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I'm trying to let go of resentments today, but am so far highly unsuccessful. My husband is actively drinking, but trying to gain some better coping skills in hopes that he won't have to rely on alcohol as much. He's also getting therapy and we are in marriage counseling which I applaud him for. One positive coping skill he's found is to work out and walk, which again is great. The other thing he's doing to relieve stress is to go out to concerts/music festivals. He's gone to 2 weekend long festivals in the past 6 weeks and was gone 4 days for one and 2 days for the other (he intended to go 3, but got tired). After being gone last weekend he's leaving again this weekend for 4 days to visit a friend for a nascar party.
This causes much resentment in me that I wish I didn't have. Last weekend was my only weekend off for 2 months. I'll probably have to work the next 4 and he knows that but chose the music festival.
All this "trying to get happy"costs a lot of money, $200-200/month in concert tickets, hotel fees, $350-400/month in beer and cigs and $220 a month in therapy bills at the least. We have plenty of money now that I work, but I resent so much going to try to keep him happy when I think deep down inside this isn't the answer, as long as there is addiction there can't be contentment. I think the money would be better spent building up our savings that was spent over the past yrs.
These weekends don't seem to bring on a bout of contentment, just fatigue.
I resent being blamed for his unhappiness and feel like if I complain about these trips it will be that I am once again the happiness blocker.
I know I can use these weekends to have fun with myself, but I want a husband to have fun with. How can I stop these resentments and be at peace with his leaving? I would also like to see what part I'm playing in this conflict, but I truly feel that any wife would resent this (in any kind of marriage) and that my feelings are not abnormal or in need of fixing or stomping out.
Hi Chelle... the resentments you are feeling are really common, as we DO learn the (obvious truth) that an alcoholic cannot cut down, and must find total and true sobriety.... So when you gain this understanding before he does, it is kind of a natural path for resentments to grow....
The answer - like most things - is to change your focus from him, and turn it onto you.... As much as you are able, dive into your program of recovery, and spend all that time and energy on your relationship with Chelle..... That will help some...
Take care
Tom
p.s. I find it interesting that you are finding the counselling sessions helpful.... it was my experience that marriage counselling, when one is still actively drinking - was pretty much an exercise in futility...
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Tom, I'm finding them helpful only in that my husband seems to be improving with them. He tries to connect with us and that is wonderful. Many times he will listen calmly when past hurts upset me (brought up by therapy usually).
In some ways I think it has been harmful to me. The therapist refuses to say he's an alcoholic. I truly think she thinks he is, but is of the school of thought that one shouldn't label an alcoholic until they claim the label. I find this very damaging to me, it's as if someone is telling you you are crazy for your opinion and have no right to it. I also resent the changes I am told to make in order that our house will be a better environment so that he won't feel so compelled to drink. In my mind I do my best, am as nice and as serving a wife as I can be and yet am being told to "just be better, so he can get better." That I think isn't healthy for my self esteem. So for me, no it's not a positive except that it seems to have helped him.
The frustrating part is that I am happy with myself, I'm just not happy with having to keep myself so busy so I can basically avoid my problems.
-- Edited by Chelle3 on Thursday 26th of May 2011 05:46:32 PM
Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head, with those frustrations and dangers of counselling with an active A involved...
I know of counsellors who have advised the (non-drinking) partner to "why not have a drink with him so it is something you can do together", or "you need to meet him half way on these things" or "he needs his man-time too, so it's okay he goes out with his buddies to the bar", etc.....
In my experience, many relationship counsellors have little or no specific addictions-related training - and it is my belief that these ones are ultra dangerous for us, even after our A's have chosen sobriety.... That is one of the first things I look for in choosing a counsellor....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The way I had to look at it when dealing with this type of thing, that the more drinking and partying he does, the closer he will get to his bottom and recovery. I despised all the time my A was away and with whom. That was the only thinking that got me through. I also had to focus on me and be grateful for the time alone to do whatever I wished. Hobbies, friends and a strong relationship with my hp was quite helpful.
