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Hi again, so my daughter and I had a great evening last night...and this morning. I had to take her back to her dads today and all I could think about is my mom saying:
"Danielle, your daughter is sad, she asked me about depression and bi-polar disorder!" "How does she even know what bi-polar is! I'm so worried about her, she seems sad, she is scared to ask questions, she doesn't understand, do you tell her this and that ect....." (she knows what bi-polar is because her friends' grandma is bi-polar and I educated her about mental health when AH was diagnosed with depression and anxiety).
My daughter seems like a happy girl to me. She is always smiling, laughing, telling stories about her day.....we always laugh and have fun together.... I've explained to her what's going on with my husband (her step dad) and although she doesn't ask questions just randomly on her own, if I'm telling her what's going on, then she has sometimes asked a couple things.
I remember being her age and worrying sometimes about stuff going on with my parents, like if I heard them fighting or talking about a doctors appt....I would worry that they would break up or that someone had a bad disease....and I remember never asking cause I was scared of what the answer may be, or I felt stupid, or whatever, I dunno I just know I never asked.
So... I do try to make it a habit of telling my daugher what's going on incase she is curious or wondering or worrying about it but not asking.
I know my mom exagerates, ALOT, and is dramatic and has this overwhelming urge to help and fix so she get's all muddled in the affairs of others....
But I can't stop thinking about:... what if my mom is right, what if my daughter is so sad and I'm just too blind to see it!! I don't think that's the case, but it's my daughter, who I love more than anything in the world, so I do think about her all the time.
So maybe I made a mistake...or my approach was all wrong, I dunno... I just felt this rising panic and I had to say something.
I asked me daugher if there was anything she wanted to know or talk about. She looked up from the game she was playing and said... "uh, no mommmy".
I told her that I want her to know that I love her more than anything and that she can always come to me with anything, any questions or concerns or talk about anything and I'll never get upset, I'll help her to understand, and that I don't want her to worry about me or my feelings but feel she can come to me with anything.
She replied: "I know that mom!"
then I could see her little brain working and she continued to say: "what did grandma say to you?"
I told her than grandma was concerned she was sad and worried because she mentioned bi-polar. (maybe I should not have brought grandma into this and tattle taled on what grandma said...I didn't think it through)
My daughter sighed and grunted in frustration and said:
"mom, I was over there and I can't remember what I was doing or what was going on but grandma told me that I seemed sad. I told her I was not sad. Then grandma said it again and I got upset and asked her if she thought I was like depressed or had bi-polar or something just because I was being quite!"
Then she looked at me and started crying (this is the first time she has cried to me about this stuff) and she crawled up and hugged me... through her tears she continued to say:
"Mom, I'm not sad. I know what's going on, if I have any questions I will ask you. It hurts my feelings and I feel upset because grandma like doesn't trust me or something, or you, and she says stuff that is not true".
I told her Grandma loves her and that I love her and wanted to make sure she was ok and that I was sorry she is upset.
She stopped crying and said it was ok. Then the phone rang and the conversation got cut off. My daughter chatted on the phone for a few minutes with her aunt, then hung up....then she started talking about a movie she wanted to see and she seemed back to her happy self.
It was hard for me as the conversation was abruptly interuppted, but I let it go and didn't bring it up again.
Now I can't stop analyzing how that conversation played out... I regret brining grandma into it. I'm worried that now my daughter is angry with grandma and doesn't trust grandma because I told her what grandma said.
I'm worried because my mom tells me that my daughter is different around her when I'm there. Apparently when I'm also there my daugher is more rude to my mom. If so, maybe this is because my daughter thinks I'm upset with my mom so she is harsher with my mom to prove to me her loyalty or something?
ugh... I'm thinking I want to get my daughter a therapist... am I overeacting?
Please share your thoughts?
Thanks,
Danielle
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 22nd of May 2011 02:40:10 PM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 22nd of May 2011 02:42:03 PM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 22nd of May 2011 02:43:13 PM
-- Edited by danielle0516 on Sunday 22nd of May 2011 02:44:14 PM
You said your Mom kind of exaggerates. To me, it sounds like that is what has happened. Your daughter seemed to have a honest reaction. Some people don't know how to live w/o drama so they tend to see it where it doesn't exist.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
One of the biggest mistakes my mom made with me- was she brought me into adult sitations prematurely. What that does, is it take away your childhood and brings you into adult issues, behavior and unresolved feelings.
I would say - ask your child how she is feeling, great. Tell her how you handled that feeling in an age appropriate way after she has said all she has. Oour emotions are normal and they are difficult to navigate. Let her feel human and healthy about her feelings. Our feeelings are never "wrong" - they are natural. It is what we do with that feeling, that can get us into troubles.
I would not tell her about the grandma's feelings, issues or thoughts - what other people think of us, is none of our business. Let her be a kid and play. You can ask her things and she knows she can trust you.
I promise if you keep telling her "secrets" about your personal conversations with your mom, you mom and your kiddo will learn eventually that you dont keep what you hear to yourself. Boundary your relationship with your daughter and keep it boundaried from your relationships with others and esp your mom. If you want her out of meddling in your life, then let go of what she says, does and thinks - focus on what you want and what you think is healthy for you. What can you change and control? It certainly is not your mother.
