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Last night I was triggered by something and had to immediately concentrate on recovery and my Al-anon program. I was trying to determine my part in my feelings. When I am practicing this I find myself consumed with my thoughts. I am so consumed that it is hard to concentrate on what my A is saying to me.
He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was working on recovery. That wasn't good enough and he was convinced that it had something to do with him. He badgered me to explain myself and from my perspective to share what he did wrong now.
I told him the same thing a few times and then let him know I was not going to argue with him about it and just ignored him while I read some Al-anon litterature. He kept saying "hello" and trying to force me to answer him. He criticized my program and compared it to his, where things are dealt with promptly. He finally gave up and left.
He is upset that I "seem different" or upset with him when I am mentally working program at times when I recognize I need to. I let him know this morning that I may not act happy when I am concentrating on my program and things that do not come as second nature to me. I let him know AGAIN that my program is my own and I am not required to divulge every thing I am thinking to him. I also let him know AGAIN that he need not take it personally and worry if it has to do with him or not.
Is this really rejection of him when I am concentrating and distant. He is right when he says that I can act distant on the spur of the moment. That happens for me when I am triggered by something and have to mentally work on something asap. I won't ignore him, and will answer him when he talks to me. He is speaking of me not seeming bubbly like I was a minute before. To him this is rejection. He has a different idea of what rejection is than I do I guess. Maybe I am not thinking healthy?
Your fine. He just seems threatened by your program and that you are going to learn stuff that will make you leave him. They don't always "deal with things promptly" in AA either. While the steps say to make prompt amends when we are wrong, literature also emphasizes "restraint of pen and tongue" and to wait for more to be revealed before making problems worse. Hence, don't let him twist what AA says to fit his own selfish desires for reassurance from you.
I am just not sure. I know that my bf reacts the same way when I change moods, and he reads me like a book (excellent body language reader)...I just want you to know, you are not alone :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I'll be watching this thread pretty closely as I face the same issue at times with my ABF. If I'm quiet and pensive, he's convinced (or says he's convinced) that I'm bored or unhappy with him. Usually I apologize and say I'm just tired, but sometimes he doesn't accept that and digs at me with "What's wrong?" "I know something's bothering you, please tell me!" etc.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I'm with Pinkchip - sounds like he is feeling threatened by the changes he is seeing in you, and that is NOT a bad thing..... his "comfort level" is being altered, and he's nervous about that....
In time, if he chooses recovery, he will accept and respect that you have YOUR recovery needs, the same was as he needs his....
All good stuff
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This rings bells for me because I went though the same thing my first year. Before I started the steps I was overly preoccupied with my AH. I was so plugged into him that focusing on me and my program had similar results in my life as you described in your post.
Keep moving forward, things do get better. It takes awhile for a loved one to get used to the fact that we are focusing on our attitudes, actions, and inner being. I must say, my loved one turned up the heat as well. It was uncomfortable at times. But I had tools to use when things were difficult such as the serenity prayer. Even "God Help Me" was quite useful.
As it was mentioned earlier, restraint of pen and tongue pays the greatest dividends. It keeps your side of the street clean so you dont have to make amends later.
Finally, the first thing that popped into my mind after I read the title of your post was "rejection is Gods protection"
This program works if you work it. Keep it up. You are doing great.
I find that my A needs my constant approval for him to feel comfortable. If he thinks he doesn't have it he becomes obsessed with the situation. I feel he is making me responsible for his feelings always being comfortable.
I find as well that he also says that he doesn't want me to keep track of upsets and throw them in his face all at once. There was a time before Al-anon when I used to be like that. I don't behave like he is still the same person he was as an active alcoholic I do not appreciate the same thing either.
The other think I forgot to mention is quite infuriating. He asked me last night when I was thinking about my program "Why are you ignoring me?". I despise those accusations disguised as questions. I have to really work on how to respond to those "questions" in a way where I am not defending myself. I thought about it for about thirty seconds which seems long when someone is waiting for an answer, I know. I had already told him not ten minutes before that I am working on my program.
I did let him know after thinking about it, that I am not going to respond to accusations disguised as questions in the future.
Because of the thirty second lull in my answer he says I am ignoring him and that is rejection.
Anyone dealt with that type of thing and what did you do?
