family and friends attitude - Al-Anon Family Group

alexmaui · Veteran Member

family and friends attitude

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I can't get inside your family members' heads, so I surely don't know their reasoning. It seems to be quite common of those who lack the understanding of alcoholism to exclude the alcoholic in their lives. Perhaps some have good reason (not suggesting this is the case for you and your husband).

I have a personal experience of a family member excluding another family member; it hurts. My ex has been shunned by one of our sons for 18 months. The last time our eldest son, age 35, spoke to his dad was when he drove him home from an out-of-town jail after being arrested for his second DUI. It must have been the longest journey for both of them that day. Neither spoke.

Our eldest son lives about 2 hours away. So excluding/avoiding his dad was relatively easy all these months. Our son hurt and my ex hurt. We all hurt. But the tension was between them, not us.

They just spoke for the first time in 18 months yesterday. Our son is getting married next weekend. So our son drove down to visit with his dad to try bridge the gap between them as much as possible. The song Love Can Build a Bridge comes to mind. And it's true. Their love for one another built a bridge yesterday - how strong a bridge, who knows?

Our son stayed away all those months not because he didn't love his dad. Why exactly? I don't know, because he won't talk much to me. I've maintained a hands-off policy when it comes to their relationship. I didn't try to resolve their issues because they weren't mine in the first place. All I would say to either of them when they'd mentioned each other is "he loves you very much; this I do know."

In those 18 months, I strived to not allow their problems get in my way of peace. I wasn't always successful. But with practice, I got better.

May you find peace as well.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 22nd of May 2011 11:20:32 AM

Otie · Senior Member

Dear alexmaui, I can hear how torn you are feeling. The consequences of A leeches into so many aspects of our lives.

I would be out of place to suggest EXACTLY what to do (since I don't know the details/history), but I am remembering some advice that I thought was good from another person on this board---I think it was Canadianguy (I might be wrong) but I have tried to remember it for myself: "What decision would be in YOUR best interest"

Maybe that will be of help to you. I would be interested to read your future posts.

Also, do you happen to have a sponsor? I don't remember how far you have gotten into the program or not.

Respectfully, Otie

resp

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

When we have lived with alcoholism we often accept as "normal" behavior that makes other people uncomfortable. Drunkenness often makes other people uncomfortable, especially if it happens at family gatherings rather than in bars or clubs. If only one person is drunk, it can make for an awkward atmosphere. I was always uncomfortable when my AH was drunk when others were around, even though he was a friendly, easy-going drunk. But I could see their glances to each other and their worry, their concern that he might be driving, that his actions were unpredictable, and that he just wasn't responding to cues the way sober people do. Everybody had to humor him, and it disturbed the atmosphere of the get-together. So I can see from other people's point of view why they might be wary of inviting someone whose drinking is unpredictable.

If your AH is newly sober, these are certainly early days. Since statistically most alcoholics do not remain sober (70%-95% will resume drinking), it seems self-protective that people who don't want to be around the drinking may choose not to invite the alcoholic. If there will be children present, they may especially be worried about exposing their children to possible drinking and awkward behavior. My AH, though good-natured, would pee anywhere when he was drunk, even if there were kids around. Ugh!

If your AH has been an alcoholic long enough for other people to notice, having to earn back their confidence is one of the consequences his alcoholism imposes on him. So maybe it's not a punishment as much as a continuing reminder of the problems his choices have caused.

It's hard not to want to fix the A's life. So hard to stay on our side of the street. I wonder if this is one of those times to "turn it over"?

MichaelW · Newbie

11 members of my family attempted an intervention this morning with my son Michael age 27 - an alcohol and drug abuser - at his apartment in Philadelphia. We reside in Eastern LI New York. Some of them drove 1.5 hours to get there. They did not tell my wife and I - we have been trying for the last 2 years (rehab,doctors,etc). It did not go well -he refused but the attitude of my sisters, brother and others has been very supportive. They saw him at my daughters college graduation last weekend and the reaction was " he looked like a drug addict " - they were very upset. (They took his car away (he drives drunk all the time) - something I was always afraid to do. Maybe this is a start of something positive - maybe the needed "shock"?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Alexmau

I do believe that these actions may be a misguided sense of loyalty to you. Try talkiing to them about how you feel and be guided by their responses

Michael W so glad to see you posting again . I will pray for your son and your family and hope you have found alanon meetings on LI--- I live in NYC----- we are neighbors.

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 22nd of May 2011 03:10:11 PM

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know how many details you shared with your family/friends while seperated, but it is said we should try to share mostly with our Alanon family to keep others uninvolved. Of course you have to tell family some things...but sometimes when they know too much it is too much drama and they choose not to get mixed up in it. Or if they know too much they have judgements and grudges about the A. He doesn't have to be angry or abusive toward you for them to feel like they have to choose sides. Causing you pain can be enough for them. The more people involved, the more complicated it gets and the more personalities you have to deal with..

Is he going to AA? You mentioned forgiveness..Does he has some personal amends to make to people? Because he has stopped drinking doesn't make hurt feelings vanish.

I hope it all works out,

Christy

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
I think it is going to take more than a month of sobriety for people to trust him again. I like how you say, "unfortunate late night phone calls", when in reality, whoever he called was totally pissed at him. You have to decide what you want. You don't have to go to parties without him if he isn't invited. You don't have to be there. You have choices. But so do all those other people. They have choices too. And for now, it is what it is. Don't burn any bridges. Stay polite. Make your own parties.

alexmaui · Veteran Member

Yes. i think I shared too much before i found Al Anon. I thought my family could be supportive of me BUT not judgmental of him.
They knew him for 20 years...and it's really only been the last four years that he went deep into alcoholism. I guess it will
take more time.The only family waiting and not judging...is the younger generation. The 30-40 year olds.
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice

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