The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A sponsor is just a trusted friend with more time in the program than you that you build a rapport with. It's a person that can listen to the details of your life and tell you neutrally and lovingly when you're getting off the beam. My sponsor gives me little homework assignments (like writing a gratitude list with 3 things I'm grateful for every single night) to help me stay on the beam. It's a person you can stay in touch with - the daily contact with program friends can really help you recover a lot faster than just attending meetings sporadically and not staying in touch. A sponsor is a person that becomes a trusted friend. Your sponsor listens to your 5th step without judgment. She also helps you decide which amends you should make directly and which amends would be better as living amends. She gives you guidance and suggestions for working the steps and living in recovery.
A therapist is great, but may or may not have actually experienced living with the affects of alcoholism. I've gone to therapists at particular times in my life and they've been helpful. One in particular was a recovering addict, and was an adult child. He was very knowledgeable about addiction and alcoholism. That was awesome. However, I couldn't afford to see him more than once a week. A sponsor is someone I can see at meetings a couple times a week, meet for coffee to talk, call on the phone daily if I want, etc. She is more accessible and more like a friend. She may give you suggestions, but her suggestions are based upon her own experiences, not based on something she was taught from a textbook.
A sponsor is ideally someone who has what you want. If there is someone in meetings who you like and respect that appears to have something you find appealing, that might be a good person to ask. Many people say that a sponsor need only be one step ahead of you. My sponsor believes a better sponsor is someone who has already worked all of the steps. It's up to you to decide - but I would certainly choose a sponsor that HAS a sponsor.
All you need to do to qualify for a sponsor be affected by someone else's drinking and then ask a person to sponsor you. You need just ask them if they woulld be willing to sponsor you. If the person says no, it is because they are either already sponsoring several people and don't feel they can devote the time, or some other personal reason. It is not personal.
Recovery is at your own pace. I had a sponsor for a full year before I was ready to tackle the steps. I was stuck on Steps 1 and 2 forever, and that was okay. Just being exposed to a healthy person that wasn't toxic the way the most of the other people in my life were was a benefit.
Thanks for the information. I feel weird about it because who else wants to hear my crap? I feel like I am a pathetic broken record and why would one more person want to hear it? But I guess that's the point right? So they can help me figure out how to work through things so I don't have to do that anymore?
I just feel like some of my issues are so buried. I just, oh I don't know.
Thank you for the information. I just don't know. Sometimes I just think I have a personality disorder and the addicts have nothing to do with it.
I have a meeting on Monday. I don't think I can ask anyone anything without crying. At least online no one can see me lol.
"Sometimes I just think I have a personality disorder and the addicts have nothing to do with it." OHMYGOSH I relate to that! I thought I was the one that was bat s*** crazy when I got here. My behavior was so far outside of my control it wasn't funny. A lot of times, I felt like I was watching myself do stuff (like throw tantrums and just lose control when the stress got so bad) and I was powerless to stop it. It eventually occurred to me that "powerless to stop it" was exactly right. I WAS.
The beauty of it is that we've pretty much all been in a similar place to where you are at one time or another. Sure, the details of it are different. But the feelings and the behavior are so similar. Who wants to hear your "crap" as you call it? Probably just about everyone, because someone along the way was willing to listen to all of our "crap." Listening to the newcomer and the person that is struggling, and just being there is the way you pay it forward.
Cry all you wish - it's healing. Nobody will bat an eyelash - we all did it too. :)
Hi there, A sponsor can't make you do anything you don't wish to do. They are a confidant and a friend. They are your cheerleading squad and someone who promotes your growth at your speed. I walk around feeling messed up in the head often, but the more I work my program the better I feel about myself. I have cried in meetings and it seems to happen to people from time to time, no one is there to judge anyone, just to love and support each other. Finding my sponsor has been great for me.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I just wanted to let you know there is a Alanon pamplet on Sponsorship numbered P-31. You should be able to find it in your homegroup. It explains what a sponsor is and is not. Also, what you can expect from a sponsor.