I would be inclined to go to an addictions psychologist. We went to one and it was completely different than a counsellor, who told my A that he had no issues at all while he was doing coke daily and drinking a 26 every night.
The warning bells go up for me when I read you stating that the counsellor wants the home environment to change so he doesn't need to drink so much. That shows me the counsellor has as much knowledge of addiction than the addict without recovery does.
Are you going to f2f meetings? That helped me more than any psychologist ever did. :)
I wonder what the counselor would say if you asked her if true intimacy was possible in a relationship when one partner is smashed all the time. I also wonder what she would say if you asked how enabling his alcoholism was good for either of you in the longer run? Some counselors are idiots.
Your husband sounds like my ex...always so "stressed" never happy with where he lived, what he did, the money he made, his lot in life....The answer to all that of course was to spend recklessly, drink and smoke, and run in circles killing himself trying to "get happy" while refusing to grow up and be a real man.
Thanks all, I am going to f2f meetings when I can. I did see my own therapist, but she basically encouraged me to get divorced, which is what I'm trying to avoid at this time (when things were really bad I accepted divorce, but now that things are better in many ways, I'm trying to find serenity while staying married).
Thanks for the sharing and understanding. I was really afraid when I posted that I had no right to feel resentful and that if I could just "fix" myself I wouldn't feel this way. It helps to know that others would have a hard time in this situation and that it's just not me.
Dear Chelle3, I do not consider your feelings abnormal
All feelings are valid because they exist. We cannot assign "right" or "wrong" to feelings----in the sense that it is right or wrong to HAVE them. We feel what we feel.
How we manage or act (or fail to act) on our feelings is is our responsibility.
I feel that it is very important to identify our feelings and find ways to express/cope with them . To deny, bury, or "stomp" on them I feel is unhealthy and acting against oneself.
I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I can identify with being lonely in a committed relationship. Been there and done that, once.
Chelle3, I can't remember if you have attended any alanon meetings?? At least, you can express your feelings freely and without judgment there. Moreover, the focus is primarily on YOUR feelings there.
Hey Chelle, I've been there...done that and felt the exact same way as you. Frustrated, resentful.... I also remember feeling along the lines of "I have to try this, I haven't done that, if only I could do this, if only I could do that less, act more like this, act less like that, lose my temper less, ect....
I would think: if only, maybe that would be the magic solution. Looking back, I think I was just in panic mode, I so badly wanted to fix this marriage, and I always constantly felt guilty because I eventually started to lose my temper often, I was a horrible, awful name caller, I used to emasculate him constantly by saying crap like "can't you be a man and fix the washing machine"... there was always something I was feeling guilty about, and that guilt would often times overshadow everything else. SO - it's like his drunk escapades, him being an ass, breaking stuff, being mean to me, making no sense, ect... almost ceased to matter or I would just blame myself because I yelled/called him a name/was late picking him up 5 years ago! In retrospect, I maybe blamed myself so much cause I did not want to accept that he was an alcoholic, that we were in that boat, that this is the road we would travel down, that I would 'have to' go to alanon, ect...
I wished and wished it could be fixed by ME doing more of X and less of Y. Funny thing...Alanon became the 'X'... which, with time, equaled me doing less of the Y. And that helped me to feel better, but nothing can change him but him, AA, a strong program and sobriety...
Also, in my experience, therapy did nothing, it's useless when they are actively drinking. My husband lied and lied and denied and denied and spoon fed the therapist so much bs and she gobbled it all up. It was hard, oh so hard, for me to watch. One month of free AA and rehab did more wonders for my husband than half a year and thousands of dollars in therapy.
My own private therapy helped some... it eventually led me to alanon and to coming to terms with the fact that I was codependent and why - my therapist recommended Melanie Beattie's books, which I read. That therapy was about me, even though it took me a handful of sessions to actually be able to talk about me and my feelings (as opposed to being able to talk only about my husband at first).
