kidding.
Please ponder this.
Respectfully, and lovingly, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Monday 30th of May 2011 12:18:19 AM
Thank you for this powerful post. About yourself, about the journey, about Al-Anon and how it has helped you thus far. It is amazing the amount of self-awareness that is necessary for recovery and how much we really don't have until we pay attention to ourselves. And the amount of denial we have about how the other people in our lives affect us. I always had a hard time saying "mental illness" about my AH or myself.... but that comes into the category of 'holy cow, there are so many levels and I can't put it all into one level.' I didn't ever think about that until I HAD to think about it. That he could be a genius on one level and a jack-ass on another.
