The material presented
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With much gratitude, I report that my alcoholic husband finally came to an emotional surrender - with many apologies and tears, and last week I took him (voluntarily) to an inpatient recovery program.
Recap: I and my one-year-old child have been living with my in-laws for two months now, after not being able to continue in my household with my alcoholic husband.
In the last weeks before this happened, my husband's brother had some seemingly constructive and difficult conversations with him, for which I am so grateful! However, now that my (verbally/emotionally/spiritually abusive) husband has taken this step, he gets everyone's applause, and I haven't heard from anyone.
Though embarrassing, I am angry with members of his family for never stepping up until the very last moment, and now that he is in an inpatient program suddenly they are "so supportive."
Does this make any sense? How is it that I can be feeling this way instead of just being happy?
Thank you for listening. I am feeling very confused and conflicted.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I understand your mixed emotions. For one, it doesn't seem as though anyone is acknowledging the hell you went through that resulted in you moving out.
If you haven't heard from anyone, how do you know they are applauding him and offering him support? Are you getting this info directly from your husband?
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I understand your feelings I know when my husband went to rehab the entire family rejoiced . I felt relieved that he was finally addressing the issue and I also felt furious that he was now being applauded and supported and I, who was exhausted and emotionally wrecked simply expected to "Carry ON"
Please know you are not alone. Alanon meetings will support you and give you the understanding, compassion and support you so richly deserve.
Alanon founder Lois , Bill W's wife, founded alanon after he had stopped drinking. She found that she was so angry one day that she threw a shoe at him . That is how alanon was born!!! You are not alone
I don't think those who have never lived the alcoholic can ever understand what it's like. I know my former mother-in-law would just about croak if she knew the insane behavior we lived with. I don't think she would believe it. Perhaps that is best.
Hot Rod is so right - you will get the support you need at Al-Anon meetings.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Those who haven't lived with alcoholism really have no idea the turmoil, pain and brokeness one experiences. Frankly, in my situation, they didn't want to know either. I felt so alone as I barely coped each day with my 3 kids. I wanted someone to step in and help, I wanted to feel loved, but also was too proud to ask for help or to be honest with what happened and where I was with it. Looking back, the funny thing about that is, that I was really no more alone than I was with my ex. In fact, it was more peaceful because I knew he was safe and I was no longer waiting, I just finally had the opportunity to acknowldege the reality of it all. But, here he was the hero, and the focus of everyone's concern. I was busy cleaning up his messes, keeping our business going, covering the truth, and comforting our children while he was reading, talking, doing yoga and only focusing on himself. I remember visiting my now exAH in rehab on family day and thinking, "when he gets out of here, I am checking in". Looked llke heaven to me!
Thank goodness I found my way to al-anon during that time, for they understood and became my support. I look back and I am amazed and how I persevered and proud of myself. Kinda like running a marathon and finishing without any triaining. You are stronger than you know, and it is okay not to be happy right now. Feel anyway you like, and I encourage you to share it with those who "get it". It is time for you.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
When I got to alanon, I had to face that I was addicted to the manipulation- I was addicted to their approval and I did not have emotional (and other) boundaries. I had to learn to focus on my own issues, feelings and behavior. Do you feel or think you have still been compromising yourself in some way/s? I know that used to allow me to resent them and me for playing along/trusting them. Boundaries allowed me to see their behavior for what it is/was and not fantasize about the promises they told me. I learned to watch their behavior ~ listen with your eyes.
When we are very hurt or vulnerable, or scared- that can trigger an anger response. When I am angry, I can trace it back to some pain or hurt. As I changed what I could and learned to let go and let god- I often found the "pain" hit me in my ego and it was easy to let it go, once I got more brutally honest with myself and deeper.
The truth is the A has to want to find recovery -and- they need their enablers, so when the tough gets going, a lot of family members are not willing to do the hard work it takes to work a solid program. Changing is not easy, this stuff is not for wimps - we are true survivors. When I focus on them/others - I lose me and feed the disease. When I learned that ultimate truth in that simple form-- it was something I could cling to in program- my changes are empowering to me.
After setting some boundaries and practising allowing others the dignity and respect to be who they are - with me not jumping to control or help - anymore. I had to learn to put me first and prioritize me. If I dont focus on me, the disease eats me alive -and- I learned it is a choice - I choose me first. I know as a new mom this may sound "wrong" but it is the oxygen mask in life - if we arent healthy, how can we be healthy for others? No one wants to take advice from someone who is not healthy. Define your needs and set boundaries around them, so that you are getting your needs met the best way you can and not getting others to do things for you that you can do yourself. Learn about enabling and how to stop it in the rooms, in the mtgs is how we learn.
I think you are probably very hurt and frustrated. The first year of recovery for an A is about them learning how to feel and process their emotions again. They have been numb for so long. I know how invisible and hurt you feel in the family -- the only way you will feel less vulnerable and in it, is to go to meetings and share yourself with other alanons. Dont try to get the family to understand or take sides with you - get those emotional needs met in the program. We do understand how it feels. They dont want to face themselves -- awareness is extremely painful.
For everyone to have successful programs, I think it is imperative that you respectfully keep your individual programs seperate. It is hard to heal from this pain - when you try to do it together - it is nearly impossible. We need neutrality and objectivity, not more - 'I got more damaged than you' or 'my pain is greater.' Everyone in the family suffers. I felt powerless over my feelings and I was. I felt hopeless when it came to others and that is bc I cannot be very effective in their lives- trying to live it for them. I can only change and control myself. I got willing to change what I could. I totally felt victimized by my family and this disease and the whole world really. I had to learn to look in other places and with new eyes. I learned to give them the resepct and dignity to solve their own issues and consequences. I got busy with my own life & took positive action for me and developed self respect.
Your feelings are okay and perfectuly natural. What is important is that we deal with them, rectify them and release them in a healthy way. I dont take other's actions personally as often anymore and if I do with some forgiveness work, I can let it go and get back to being effective with me. When I am my best- it does allow others some room too. Today I care much more about peace and happiness then being right- letting that go freed me. keep coming back and keep sharing! Recovery is self discovery!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
. That is how alanon was born!!! You are not alone