Just to share with you my experiences with counseling. I was married 36 years before getting a divorce a year ago. About 17 years ago, we were having challenges with our eldest son, who was around 16 years old at the time. So ex hubby went for a few sessions until the counselor addressed his drinking. All of a sudden it was "my" problem and he told the counselor he had no need for further counseling.
So I continued counseling up until recently. I took a break here and there. I addressed a lot of issues other than my marriage for the first 12 years. Then the past 5 years, the counselor kept stirring me towards issues with the marriage. I sensed that this counselor thought I should divorce. I fought it for a long while. I don't recall if I mentioned to him anything about Al-Anon - anything negative that is. I was never to keen on the thought of going to meetings. I had a lot of misconceptions about Al-Anon; my take on it was quite negative. I don't know why this counselor never advised me to give meetings a try. Perhaps it was something that I said at one point.
However, about 3 months ago, I felt the load of a lot of emotional baggage that I didn't know what to do with. The counselor just didn't seem to help me with it. So, in desparation (not exaggerating - that is how I felt) I went to a meeting place that I had tried about 6 months before. I've been going ever since and have found that meetings are so helpful. I can't begin to tell you how helpful they are to me.
It did take me about 4 or 5 meetings to get somewhat comfortable with the meeting's format. I felt very, very strange. But I'm hanging in there and feel tons better in just 3 months of attendance.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 26th of May 2011 10:43:04 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thanks all for your ESH, I do go to meetings, but not often since I work most Fridays. There are meetings on other days that I could go to, but have stuck to the same one since I'm comfortable there. Maybe I need to branch out a little.
Chelle, I have resentments. Lots of them. Yesterday, an idea popped into my head to write a list of my resentments. So, I am. When a resentment enters my brain space, I write it down.
This isn't a score card of things my AH has done wrong. Instead, when I write the resentment down, it takes up space on the paper, not in my head. I plan to take the list to my therapist and/or my sponsor to ask for help with getting past them.
Regarding marriage counseling: When I was still in denial about my AH's alcoholism and affairs, we tried marriage counseling. AH was not only actively drinking but was also actively involved in 2 affairs when we went. We made it through 4 sessions before AH decided he hated the marriage counselor.
AH even tried an individual therapist for awhile. But, she does not specialize in addiction. I even asked AH to talk to her about his drinking. Her solution: exercise more and don't drink more than 2 or 3 beers a day. She just handed him her permission to drink on a silver platter. From what my AH said, she basically told him to leave me.
The therapist I have now specializes in treating addicts and their families (my AH isn't in therapy anymore; only me). It is amazing what a difference it makes to talk to someone who knows exactly what I am saying. He has heard it all. He knows addiction from the inside and the outside.
I walked into this addiction therapist's office asking for help to save my AH (back in the days when I still thought I had power over alcohol). The therapist's first assignment to me: Write out my First Step and explain how I got here. He grabbed my outward facing mirror and turned it around. He told me my AH will get worse and that this will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He was right.
Until I switched to an addiction therapist, I thought all therapists were alike. All I can say is WOW, I'm glad I switched. My 2 cents: going to a regular marriage counselor to help with addiction is like going to an eye doctor to treat a broken leg.
When I first found help in alanon and my husband found aa, I thought hooray I will have a real husband now and a NORMAL realationship, what I didn't hear was, it takes time, things did indeed change and it would be gradual, it would take work on both sides, but honestly, you have to focuss on the progress, and keep working hard on yourself, there are days when I get sucked right back in and I think you buggar you got me again, it nearly had me again last night with my son, and even though I know better, it almost did, the anger the frustration the fear, yes I still feel all of that, but right now after all, son is here with me we are happy I love his bones, and he loves mine, I am amazed myself I didn't kickoff and spoil what is going to be a good day, it's my choice, it's yours too, takecare.
