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Hello Everyone: I'm attending Alanon meetings and trying very hard to understand things - it's very overwhelming. My father was an alcoholic-he's deceased now 5 years. I'm a non-alcoholic married to a non-alcoholic for 20 years and very happy with with husband. I have a male friend who I do love as a friend but I'm finding it very difficult to maintain a friendship with him since one day he says I'm a great friend, two days later he can't stand the sight of me and now we don't speak or even look at each other - I have no idea why although perhaps I've been too obsessive or we've had too much contact - not sure since we do not speak. It's very upsetting to me since I do value friendships and he has told me in the past that he values friendships but this hurts very much and I'm very emotional.
Can anyone explain to me how to detach with love? I really have no idea and I've been searching on the internet for information and feel very uncomfortable about it. My A friend and I have a mutual friend who has been sober for 20 years. This mutual friend has been my A friend for 20 years - I've only know the mutual friend for about 6 months. They both know I'm going to Alanon - I feel obsessed over this situation and it's making me very ill and consuming my thoughts since it is unresolved and I don't understand how to detach and go on with my life. Any ideas? Thank you.
Thanks for your post. I would say that I learned to detach with love as a byproduct of doing the following things:
Attending Alanon meetings on a regular basis. For me it was five per week when I was new.
Getting a sponsor and calling them at least once a week to check in
Working the steps with my sponsor on an ongoing basis
Doing small actions of service to my group such as get there early, set up chairs, set out books, and clean up after the meeting. Now I hold service positions in my group.
Focus on myself by taking the next right action directly in front of me
It is all those things that allow me to take my hands off others and cease trying to change them. Also, my mind is so filled with healthy solutions and actions for me to take I have no time to sit and rumunate on things I percieve as problems.
I have found that alanon is a program of action; there is no standing still. When I am of service to myself and give back to others what was so freely given to me, the rest of my world falls into place. That is how I was able to Let Go, and Let God and detach with love.
Dear kitty5, What I hear between the lines is that you are feeling extrordinary pain from rejection. Your pain is Very evident!
I don't know your particular dynamics and personal details but I strongly suggest that you deserve to accept help to work your way through this. Don't try to do it alone.
Sincerely and respectfully, , Otie.
-- Edited by Otie on Monday 23rd of May 2011 08:45:16 AM
Thanks for your response. You are very right about rejection. I am now anticipating being rejected by the mutual friend as he is being very cold toward me and I don't quite understand why reject me as I've been very kind and tried to be a good friend to both of these people. Other friends have suggested that these people were not friends from the beginning so I'm at a loss as to how to figure it out. Just feel very rejected, overwhelmed, paniced, and extremely emotional. Not sure what to do
We who grow up with the disease act in cetain patterns. We are not that different from the A (addict/alcoholic) in the way that we think and behave. The A is as codependent as we are, although they have the extra thing - they find they can be emotionally numb when they use certain substances. I never had that happen to me, nothing ever took away my pain or my awareness. However, when we stare and fixate and obsess on their lives and thier life choices - we lose us. The way to get you back from the disease is to focus on YOU, the only one you can control or change.
One of the patterns we do in the disease, is we take on that blame, just like you are with ur friend right now - u are taking it personally and blaming you for an outcome or behavior. Learn to accept that how adults act - is thier choice - it is not personal. A's and codies dont have boundaries, this is why we feel so hurt by their bahvior - u are not boundary-ing your precious self from thier attitude or feelings. It is not your job to fix another person - and you can and if you try - u get resented. Then we resent them for not taking our spectacular suggestions. Step back. Accept that each human being has to think and feel things through for themselves. I tried to help people by forcing my percpetions down their throats - and you know what, the A does not accept it, they do the same thing back. Everyone blame shifts - we blame others for how we feel and the A's do that to us as well.
You are entitled to your own thoughts and feelings. I will tell you a lil secret about how the disease works -- see ur friend/A is now blaming you, saying ur a bad friend and you are believing it. We who have been abused, we bite others back - to see what they will take. I used to keep gooing back for more abuse bc I thought I was special, they would see my great sacrifice and love me all the more for it - that is manipulative. No one resepcts it when others try to manipualte us, the A does it and when they see, we are taking their blame, they get their hooks in deeply. Then we are primed to take the blame for infinite reasons. The truth is, you are worht more then this manipulation. Friends love us for who we are, not for what we can do for them.
When someone is showing you who they are, believe them. My disease kept me going back and taking more pain - you can choose that you are worth more then being used, you can choose to allow others the dignity, respect and space - to be exactly who they are- and you will get your own self resepct and dignity back in that process - by giving it to others. See a line arouond you (the hula hoop) and stay in your own "stuff". It is not our job to mother others and I guarantee you will feel better when you stop jumping in to fix, help, and rescue another. I am PMing you some more info & links. Welcome to alanon!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Dear Kitty5. I am concerned with the fact that you are literally "panicked" over this.
Since you already go to alanon, it would be a safe move to contact someone you know from the group. I assume that you don't have a sponsor since you didn't mention this.
Also, if you have a trusted friend that you can talk to. that might be calming. face-to face with a trusted person is very valuable when a person is vvvery distraught or confused, in my personal experience.
If you truly don"t know what happened, then then it is very probable that the problems has very little, if anything to do with you. It seems like your first assumption is that you did something "wrong".
I don't know if this applies or not, but there have been times in my past when the word friendship was used too liberally. I later discovered that some persons were merely self-absorbed individuals who found my resources and support very very convenient. I was then able to put distance between them and myself.
Hi, When we say detach with love, we also mean love for yourself. I agree with the others who have said that maybe this really was not a friendship as you would want a friendship. He was a friend of your A., not you. Maybe you were trying to force a friendship? Maybe in the back of your mind were some red flags? Anyway, you can now put him on a back burner in your mind. Get busy and don't think about it. He wants distance. Respect that. You are a good person and maybe some day he will know that, but for now it is what it is.
, Otie.