Can someone throw a bucket of serenity my way? - Al-Anon Family Group

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Can someone throw a bucket of serenity my way?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi VVT

I am so sorry for your pain. You are not alone and HP is out there. Many years agoe, I prayed a very similar prayer and I was given the courage and wisdom to move thru the pain and live life with joy once again

In my thoughts this evening.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Very Very Tired)))

Your HP is always with you and there for you. Ask for his devine guidance, listen and have faith your answers will come. When I turn my problems over to my HP my answers have always come not always in my time, but his time.

Your in my thoughts.

HUGS,
RLC

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi:

Hang on, ride the waves. Breathe. Your HP is right there with you. These emotions will pass.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Very Very Tired. You are going to be O.K. I know your emotions are overwhelming right now. Very understandably so. You are going to find out that you are stronger than you think you are.

Good that you will be talking to your sponsor soon. Seek and accept the love and support of those who understand. You have the empathy and support of us on this board. Many have been in your same shoes.

You were strong enough, even in your pain, to set a boundry with him and make a plan--to call the sponsor. Good show.

Lovingly, Otie

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((hugs))))))) veryvery tired, I am thinking of you.

love

Katy

x

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

VVT,

I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties. Lean on your HP, ask him to come a little closer, He will help you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

TC

-- Edited by tommyecat on Saturday 28th of May 2011 07:13:49 AM

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi sweetie, notice how Higher power is reaching out to you. The "work" of my recovery is in building that relationship with God, it's what we work so hard to get, to stay in that peace no matter what is happening.

I relate to the break-down of a marriage due to complete lack of trust. I no longer felt safe in my marriage. That is not a good place to be. What did I do when I found my life unmanageable? (the despair and crying are indicative that my life is unmanageable) Answer, I needed to move onto step 2. My sponsor kept telling me to "get quiet. get still." She said it time and time again. So I began to meditate twice a day. Putting that "space" into my life helped me to become clear. Think of a glass of muddy water, it will only become clear when you stop stirring it, it has to sit still. I admit, at first I enjoyed meditation to just detach from this world, I was in so much pain... I just enjoyed the high of not being here for a few moments, connecting with spirit. Over time, I gained the confidence to walk in the direction of less pain.

You can do this.... I know you can because I did it, despite my world crumbling into little pieces. You can close your eyes, you can hear your breath, you can feel the aliveness in your body, you can quiet your mind, and you can notice your Higher power is already present. Let go.

Peace be with you, my (((sisterfriend)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 28th of May 2011 08:45:33 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are at a crossroads. Keep praying. These moments in life seem like the end of the world, but if you hold strong like it sounds you are, you will come out better on the other side. We are here for you and just know that there is healthy support out there for you whether you AH stays with you or not.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((VVT)))))

Sending buckets of prayers for strength, serenity and light your way. Resolution of our painful situations rarely comes easily but each little next best step will get you there.

Jen

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Thank you for the support. I'm tired this morning, eyes puffy and swollen. But somehow my HP is taking care of me. I spent the morning at my favorite coffee place coloring Mandalas with my daughter. I have a pedicure scheduled today (in the twists of the universe, I had to move the appointment from Wed to today: I guess my HP knew I would really need self-care and pampering today). I haven't made contact with my sponsor yet.

I sent an email to my AH last night. It wasn't an impulse move. This was a letter I've been working on for 2 weeks. Somehow my HP always shows me when it is the right time to send it. Essentially, the letter said "I love you. I want you. I want you in my life and in our home. But, I don't need you when you are drinking."

OK, HP. This one is in your hands.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

ick. My first thought was you just got a knife in your gut, you don't have to do anything.In fact it hurts so bad the hospital would be a great place but they don't admit for a broken heart!

I limited my life to needs to get done and that was it. Napped, ug held my gut alll the time,cried in stores, cried in my meetings,cried and cried till my face was a red beet. Just let it come.

Ate very simple whatever I could. Was wierd as I ate the strangest things. Canned enchiladas,spegettios, roasted chicken, gushers...I never ate that stuff. drank water lotsa that, and napped and napped and almost lived in the chat room here.

You are amazing in how you want him to be part of the family. You are a very forgiving person!

Broke my heart for you when he said he was not finished with the other. Been there.

I said,"you are my husband, we are spose to grow old together!" He says," I thought that was what I was doing with J." Man that hurt. adulterous monster....

shaking head. ok oops you need (c: I kept warm, bought myself soft things. got me flowers. read "The Farside" a lot. Watched Uncle Buck a lot!

Just wanted that gut acke to go away. One day I realized it was better, then as time went on it healed. there were times I did not think I would make it. Hp was hanging on tight.

That is what saved me, I would ask him to please hang onto me tight. Chanted the serenity prayer over and over.

When I faced he did not love me anymore, and no husband of mine was going to cheat on me, I let it all go for good.

now I am not sorry I did, am happy, and serene and only see him in my dreams rarely.

