Changing tables? - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

Changing tables?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Atheos

Giggling and whispering while someone else is talking reminds me of my dysfunctional family of origin confuse That is one of the reasons I found it difficult to share at meetings I was afraid of this behavior.

Alanon has established the Traditions and group conscience to address behavior in meetings. "Our Common welfare should come first" The behavior is rude and discourteous in any situation.

I would ask for a group conscience to discuss shares and cross talk and talking while others share. My meetings do not even allow eating,r drinking or knitting. The group conscience should address this

If not change tables you are not there to support bad behavior but to learn new behavior . If asked the reason offer the truth. Alanon meetings were the first place I learned to practice alanon tools.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Atheos,

In my home group our group conscious created a group tradition of no cross talk. I will try to recall it from memory as it is not read at every meeting. Cross talk is defined a belittling, slighting, singling out, talking, judging, or criticizing others as they are sharing. Crosstalk is gossiping, inappropriate laughter or lecturing to the group during the meeting.

A friend of mine in my group was singled out during a discussion meeting. Another member pointed out his sexual orientation in her sharing. He stood up and walked out. It happened so fast but the chair of the meeting said nothing but it was pretty obvious how harmful cross talk can be. The next day I chaired the meeting on cross talk and it was like the room was on fire. It is a good topic. If you have been in the rooms awhile you will see it happen. The harm in inappropriate laughter while someone shares is that member may not come back to the meeting or not have the courage to share openly. When I was new there was a member whom I always enjoyed what they shared. After I shared what was going on in my house in the meeting, he said to me why are you still married after the meeting. Technically that was not cross talk because it was after the meeting. His comment was harmful because I did not know why I was married. Thank God I had a sponsor that told me wait six months to one year before making a major decision and that is what I told him. If I did not have her wisdom I possibly would have taken action on his suggestion because I thought he "had" the program.

As for changing tables, I myself sit all over the room. I get to the meeting early and start talking to my friends. Consider getting there early and change tables for a new perspective.

member922 · Senior Member

I think that is terrible.

At my group, we sit in a circle, so there are no tables. They announce at the beginning of every single meeting that there is to be no crosstalk.

I wouldn't know what to do either.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

And remember that they may be talking/giggling about some topic that was started before the meeting in the parking lot. Don't take it personal. It wasn't necessarily about the meeting. It was rude, though.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"I don't want to create tension with my new friends by moving to a different table. ...and I have no idea what I'd say if one of them asked me why I'd started going to a different table.

How can I change tables with a minimum of awkwardness? What should I say if someone from my old table asks me why I've changed tables? (I'm particularly concerned that my friend who was one of the women giggling and whispering might ask me.) That table usually goes out to eat after a meeting -- if I switch tables, should I keep going to lunch with them or not?" -atheos

I had to set and establish boundaries in my own program to allow me to keep my focus on me. If my mind wandered onto others and their "junk" ( issues, feelings, unresolved feelings, moods, whims, attitudes) I had to acknowledge I had "slipped" and I would quickly pray to let them go to their HP. which I am not. I would forgive myself for being "on them" and not on my own side of the fence/program.

I cannot change their minds or feel through their emotional body for them, I can only feel-deal-heal for myself. I realized I had no respect for others bc I was constantly in their business (issues/feelings) and not in my own. I practise owning my emotions by consciously letting them be them and allowing me to be me and offering myself permission to change and control me - not them.

I think we (humans) delude ourselves into thinking we 'know how things are' or we have some 'sort of security' bc we can figure out what to expect from people and situations and we think that expectation will guard us, but when things go differently we totally freak out or feel awkward bc it is not like we anticipated. That is a big problem and a factor to our disease - we anticipate the worst and we let fear run our lives. It stems from our control issues and we always feel out of control, when we focus on others.

I would tackle it on a day to day basis. If one day I feel like sitting over here, in a different spot, I do that. I talk to new people. I talk to old people, I get bored and I like changing the little things in my life bc that makes way for bigger, more drastic changes or even, just to attract new & different opportunities.

I wait for others to tell me if they are upset, I no longer speculate on it or assume that they are mad at me. Plus, when I tried to read their minds, I was never correct about my assumptions/projections. So, I would say, allow them to be adults and share if they have an issue or not. I fired myself from running the universe a long time ago - I can only do me and that is a full time job. I respectfully allow others the dignity and respect to sort out their own issues.

I would sit where ever I was moved to on that particular day. I would work hard to pray about and forgive others for their "faults" or rudeness. I do not meet rudeness with more rudeness - that never works to get my point across. I meet ugly with manners, kindness and compassion and I work consciously to remember that it is a reflection of them, not of me. If someone critizes me - it is they that dont value themslves - I let it roll off of my back like a duck in water. Bc what I attach to, hurts me and takes me down - besides what others think of me, is none of my business to speculate on. If I need to know, they will tell me.

If you want to go to lunch and have a sit down chat after the mtg - I like to decide things in the moment, based on how I am feeling and coping. In the past when I would declare one thing (like I wont ever talk to them again) I would find myself obsessing on that thing I was attempting to avoid. So, I give myself the freedom to change my mind and I dont decide things until I have to bc otherwise I only change my mind a million times - and it is exhausting. If I feel good that day and I am into socializing, I would.

Remember alanon is all about you, there are no hard and fast rules. Practise not taking other's junk personally and let them have their own experience. We are never going to please everyone, so work on pleasing yourself and doing it with honor and self resepct ~ whatever that means or entails.

I also am willing to share what I think about something with others. If I am upset, I will share it. I might share at the after mtg lunch, that it was distracting and a lil rude of people to giggle and disrupt the meeting. I might also share that with the meeting's chair and ask them to speak on it, if they are willing. I have been to some large meetings with a few members speaking briefly but I have never heard giggles and whispering - I think that would bug me enough to say something - again, it is based on what will allow you to feel more respect or not. I do think we lack manners in all aspects of society anymore and I am one of those that tries to use my manners bc that is the treatment what we all want in return. If I am angry however, I need to do the forgiveness and prayer work initially, to process my emotional baggage so I can speak and respond in a calm fashion and not be emotionally raw or reactionary.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What came to my mind was we are not responsible for how they feel, how they take anythigng.

In saying that dear lady,"To Thine Own Self be True!"

We are learning that our feelings are our own,and we have a right to take care of us.

Good for you for not wanting to be part of that horrible rudeness. Shame on them.

debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, I just love the pics of your grandchild I presume. Simply adorable.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Sitting at my table ? I have never heard that before- in our groups we sit where there is an empty seat period , in fact it was suggested to me early on in recovery to always sit in a diff place if possible .. You dont need to explain to anyone why you chose to move from your reg seating place . am sorry you heard your friends joking and snickering durring someone elses share it kinda knocks em down a peg dosent it ??? As has already been suggested you could volunteer to chair a meeting and do it on cross talk there are some great articles on that topic in our forum magazines .. don't let anyone run you out of a meeting if you dont like whats going on stick around and help keep it on track . and continue to go out for lunch with your friends .

-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 25th of May 2011 01:21:20 AM

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