Aloha Chelle...Great post and responses and I read over and over and thought about my own journey here and the subject of resentments. One that wasn't mentioned here was "self" resentment the resentment that comes against the "enabler" the "me and what is my part in it?" I played a part and a big part was what I was doing that kept my life in the toilet. I allowed the alcoholic to manipulate me with lies and promises and "ideas and intentions of life for us getting better" however truthfully she didn't have a clue one about what that was for her for me or for us... Her life was about drinking and using and doing whatever was necessary to keep that going. Was she a bad person...no. She was a sick person and I was just as sick or sicker because I contributed to it in many ways.
I needed to reach my bottom that place of being soooo uncomfortable with where I was stuck at and what I was thinking and feeling that the pain of that would drive me into the meeting rooms willing to do what ever was necessary to gain and maintain serenity and balance. I was as addicted to her and she was to her drugs and alcohol and reached the part of overdosing. I allowed her to use me. In so many words I said "it's okay, I can take it" and then came to understand how the partners and relatives and associated of alcoholics get so damned sick.
I related to your post. That was me. It was me blessing everything that she would say and attempt to do to "change" whatever without understanding what needed to be changed; and that was her. She attempted AA for a short while but not drinking wasn't what she wanted. What she wanted was people, places and things that supported "more drinking" the cry of the alcoholic.
Check out where your self resentments are if there honestly are any. Change the things you can and those will start to go away. He will continue to do his alcoholic thing until he can no longer and then all his sobriety plans will have to change or else. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I agree counselors without any addiction experience and knowledge are not useful Which opens another can of worms If psychologists cannot recognize the symptoms of alcoholism it makes it a lot harder for us poor souls who are trying to get better .... It's almost like we become the PBS.... Thank god for al anon
" I am told to make in order that our house will be a better environment so that he won't feel so compelled to drink." chelle
This is catastrophic and a tragedy that counselors actually understand so little about addiction, enabling, codependency and loving emotional detachment. Addicted families are enmeshed emotionally and already take each other personally. The fact that they would actually suggest anything you could do or not do - would "make" his compulsion lesser or greater - is sick, sick, sick. We cannot control another adult - we didnt cause it, we cant control it and we cannot cure it. Yes, we can change and learn to stop enalbing them and learn to focus on us -- but this does not sound like the sort of "changes" you are hearing about in therapy. What we focus on grows, so keep focusing on what he is and is not doing and you will keep feeding both of your diseases.
I think anyone would resent being left behind while he goes out and parties and socializes for rock festivals - it just sounds like a big distraction for him, to me (my opinion thats all) to not focus on his issues and to "play" like everything is okay. He is in denial.
Before I even entered alanon again, when I was with my exAH, I was told countless times by older women who knew - to take care of yourself, squirrel away money in a secret account for your future (if you ever need it) bc I can assure you the A is not thinking about your needs or your well being. They are enslaved and compelled to protect their disease and think about that first and last. Nothing you can do will change his compulsion - that takes his choice and an act of HP/god. Recovery requires a mini miracle in all of our lives, not that we can "make" that happen, but when we work it and apply (our) program to our lives - our lives get better and we learn we can stop enalbing and the world does not end. No, on the contrary we learn how to live and take care of ourselves, so that we are not a victim of what someone else does or does not do.
We can find serentiy, whether the A finds recovery or not - that is in our preamble and its one of our "promises" - it is true. Find serentiy for yourself. If you want to see a therapist, I would suggest calling around and asking questions of these counselors before you even go in- find out if they have awareness about how addiction works. I found a therapist (for myself a few years ago) who was ACoA herself- I was grateful bc I felt she would be able to understand my twisted feelings of guilt and over responsibility. Being told you can sanitize the house - is not helpful. The A does not live in a bubble and we see triggers for alcohol and escapism everywhere in our society.
It has to start and end with him - whether he drinks or not. When we learn to detach with love and compassion and let them be themselves and deal with the consequences of their own actions -- is the day we stop resenting them. Bc you cant change him anyway - and we give them our stellar advice and they dont take it - we resent them for that. So try it, try not being so helpful, allow him the dignity, space and respect to tend to his own issues and crises -- and you take positve actions for youself.