I see you telling ur kid about "worry" and "concern". Listen, kids want to be just like their same sex parent, you are the most influencial person in her life. Tell her what you want her to know and focus on, not what you dont. Keep it simple for her so she can have a healthy life, one in which she knows she is protected in. Going between your mom and you kid will only create gigantic problems in the future. Dont teach her how to worry and blame herself. Teach her she has ultimate control over herself, by you gaining that in program for yourself. If you work a solid program and stop being the messenger - live YOUr own best life and role model how to be healthier for your daughter's future life.
It sounds like your mom is manipulative and she wants you to take on her feelings. Forgive your mom for trying to get you to take responsibility for her messes.
I would try hard to distract your child from the drama and how to calm and emotionally take care of herself. Telling her about adult's junk - only robs her of her natural serenity. Find your own peace of mind and deal with your mom in an adult fashion. Kids want their mom/parents to be happy and at peace. That was all I ever wanted for my mom and I wished she would change for 25 years - that wasted a huge part of my life, for her and me. Wishing does not change anything. We have to get our own peace and happiness - on the inside - it is not in the world or in other people. It is a spiritual condition and it is a personal walk full of every single choice we make.
YOUr life is about YOU, not what your mom thinks/says. Identify if someone is attacking or criticizing us - it is more of a reflection about how they think about themselves - detach from that. Let her have her thoughts. If you dont like your mom's behavior with your gd, make a lil space. They dont have to be together as often as they are right now - I know you want to keep ur relationship for them - but if you have expectations about specific outcomes, that is still just manipulation and you cannot control other people.
If you need to go see a doctor about your child, that is up to you - I certainly would not accept a "diagnosis" from someone who is not fully licenced to practise medicine. I would be hurt and offended if my mom did that to me and I would cetainly think twice about letting her play there. She does not need a complex about how her grandma cant trust her - she is already taking the disease on/personally bc she is thiking it is her fault her gma doesnt trust her. That is the grandma's problem/issue - it is not the responsibility of a child.
If I dont like how I feel - that is for me to work out.
The "what ifs" are coming straight from fear and it fuels our disease. Release the fear ful thoughts and when you cannot - push them out and give them directly to your HP. My HP will take what ever it is, that I willingly surrender. I choose to not react by my fear but to release it and make healthier choices that support me and my new way of life in an encouraging, nurturing, compassionate and loving way. Take extra special care of YOU, whatever that looks like!
-- Edited by kitty on Monday 23rd of May 2011 11:44:40 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Sounds like you are doing the best job you can as a parent. You are being loving, honest, straight-forward. Don't second guess yourself Danielle. You are doing a great job of taking care of your daughter and keeping the family together. Kids don't come with a manual and life isn't scripted. You are doing great just dealing with what is in front of you day to day. What more could you expect of yourself?
Tks everyone for your replies and taking the time to read my long rants:)
Kitty, I re-read what you wrote a couple of times. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I am aware of, often instantly aware as soon as the words escape my mouth, when I'm taking on other people's crap or, in this case, worrying and letting fear control me, but not MY fear, fear that I allowed to be implanted in me based on what others (my mom) said, or, in this case, repeated 20 times;)
There are plenty of times when I do not engage and just let the words go..move on and forget about it. I guess I don't post about the positives, or progress, as much as I do the negatives, or rather, when I'm feeling like I just want some extra insight, which often goes hand in hand with what I see as the more difficult times.
My mom definitely knows how to push my buttons. My mothering and my daughter is my button. I can most often, progressively more and more now, let everything else go.
I recognize, in this case, I'm letting fear control me - that fear turned into panic which made me incapable of thinking straight and so I brought grandma (my mom) into it. I know I should not have done this and I knew that as soon as the words came out of my mouth.
I think back to the early stages of dealing with my AH... and there were plenty of times when he was drunk but I was too in denial or blind or living in la la land whatever to see it. I justified everything, I guess as a defense mechanism, I dunno, but I just did not pick up on all the red flags. Flags that, in retrospect, are so clear to me now.
I'm hoping that is not the case with my daughter. I don't see her as depressed, unhappy, or anything else negative. But, I also did not see my husband as being drunk or the word alcoholic never crossed my mind... I quickly dismissed all the signs. I'm hoping I'm not quickly dismissing all the possible signs (according to my mom) with my daughter now.
I hope that made sense.
oh.. and the thing is...there really is no drama now. Sure, we're renovating and will be selling our home, so there's a transition period, but it's drama free. My mom creates the drama, as Christy stated above.
I do need to work on not allowing my mom to push my buttons... especially THE button, being my daughter, I'm still really struggling with that one. Even when it's happening, before I say anything, I'm repeating slogans and stuff in my head, holding back, breathing deep, repeating repeating the serenity prayer, but then there is often still that turning point where, my bad, I let loose! I've pushed that 'turning point' back, I've made progress...I used to explode and scream my head off like a crazy person after the first couple sentences that escaped her mouth, now, I no longer raise my voice and it takes about 15 minutes before I react, but that's just it, I need to not react and not engage. I'll get there:)
