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My husband is a recovering alcoholic for 7 years. I am an al-anon for almost 3 years. One of our female friends, Sarah, recently discovered she is an alcoholic. She called my husband who took her to her first meeting. She is now about 6 weeks sober. Fairly quickly, he became her sponsor. I have a problem with this for two reasons- 1. opposite sex sponsor is not a good idea, and 2. it feels weird to have him sponsor a mutual friend. When the three of us have hung out since, I felt very uncomfortable. At this point in time, I do not feel comfortable around Sarah. I discussed this with my sponsor, who agrees that their relationship is not a good idea. I have discussed my feelings with him, but I think he only understands the opposite sex concept and not the mutual friend issue. He is encouraging her to find a female sponsor but is reluctant to "fire her" since she is newly sober, in the middle of her fifth step, and since he will be starting a new job an hour and a half away in a month, this will take care of itself.
I realize that I cannot control who he sponsors, no matter how bad an idea it is. What I have power over is my choices in my relationship with Sarah. I wish her well, but don't want to be around her. Two weeks ago, I got home and they were meeting. I quickly said hi and rushed up the stairs, the same way my sponsor's boyfriend does when he comes home and we are meeting. One week ago she invited me over for dinner. I told her I couldn't but thanked her for the invite. Two days ago, she asked my husband if I was mad at her and what the deal was with me. He got upset, didn't know what to say, so evaded the question. We got in a fight about it. I felt that this is exactly why it is a problem for him to sponsor a friend of ours, that she should have asked me and by asking him she pulled him into the middle of it. By not telling her to talk directly to me, he allowed himself to be pulled into the middle of it. He said that he thought it was fine that she asked him, and that's what he would have done. After thinking it over and talking to some other al-anons, I realized that since she hasn't asked me, this is not my issue to discuss with her. I plan on telling my husband that he chose to be her sponsor, and he needs to deal with it; she hasn't talked to me about it so this is not mine.
Am I thinking healthy here? I need some support and wisdom. Thanks!
Aloha GG...Been there somewhat and done that after arriving in the "solutions" as you have. Sponsor and the membership are gold when I need to listen for solutions and getting my mind and emotions lined up.
Maybe Al-Anon would help your Alcoholic husband also. One thing Al-Anon has taught me was "Look and Think before I jump". He forgot there was a "you" in his life for the moment. Shucks Almighty you mean it really is about progress and not perfection? If he "is willing and has the capacity to be honest" he'll find the solution door also. It's good that you can be compassionately honest with him after he thought he was different and that the suggestions didn't apply to him.
Body language is the greater part of communications. Everybody reads body language. She's the newbie to recovery and doesn't much know the lay of the land or program and your alcoholic said yes, I'll sponsor you, when he should have led her to someone else. That had it's affect on you and that's the part you gotta amend. My spouse is in program and sometimes she does things that make me ask her "What program are you in?" or "Where in the program does it say that what you're doing is sane and acceptable?" then I listen for her response because that is my part...listening. I also don't always get close to how it works while I understand that when it works there is balance and peace. When I reach balance and peace the amend is being made. Trust God, Clean House, Help Others. ((((hugs))))
I had a marital counselor tell me once all is well if you both discuss it and agree on it, until you don't than it's time to put it back on the table. I thought it was the greatest revelation to me. Anytime someone tries to triangulate me I send them directly to the person they are referring to, because I have been burned down that road too many times before. You know what is right and it sounds like your husband and you are able to discuss things. You have my support!
__________________
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Ugh. My hubby's relationship with his sponser or his sponsees is not something I would ever want to even know about. I can't imagine having one of my friends having that kind of relationship with him. That would be the end of that. And then to get pulled into a he said/she said problem. I think you handled it just fine. None of it was directed toward you, so it is not yours to fix.
I don't have any experience in this area. However, I will say that from your post I felt your thinking was clear minded and very fair indeed. I would have difficulties too if my spouse sponsored another female in the program. You are doing all the right things, you shared how you felt with your spouse and sponsor. Perhaps maybe consider doing a mini 4th and 5th step on this topic might be useful.
Isn't it in a rule in the fellowships that sponsors must be same-sex? I have been to both NA and AA meetings and have never seen a different-sex sponsor-sponcee relationship. Perhaps you can resume your friendship once your husband is no longer her sponsor. My BF occasionally has long telephone conversations with my best friend, who is new to AA. I am FINE with it. Then again, we live 2000 miles away from her and it's over the phone. Much easier to deal with!
Hi I do not service manual thump, however I do know that alanon is guided by the Traditions . We agree to participate in the program and be guided by the suggestions of the traditions and the Unenforceable principles
It is suggested that we have sponsors that are of the same sexual orientation. That being said my first sponsee was a male who could not find a male sponsor in the program. 26 years later I am still his sponsor and friend. We have traveled a long and sometimes painful road.
What we are discussing is the same in AA. AA's program has the same principles
I see that the husband, who is in AA has suggested that this new female member find a same sex sponsor and is directing her to that I do not understand the issue
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 25th of May 2011 10:13:10 PM