The A's dont resepct us when we jump in to rescue them (even tho they ask us for this), they put is into the position to be needed and they immediatle resent us for that position. Learn how to not take this bait. Learn what you can control and change and what you cannot -- YOU can only change and control YOU. If you stop rescuing, the resentments will begin to fall away. We resent them for not having thier own lives, so back out with resepct and be there loving and supportive. We can support by listening and validating their feelings by saying it back to them, so they can own it and we can not own it -- ' "I'm sorry you feel that way" ' or ' "Im sorry you are having a difficult challenge right now" ' -- whatver you can do to acknowledge what is being said and put it back on him in its rightful place.
I can share so many bad stories about stupid things I have heard therapists say - one told my mom who was on the brink of the edge as her marraige was crumbling and her AH kept creating tragedies in his life bc of his alcholism - she told my poor mother, "beer is just like liquid bread, it's healthy" - If these people only realized the extent of the problem - one drop is too much for them- they have a serious allergy to alcohol and obviously it is no way to cope with life problems. Some people are truly that hapless and unaware. We who live with addiction, like me I grew up with it - after thrity years of trying to help my A step dad and my codie mom -- I can tell you - nothing I did ever helped them -- not until I found my own recovery program and gave them enough space, dignity and respect to stop telling them how to live thier lives. When I finally got resepct (3 years into my program) that is when my changes began to make ripple effect changes into other's lives - but it wasnt before or any other way. It came through boundaries and honoring myself by not rushing to rescue them/others anymore.
Have you seen our literature on how to stop enabling? Do you have any info on how to establish boundaries? Do you have a face to face mtg place and a sponsor? We need these things and that support to allow our programs to really work the best for us. YOU are worth the effort and the loving, so continue to do that for yourself first and the rest will begin to fall into place.
I personally would not go back to an abusive therapist and telling an enabling codependent that changes to the environment would alter his behavior or not - puts it back on you and you cant control another adult. It has to be his choice and his commitment. Nothing makes it easier - surely going to see bands and kids being drunk and stoned is not a "help" to his program but he is in denial about that. I learned that when I begged and scolded, all that did was get me in an arguement with a slippery fish - the disease itself. You cannot argue with the disease - talking to him about your feelings and how his behavior affects you - wont sink in and he wont "get it". We do, so keep on sharing with other alanons.
No, I learned to not talk to them about it, I learn4d to avoid the topic of their behavior altogether - bc when we stop talking to them about it - that is when they actually are dealing with it in their own heads. When we bring it up, that gives them the excuse to not deal with it at all, bc our attention on their lives is all they need to be enabled. Focus on YOU and learn to change and empower yourself. Whne we take positive actions for us and begin to live a life in which we are showing our HP's that we will value, accept and love ourselves first, is the beginning of learning about what boundaries are all about - they are about us and learning to protect us.
Yes it seems a lil selfish for us to "focus on us" but it is about self preservation. Healthy people have boundaries and can think about what is healthiest for them, this is what we must learn to do also -- so that we stop attempting to get our needs met through other people, which is our codependent and enabling way. This is our disease and we can change our lives and learn to alter the coping mechanisms that no longer serve our lives as adults, today.
Nothing you can do will directly change anyone but you. when we make decisions that are healthier for us, this is the way we can make a difference - first it is with us and later it will ripple effect out and maybe they begin to see how much happier and peaceful we are, when we learn to gain our own self control - then they think, maybe recovery is not so bad bc look at how they changed their life. It has to be a personal choice for each individual. If only I had known at 20 yrs old that letting others solve their own problems, teaches them I have resepct and I trust they are smart enough to figure it out - that offers them some faith too, that we have faith in them. I guarantee they dont resepct us when we jump in and say we know how they need to change, when we are miserable and out of control bc we focus on everyone except ourselves.
I promise if you keep applying program and working it, it will continue to improve and better your life. TC & kcb!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
