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Hi everybody. I have a question that I could use some feedback about.
What is the difference about sitting in judgement and having an opinion about some one else---especially a strongly held negative opinion. I have more or less developed my own personal yardstick over the years, but it has a lot of grey area in it, to be honest.
My grandmother did a lot of talking to me about it. If I was ragging on someone as a little girl, she would often say "try not to sit in judgement of others--worry about keeping your own stoop clean" So, I TRY not to judge--but I do have opinions about others. I don't see how a person can avoid it. I even think opinions serve an important purpose. For example if I am around someone who is behaving in a gross, insensitive, ugly or mean way (consistently)---I do judge them to be a jerk.
I would love to hear feedback from others who have grappled with this distinction. I sometimes feel guilty about how I feel about certain other people. I think I must need some work in this area.
I might add that I grew up in an especially strict and judgemental family---especially my primary family (stepfather, mother, 2sisters), but NOT my grandmother and extended family. This has got to factor in somewhere.
In my experience, my work on this topic is ongoing. Before recovery, I often judged others harshly - I was critical, overbearing, and thought I knew best. I talked about other people behind their backs and I wasn't a very good friend. If someone didn't take my advice or do exactly as I would've done, I was judgmental.
Part of my work on this area has been with gossip. I don't talk about other people behind their backs anymore. This has helped a lot with getting the negative junk that was keeping me feeling bad out. If I'm not gossiping, I have time for more uplifting and happy conversation that makes me feel better. I also don't give advice anymore - whereas before recovery, I was absolutely FULL of advice.
That said, the chatter in my head about other people hasn't entirely stopped. Sometimes I still think in my head that someone else is doing the "wrong" thing (wrong = not what I think the person should do), or being silly or stupid even. Most of the time I can keep this chatter confined to my own head - so at least it's not coming out my mouth and negatively impacting other people. These days, I try to remind myself that other people are also sick the way I was before the program, and that their actions are none of my business and I have no right to determine what the "right" choice is for someone else. Just reminding myself of this has gone a long way towards stopping the negativity.
I have also come to terms with the fact that there are people out there that I just do not like. These people do not add anything positive to my life, and therefore I do not have to continue interacting with these people. Rather than be critical and judgmental, I can decide that the person does not need to be an ongoing part of my day to day life - take steps to remove the opportunity to be critical. I don't think there's any need to feel guilty when I don't like someone...although I spent most of my life denying that there was anyone I didn't like and pretending to like everyone.
Thanks for posting this. I have 2 or 3 friends on facebook that have day to day drama. I've found myself these last couple of weeks wanting to send each of them an email telling them how to shape up their situations. I find myself rolling my eyes at their status updates about their relationships. I've managed to keep it confined to my own head. And now I think I'm going to remove the negativity altogether, and at least block their status updates from my news feed. I've been thinking in the back of my mind that the way I felt wasn't really enhancing my life - and now I am certain that I must change instead of waiting for them to change. Thanks again!
Alanon has taught me that judgement of any kind is not mine to indulge in.
If I see behavior that I do not approve of, I can agree within myself that the behavior is unacceptable, and leave the judgement of the person out of it. Unacceptable, unwise, destructive are now the words I use to describe behavior that I see in others that I find not up to my standards.
But speaking of MY Standards Alanon tells me "Who am I to hold others to my standards!!" I can only hold myself to my standards. Oh my, when I looked at me I found that I did not hold myself to my standards . I judged other very harshly for doing things that I justified doing myself I had to turn the fingers around to myself and hold myself to the standards that I felt were right for me.
I also needed to accept others for whom they were and treat them with courtesy and non judge mental respect.
I am so grateful to al anon for giving me these tools and a sane way to live Your Grandmother was a very wise person.