I found the following regarding Alanon Sponsorship. I hope this helps.
What is Sponsorship?
"A Sponsor is someone with whom a member can discuss personal problems or questions; someone who willingly shares the experience, strength, and hope of the Al-Anon program." Sponsorship, What Its All About (Al-Anon Pamphlet #p-31)
In short, a sponsor is the way that the Al-Anon program becomes personalized. If the newcomer goes to meetings, reads the literature, uses the fellowship, there is a certain limitation that is inherent. When a person takes the step of becoming vulnerable with another person in the program, there is a depth that evolves that is virtually indescribable. The program comes to life in a way that it simply couldn't without that intimate, personal, human connection.
What is a Sponsor for?
A sponsor is a fellow member who practices the program in such a way as to attract others to themselves. Typically, the sponsor guides the newcomer through the steps and other nuances of the program. Getting a sponsor may seem like a monumental task; but there is no way around the simplicity: just ask someone. Using a sponsor can seem odd for some of us at first, since it involves reaching out and opening up to someone. Most of us have become accustomed to "going it alone", and we all have deep trust issues. Here are a few guidelines about getting and working with a sponsor:
Call your sponsor - regularly. Try to work out a time that is convenient for you both.
Try to go to the same meetings as your sponsor. This will put you in contact with your sponsor and the program fellowship at the same time.
Read what the Al-Anon literature has to say about sponsorship.
Be honest, direct, and compassionate with your sponsor. Remember that your sponsor is only a human being, and is prone to mistakes. If you can communicate your feelings, what is working and what's not, etc. it will help both of you.
Try to work on tasks or objective assignments. Open-ended discussions and talking are essential, but a pre-defined program of working the steps will take you on a journey that is very likely to produce that which we all desire: Serenity and Spiritual Connection.
Develop regular meetings with your sponsor in person - once per week is great; once a month when things are stable is good, too. Make these informal gatherings part of your regular schedule.
Am I Ready to be a Sponsor?
Typically, a sponsor has been around the program for a while, and has worked trough the steps with someone. A good length of time is about a year. This gives the program time to sink in. There's something magical about having worked the program through all four seasons. If you're on the verge of becoming a sponsor, consider the rewards: there's no sense of accomplishment like seeing the lights come on in someone who has never before known personal connection, fellowship, or direction. By all accounts, sponsorship helps the sponsor as much as, or more than, the person who is being sponsored.
My next question is this. I am discovering that my problems stem from my adad as a kid. This is what causes me to choose these people with problems. It is not even about my abf anymore. At least I know that.
Could a sponsor help me get through that? I am just afraid that I will try to get one and they will tell me that it isn't something they can help me with. I would be so embarrassed. Is this a better topic for therapy? We did touch on that in there.
Thanks. I am just so crying thinking about this stuff and I want it all to go away.
I hear you conceerns and would like to reassure you that with the help of a sponsor, you will get to know yourself.
You will discover your motives and see your behavior in a new light. You will throw away many preconceived ideas and beliefs that you hold about yourself and uncover who you truly are.
You will also uncover new constructive tools to live by and practice using them together.
I love the reading in the Courage to Change that states: Please note that nowhere in the 12 Steps do we ask HP to give us anything. We just ask that our negative ideas and destructive actions be lifted. That is because all we need is already there We just have to uncover it.
A sponsor will help you uncover your wise , courageous serene self Good Luck in finding her.
I am listening for a sponsor now, when I get to a meeting. When I listen I can hear the person I might be looking for, someone who has experience and has time in program, who worked the steps etc. I am praying to my HP to help me through in the mean time and to help me know who I am looking for... :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am also an adult child of an alcoholic - my mom is still an active alcoholic. I learned all kinds of maladaptive coping mechanisms, and sick ways of relating to other people because of the environment in which I grew up. Nobody was open, everything was a big secret, nobody talked about anything that wasn't just light and happy chit chat, while under the surface, there was a huge big undertow that everyone could feel but either denied or just didn't talk about. I picked sick people as friends and partners because it was familiar, I guess - could continue on with the same ole same ole.