Sounds like he is turning up the G.A.S.... I can so totally relate
Guilt = Ignoring Him
Anger = When he walks away mad
Shame = Rejection
It does get better. It takes time for him to get used to your new way of life. It would be nice if the path of recovery was more linear...one straight line connecting the dots. Sometimes it is two steps forward, two sideways, five backwards then you feel like your upside down.
Keep up the good work. You are really doing a great job holding your own.
I have ~some~ experience with this (understatement) as a man in Sobriety so I will share my experience both with what works with me, and what I say when I am ~triggered~, distant, and need space, and what comforts me when my GF suddenly seems to pull away (which CAN be terrifying and provoke a pretty sizable emotional "response")
I tell the truth in a loving way
"I love you very much but I am triggered or am having an emotion and I need a few minutes to figure this out"
If it doesn't have anything to do with them I make that clear, but I try to always put myself in her shoes and then tell me (her) what I would want to hear if I were in her shoes. It can be pretty frightening when your sig other suddenly goes quiet and withdraws so I try to give her the same reassurance I would like if I were in her shoes, the ~very~ little effort involved to soothe a partner pays huge dividends because nothing is more wasteful then fighting about needing space, it then turns into fighting about fighting then i have 2 things i need to run through my 4~9 grid and 2 amends to make rather then one.
this is where an ounce of prevention is better then a ton of resentment and a pound of cure every time
It sounds as if you are learning not to react but to act and respond. Sometimes that change in behavior is viewed as a drastic change and "rejection:
Technically if we looked at it : We are rejecting participation in the old game We, instead are answering and responding from a different perspective and again "rejecting the old behaviors and responses.
He feels rejected and ignored because of this.
I would keep the focus on myself and suggest to him that you are indeed rejecting old destructive behavior of yours and learning how to process information before answering any question.
It is not a rejection of him but a new way to view the situation and yourself.
Thanks Linbaba. I did try that multiple times. His response was that the emotion I was feeling had to do with him and he had to know what it was. If it didn't have to do with him, he felt I would just be telling him. I have used the word trigger as well and had the same response. He will say things like "Well I guess if I wasn't a loser alcoholic you wouldn't be triggered". Then he goes on a rant about how I will never get over all the things he has done in the past and he doesn't know why he even tries.
This just screams the word victim to me and I tend to actually ignore him at that point.
I am quite saddened to look back at all I have tried in this scenario and all that hasn't worked. Here I am still searching.
Clep, I have heard that line "if I wasn't a loser alcoholic...blah blah blah" oh woe is me...on the pity pot...UGH! Sorry :( HUGS! All I can say is that I heard in the open AA meeting I go to, those guys don't put up with their own being on the pity pot, they help them get off of it and get honest...the guys at the meeting I speak of have 30 years and more of sobriety most of them and have heard IT ALL...I wonder if maybe giving him a hug looking him in the eyes, and saying that "I love you, I just need a few minutes right now" would work? Maybe you already did that too...body language says it all. HUGS to you!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I agree with hotrod. What he is reacting to is the fact that the same old manipulative tactics are suddenly not working the way they used to. The A and us (the codependent enabler) BOTH will use the passive-aggressive blame shifting trick of taking your feelings personally, making it about him (when it isnt), he tried to make it about him - to bait you into taking the blame and responsibility for his feelings, so you would feel guilty again - and feed his disease by focusing on him.
A's are very extremely sensitive to where they suck their energy from and who enalbes them. When you react differently, it takes away his power over being able to manipulate and guilt you easily.
I learned to say as little as possible - for ex, I could honestly say, "I dont want to talk about this right now" bc that was a true statement. Alanon is all about YOU and when we tell them the ugly ins and outs of our feelings as we are processing them (especially in the first few years of early recovery) - it is too much bc they tend to take it personally. I learned not to share my hurtful and deeper feelings (my healing and recovery work) bc they always want to say, I am blaming them and blah blah. If I dont tell them, they cant take blame for it.
I was told never to JADE justify, argue, defend or explain my reasons or feelings. If the person cant merely accept what I am saying (on any topic) I learn to set boundaries for those particular topics and/or those people. It is okay for you to have personal thoughts that you dont share with anyone else. You have choices, more now than you did previously. Healthy people do have and use boundaries. Practice detaching with love from him when he tries to bait you, your issues or your program - detach enough so that you can begin to see - the bait, hook for what it really is. Then seperate him from the disease - u can know this is the disease talking and you dont have to take it personally anymore either.