Wow, I was just thinking about something like this, when I woke up this morning and no one wanted to do what I wanted them to do! I thought for sure that my bf should get up. I thought my son should not be so cranky...when I was the one being cranky, and no one was telling me what they thought I should be doing or feeling! For me, I was judging them. I was thinking "so lazy", "so cranky, why doesn't he change his attitude towards his mother?" and on and on ad nauseum...I knew I was being judgemental and cranky and when my bf did get up, I apologized to him saying "I was wrong, I am sorry, I am working really hard at not trying to control everyone, and everything" he accepted :) As for the distinction, I like what Summer said, thats great. I know when I actually get to work the steps and do this stuff here, I will start to not be so co-dependent and on everyone else for what they do.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Yesterday I went to an end of year class party for my seven year old. Quite a few kids know my face from going to school and having lunch with my son. It is interesting how soon judgement begins in the little ones. Quite a few kids walked up to me to tell me essentially what a hot mess my son has been in the classroom. They went through many experiences that if he was standing next to me I am sure they would not have mentioned. I don't care how flat you make a pancake, there is always two sides to every story. I told the kids that gosh that really hurts to hear about that. Another mom jumped in quickly and said to the children, but tell me about the good things he has done this year.
I liked what your grandma said about minding your own stoop, make sure it is clean. It is important to me because it is too easy for me to focus on others stuff and never mind my own. When I look deeper into my own issues, I have a full time job of cleaning up after myself.
I think you're talking about a difference between an "awareness" and an opinion or judgement.... For me, one of my "tests" is if I ever "should" somebody..... My wise old sponsor used to tell me:
"Do not should on anyone, and don't let anyone should on you"....
Yes, we need an awareness about the outside world, so as to determine who or what is good for us, or not.... Hopefully we stop short of telling them (or even spend time thinking about) how they "should" be different, etc...
Tom
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 26th of May 2011 10:48:46 AM
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You've gotten some really good responses already. I'll just add my 2 cents:
I'm discovering that the more I learn about myself, the less I spend time judging others.
I'm learning to separate the person from their actions/behaviors. I might not find a person's actions unacceptable and therefore, choose to limit my contact with them if possible. If limited contact is not possible, I search for something positive about the person and give that attribute a lot of my attention. Usually, the person begins to respond differently around me. It has to do with the vibes we give off (I think).
And too, I remind myself that we can all act like a Bozo at times. We're human.
Good thread! Thanks for bringing it up!
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Thursday 26th of May 2011 11:52:07 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I find that when I am irritated, restless, discontent, I start pointing the finger at everyone else. It is always because something is wrong with me and I don't want to face it. Like another post says here "Live and let live" is an ideal to live by. When I am bound by judging others, I can't enjoy my own freedom.
Again...it all goes back to acceptance is the answer.
Like Hotrod and GailMichelle have mentioned already, for me it is a matter of separating the person and their actions. My basic view of humanity is that people are generally multi-faceted, and they may present one way to me and another way entirely to someone else. For example, a coworker that I find lazy or irritating in the workplace might be a wonderful husband and father at home.
I don't need to label or judge a person as "bad" if some behaviour of theirs is unacceptable to me. I just need to choose whether or not to allow that behaviour to continue around me or not. If there are multiple repeated unacceptable behaviours, I have a choice to continue in a relationship with that individual. Sometimes we can't sever the relationship entirely (coworker or family), but we can limit contact or significanlty alter our interactions.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I'm having a mini-crisis right now over this very issue. My boyfriend and I had a major fight, the worst of our relationship. two weeks ago and he is not behaving the way I would, or the way I think he "should" and it's really been difficult for me. I just cannot relate to or begin to understand his way of approaching things. It's like dealing with an alien! The way he IS behaving is hurting me badly, and he doesn't seem to get it at all. I feel he is lacking in compassion and is treating me in a very cold way. He is so wrapped up in his anger that he can't see how bad I'm hurting. He has apologized but it doesn't seem heartfelt, and he honestly doesn't seem to CARE how badly he hurt me. I am trying to get past this but just can't because this person standing in front of me is not someone I recognize anymore. He is so hung up on being RIGHT and being ANGRY. And I guess I am judging him for that. Meanwhile, I keep thinking about how I would behave towards him if the tables were turned, and I would have been begging his forgiveness within an hour, because I would have known how badly I hurt him. Meanwhile, two weeks have gone by and he is basically just biding his time until things blow over. Well, they aren't going to blow over. Major damage has been done. I know I can't dictate how is "supposed" to act, but the way he is acting has me questioning the very foundation of our relationship. I am not feeling loved. I don' t feel important to him. I think this is my own codependent BS right now but his distance isn't helping.... it's so hard for me to deal with someone who means everything to me when he is acting SO differently than I would in the same situation. I am struggling to understand...thinking maybe his way is "normal" and I'm so far gone that I just can't see that!!!