When I got tired of it and got in recovery seeking to change me, Alanon was the biggest factor in changing the way I relate to others. It's been the biggest factor in changing how I set boundaries, whether I accept particular behavior, and changing the fact that I lived or died by other people's actions and approval my whole life.
I've gone to therapy for as much as a year on 3 different occasions. The therapy was great, and I'm glad I went. Two of the times I was almost suicidal because I was so depressed. I chose to visit a psychiatrist on those occasions and get some anti-depressants for short-term use. They helped a lot. Sometimes a therapist can help you get back on the right track. I went to my first Alanon meeting because a therapist suggested that I go. I did NOT want to go - I only went because I couldn't tell her no. I went to one meeting, left thinking that they were all nuts and I was NOT going back, and then didn't go back for 2 years. During that 2 years, I was fairly miserable. In hindsight, I wish I'd kept going. It took me almost a year to get a sponsor, and that was okay. Now, my sponsor and recovery friends tell me when what I am perceiving in my head isn't real. They have offered me encouragement to change the things I can, in order to break the cycle. There are many adult children in my meetings, and many who grew up to marry A's, the way I did. When I worked the 4th and 5th steps, I got rid of a ton of anger I'd been carrying around at both my parents because of the way I grew up.
I can't answer the "is this better addressed in therapy" question, but I do know that sponsors hear all kinds of stuff. Your situation may not be as unique as you perceive.
Often times when I read the re-sponses to threads and request for help and feedback here at MIP I get the picture of sponsers coming to the aid of a sponsee. I like the personal touch of a knowledgeable and experienced "walker" who I can get mentorship from...it is what has saved my life. Great post!! ((((hugs))))
Thanks guys. I just wasn't sure what would constitute the whole thing. I have some new insight. There is a lady who I would lean toward choosing. My friend is attending the meeting with me tonight, so I am not sure how much I want to get into that at this point.
Is this somebody that I could call and ask? Her name is on the phone list.
I just think that it really takes a special person to take the time to help out people like me who need help. It's just hard for me to fathom.
Yes, if the lady has her name on the phone listing then it is perfectly acceptable to call her and talk and then ask.
The program is a wonderful gift to each member The lady taking the call is enriched by taking the call as you will be by making the call. This is a fellowship of equals and although she has been in program longer and can guide you thru the tools she can be enriched by knowing you as well . The program is a two way street.
Thanks hotrod. I made sure to ask her tonight if she was the one on the list and she said yes. I went with my gf to the meeting tonight and it was her first time there, so I didn't want to ask in front of her for some dumb reason. I may just call her sometime.
And I was talking to a friend tonight and he made me realize that they do want to help. It made me think that if I stay in the program that I would be honored if somebody asked me. I see things in a different kind of light now.
I know this thread is nearly a year old, but it has been helping me to get some things clear. I have just read what white rabbit said about a sponsor:
"Recovery is at your own pace. I had a sponsor for a full year before I was ready to tackle the steps. I was stuck on Steps 1 and 2 forever, and that was okay."
I am still very angry that I was dumped unceremoniously by my sponsor last week. I have only been in the program for just over a year and started on the steps with this sponsor in November. One of the reasons she gave was that she had "lost patience" over the last few weeks with the way I had been goldbricking over the step questions." I was so upset because previously she had said it was fine to go at my own pace...and each question I had made sure I was living and experiencing the answers not just writing them down. It is for me an organic process which has its own momentum and was really sinking in properly. Reading white rabbit's experience has made me realise how it should be with a good sponsor and validates my instinct that she was inappropriate...at least by my value system. Being relatively new I wasn't sure, but now I know.
Thank you so much for sharing that.
Tigger x
-- Edited by Tigger on Wednesday 18th of April 2012 05:14:59 PM
-- Edited by Tigger on Wednesday 18th of April 2012 05:19:04 PM