Share your program work with other alanons. I would tell an A, if they were picking on my program, to mind their own business and work their own program. I would also say, I have boundaries and I am not going to answer questions just bc they are asked or demanded of me. Bear in mind, I did not change with my husband (bc I had long left him), I cut my early program teeth on my parents ~ they were my qualifiers.
My mom would call and say, "come over and do this and that with me... " I learned to say, "ok let me think about this and I will call back" and give her a specific time and then do as I said. That gave me time to look at my own plans for that day, to see if I wanted to change them or not and generally check in with myself to see how I feel/felt about the new idea. Giving myself a few minutes to process things (5 or 10 mins usually is all it takes) to think about my mind, my feelings and breathe through them. Allowing that initial wave of emotional energy to go over me, allowed me to see that I had more choices that I would have never seen/thought of if I had automatically emotionallly reacted - the way I always had done in the past. Some times I called back and said, "yes" and went over and often I usually said "no but thanks for the offer and I hope you have a really great and fun time!"
So you can know that right now he is scrambling bc he doesnt like "losing the illusion of control" and that is all it is ~ an illusion. YOU control YOU and you always have. Taking time to consider yourself, to not take the baits, to feel-breathe-let go of ur feelings, to respond differently, to not be an emotional fruit loop (bc that was how I always felt after I emotionally vented on them- shamed and embarrassed) and to begin to learn about self respect and control.
Early recovery is hard for eveyone and none of us can do it alone - you can certainly share those sorts of program-isms, but I wouldnt open up the vulnerable stuff as that will sabotage your respective programs. Besides, you are in different programs- it is not the same. Learn to protect yourself and keep your focus on YOU and what you can do to feel better and have more peace of mind. You know how you feel about him and setting a boundary is not - you rejecting him, like hot rod said, it is rejecting the old dynamic. You are doing great, keep working it and allow him to be who he is - either way, you cannot change or control him. When we accept how they are and stop fighting, you will find a lot more self esteem and confidence under neath. Take actions that will allow you to feel your own self respect - and you will begin to feel so much better.
A's are always mad anyway right? Let him have his feelings and you can work on feeling yours. Emotional eneshment is a bitch (I grew up that way, Im acoa) and having emotional boundaries was like winning the lottery- the feeling of your own feelings and not being tied to another person's issues, agenda, whims, moods, attitude, percpetion - it feels amazing to get a lil detachment. We can accept and love each other - we are not obligated to share our programs. It looks like you are on your way! kcb, it works when we work it and you are worth it and more! Take extra special care of YOU, whatever that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Clep...this is just a suggestion for when you hear "Why are you ignoring me?"
I never knew that it was an appropriate and positive thing to do to actually ask for attention. Instead of going in the same negative direction answering negatively framed questions you migh try "Honey, it's okay to ask for attention when you want it. I can't say I'll always drop everything, but I will do my best because I love you." Of course you have to improvise to fit the way you communicate but it puts the behavior back on him. He feels ignored. That is his problem and he needs to find a healthy way to ask for attention instead of being passive aggressive and accusatory.
All of this is very timely for me, as just today I got the guilt trip for choosing to walk on my lunch hour instead of visiting the ABF as I usually do: "I'm so lonely" "I have no friends". Walking is a great stress reliever for me and it really clears my head, plus I often walk with a girlfriend from work and we chat and laugh.
But -- for once -- I didn't rise to the bait and feel guilty! It sure helps to frame his reaction as resistance to me changing.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Aloha Clep...this is good practice stuff...growth stuff. Alcoholics have been described as Self Center to the extreem and I know it isn't just the alcoholic. The behaviors, actions and reactions remind me of my relationships in the past where "Everything that wasn't in place and sync somehow or another had to do with me or the alcoholic. "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME" and we we would try to respond that it wasn't we were not believed. What a merry-go-round. It took awhile to allow her to have her thoughts, moods, feelings, and reactions without trying to own any of it and for me to learn it is not all about me. Today I know that my peace of mind and serenity isn't dependent upon my spouses peace of mind and serenity and that she can have her own precious thoughts and feelings without me trying to find out if it had anything to do with me. If I want to know I ask and then it's her choice to either respond or not.
It was humbling coming to the awareness that I wasn't the center of my alcoholics life and that there are much more happy and enjoyable things to do than just hang around someone wanting to know if I'm having an impact in their life other than pissing them off because I'm overbearing. I'm only one grain of sand in a very large beach to my Higher Power. Thinking that someone's world revolves around me is a prelude to a large resentment.