Keep coming here, it is such a lifeline. I don't know how the chat room is now, but I found great serenity there. MEETINGs. if you need to,take a pillow to put your head on! I have done that lots. Like I care what anyone thinks.

hugs hugs hon, love ,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry if this is too confrontational but that email sounded wishy washy. Alcohol is not the excuse for his affair and all his poor treatment of you. You have all my support and my heart goes out to you but PLEASE start working on your self esteem. When you set a boundary it doesn't work when it is accompanied by "I love you and want you in my life." It is best to say "this is unacceptable. I won't tolerate it any more. If this continues, I am done (or whatever the consequence is)." It is when you can set boundaries FIRMLY that you teach others how to treat you and reclaim your serenity. Just my take.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha VVT...you're growing and you will reach that place of serenity as you keep coming back and learning and practicing the principles of the program of Al-Anon ...one of them being "To thine own self be true". You cannot change him nor should you stand around and wait for him to change. "What are you going to do?" - CG's question. You can change yourself. You don't have to wait around for anyone for permission to do that. You can end the pain now and find the peace that HP wants you to have...in your spirit, in your mind, in your emotions and in your body. You don't need him to make the change in you and you don't need him to be the reason you need to change. Just because your serenity is gone is more than enough reason to change yourself. It's what worked for me. I stopped looking over my shoulder at what my alcoholic/addict was doing and if she was smiling at me in approval and where she was and started changing me. I found the peace of mind and serenity the program speaks about and have never let it go for very long. Keep coming back (((((Hugs))))) smile

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Again, thank you everyone for the ESH.

A little background that might help explain my situation and answer the question why AH is still in our home:

I did throw AH out: November 2009 I told him to pack his things and leave. I had had enough. I knew he was having an affair, but I couldn't prove it. I had spent the previous year juggling fire trying to prove I was a perfect wife. The drinking and arguments were out of control. My life was unmanageable in extreme ways. Our children were vomiting from stress. I was insane. Life was a nightmare. I was still in denial about the role of alcohol in our lives. I knew my AH was a heavy drinker but I didn't think he was an alcoholic. I had not yet found Al-Anon.

AH left. I had the mistaken belief that telling AH to leave would change him. Surprise: it didn't. Two days after he left, I found out about the first affair. A month later, I found out about another affair. The pain was almost unbearable. I spent three months crying on the bathroom floor. I managed to get up, get showered and get the kids fed and to their activities. That was it. The rest of the time I cried. We were a quasi-family. We did family things together, but AH slept at his apartment every night. I was in no shape to make any coherent decisions about my life or our marriage.

AH drank. Then, drank some more. His health deteriorated to a point where he should have been at the emergency room several times (nope, I didn't offer to take him or tell him to go. He is a big boy. He can figure it out.). I did call his therapist and say I thought he was suicidal. I told her the words he said. She evaluated him and determined he wasn't.

In Feb 2010, I caught AH in affair behavior again. I was done. I was calling a lawyer Monday morning. The next night, AH was at our house, crying so hard I couldn't understand what he was saying. I've never seen my husband sob like this. In between tears, he said "I love you. I've always loved you. I never stopped loving you." Those words saved him. I believed him. Again, I was still in denial about his alcoholism.

We began to make plans for AH to move back home. He promised me he was finished with the affairs. I believed him. On our 18th wedding anniversary, AH moved back home.

Things weren't perfect. But, he was home. The kids were excited. I was thrilled. Happy, happy family time again.

November 2010 I began to find hidden bottles of alcohol. At first, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I had to find 3 bottles before I believed my own eyes. I told my AH he needed help for his alcoholism. I gave him the phone number of an addiction specialist and AA.

I asked for AH's sobriety as my Christmas present--as if it were a gift he could give me. (Go ahead and giggle. I do when I look at my delusion of power over alcohol.). I got an auto-start for my car and a spa day instead.

January 2011 I found more affair evidence.

It was at this point that I finally hit my rock bottom and crawled (almost literally) into an Al-Anon meeting. I was coughing from a cold and sobbing from the discovery. And everyone welcomed me, got me a cup of water, and gave me a chair.

From my experiences, I know throwing AH out does NOTHING TO HELP ME. (ME being the key word here). It made things a lot worse. I have to heal whether he is in our house or not.

I am not passively letting life happen to me. I am actively working my program of recovery including F2F meetings, calls to my sponsor, appointments with an addiction therapist, yoga, reading, writing. That is what I am going to keep doing.

Even with all of this work, I still get punched in the gut (figuratively) sometimes--like last night. I am significantly more detached than I was. I can spot an alcohol induced conversation without a slurred word from AH. I can now say without fear, "You are being an a** to me." Those are big steps from when I was laying on the bathroom floor sobbing.

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Saturday 28th of May 2011 10:28:39 PM

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Saturday 28th of May 2011 10:31:35 PM

Otie · Senior Member

Dear VVT. Boy, you have really been through an emotional meat grinder the last 48hr. haven't you. Your 2nd. post really explains a lot more.

You have gotten a lot of loving and honest feed back already, so I will only add one more thought that I had as I was reading your second post:

If he were beating you what would you do? Emotional abuse can hurt you (and the children) as badly as physical abuse. Answering that question to yourself might make your choices easier to make.

I submit this to you lovingly and respectfully,

Otie.

Rora · Senior Member

Here you go... throwing the proverbial bucket of serenity at you, as it spreads from the top of your head, to the tips of your toes, you are strong, you are loved, you are empowered to do the next right thing for you.

{{{hugs}}}

Rora

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