The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel better when I post here, much the same way I feel better when I share at a meeting. So right now I'm writing just to make the fingers do something and get the gobidilgluck out of my head.
As I have shared before, my wife is 12 months sober from alcohol and benzos this coming Wednesday. Things are better in our marriage than they were a year ago, that is for sure, but lately they've just been going down hill. It seems like things are the worst on the weekends when we are all together as a family (two kids). It seems like every weekend lately my wife wants to fight with me.
Anyway, I think the crux of the issue this weekend is that I misplaced my wedding ring sometime over middle of the week. I work out at home and also do my own gardening and I know I took my ring off on Tuesday or Wednesday to workout or garden and I couldn't find it the next morning. On Thursday evening I told my wife I couldn't find my ring and asked her if she had seen it. On Friday I told her that I wanted to spend some time on Saturday looking for it. Well, Saturday comes along and she slept in and I was outside doing yard work and she brought it out to me. It turns out that it fell behind my nightstand and I am imagining that I knocked it off my nightstand in my sleep. My nightstand is where I always put my ring. I thanked her and put the ring on.
Here we are Saturday and she's not talking to me. I asked her if I had done something wrong and she said that she is going to need to go to yoga and a meeting before discussing this with me. That's fine. As the day has gone on she's being short with me and I am just not responding. I'm trying to stay centered in my program and keep myself busy with other stuff. Now she's telling me that she's going to need two meetings tonight. I'm especially saddened by this because we had said that we were going to put the kids to bed early, watch a movie together, and have "us time." I doubt this will happen if she goes to the meetings tonight.
Also, out of nowhere she told me that I don't have to wear a wedding ring if I don't want to.
What I have failed to mention in any of my other posts here is that my wife cheated on me when she was actively drinking and using. Through the help of Alanon, a great sponsor, and a good therapist I decided to try to embrace recovery and work the ALanon program while my wife worked her AA program. I've gone to many open AA meetings and heard over and over again how many alcoholics cheated on a spouse. All of this and watching how hard my wife was working at staying sober by going to meetings and working a program caused me to turn my marriage, hurt, sorrow, and anger over to God. I chose not to seek a divorce and not to break up the family. I was really falling back in love with my wife again and I was really starting to get over the infidelity.
Right now I feel almost as lonely as I did when she was drinking and using. I have nights when I go out with my guy friends. Just yesterday my buddies and i spent a lot of time together at the beach surfing and yucking it up. I go to alanon, church, and I truly enjoy my job as a high school teacher and I love my own children to no end. I have wonderful things in my life to be thankful for and I say thanks every day. I have a relationship with God again that I had gotten away from. There is much to be thankful for. I see that and I get it.
Sometimes this is just so hard. I know that I haven't intentionally done anything to make my wife angry. I wouldn't have told her I lost my ring and asked for her help had I wanted to appear as if I were single. This recovery business can be really hard folks. I'm hanging out with my kids again without my wife again. I'm going to keep my mouth shut, my mind focused, and try to do something with this loneliness by taking my kids to a park and running around.
Thanks for letting me share and feel free to offer me any suggestions.
-- Edited by surfingmaestro on Saturday 21st of May 2011 06:27:53 PM
This is the turning it over process surf...keep doing it and be grateful you aren't the alcoholic who's struggling with a brain/mind which has been screwed up with alcohol and drugs. Keep what you have learned in the program, with your sponsor, the fellowship, literature and more close to heart and stay directly in the middle of your HP's hands. Kill all the expectations (those are future resentments), judgments (unless you're holding a mirror up in front of yourself) and beliefs that she is supposed to be the center of your happiness. Happiness is an inside job. Love, understanding and compassion were the lessons that calmed me most in early recovery. No they didn't do much for the alcoholic/addict wife except keep me out of the way between her and her higher power.
Sad and Lonely for me mean't I was to do lessons on "Self Love"...literature has good stuff on that as well as sponsors.
Take care of your self and keep practicing, practicing, practicing turning her/it over.
Sometimes no matter how much we learn to love ourselves, we yearn for the relationship picture we have in our minds. I would suspect that what your wife may be dealing with is her own guilt (just a guess), and transferring the blame.
When she does decide to discuss the matter, keeping in mind "JADE" may be helpful.
JADE=Do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. This works especially well with accusations. I find it is better to leave their problem/accusation with them to work out instead of spinning my wheels trying to proclaim my innocence, especially when the person wants me to feel guilt..
Hope you have a great time with the kids, there's always joy to be found with kids :)
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Would it help you to know she isn't doing "it" to you, she is just doing "it". If she had the chance she would pass on the attitude to someone else. That is the nature of the disease.
I can feel through your words how hurtful it is. When a similar situation came up in my life like that I took my oldest out of the house and planned a fun day. He said daddy is in a bad mood. I said, well, that doesn't mean we have to be does it? Lets get out of here and have fun! So we did.
Part of my recovery lies in the grace of getting on with my life and creating those special memories with my children. Certainly my spouse is always welcome and wanted on these adventures. However, these times do creep up and it best to leave the AH at home.
Also, in terms of loneliness, I ask my higher power to come a little closer. I have an honest conversation with Him and say exactly what I feel. Somehow, the feelings of loneliness lessen. Another way that helps fill me up is to come on to this board and welcome the newcomer that is still struggling. When I pass on what was so freely given to me, I feel like I am wrapped in the arms of my HP.
Dear surfingmaestro, you have had some really good posts on this. There is one thought that I have that I would like to mention.
This is a tool that would be of enormous usefulness if the significant-other males in our lives had more awarness of it. Most women crave expressions of affection (the way men crave sex and action movies). It can go a long way when the world is feeling scratchy and gnarley to us. When my husband was around he could have ended many a conflict or insecurity on my part if he just knew to walk across the room and give a sincere and genuine sympathetic hug. Expressions of genuine romantic affection (not just preludes to sex) can never hurt---and many times can help to smooth out the rocky road in relationships.
I hope that others on this board take this as it is meant . It is NOT meant as a sexist cure-all. Just as useful information to be used when appropriate. I'll bet that a lot of women will agree, however.
It sounds like she is planning to clue you in sometime soon. I do relate to how you are feeling lonely, though. You seem to be doing a good job of hanging in. I hear that the first year of sobriety can be really tough for both spouses.
Sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Saturday 21st of May 2011 09:39:10 PM
I do give my wife hugs, random hugs out of nowhere. There is very little reciprocation, if any at all. I just tell myself that at least my eight year old daughter sees how she should be treated.
My wife went to her meeting in the early evening and then called when it was over and told me she was going to dinner with friends and then to another meeting and that she'd be home at 9:00. I looked at the kids, smiled, said we are going to dinner and then we went to to an outdoor mall that has a huge ferris wheel, rode it, went and looked at puppies at a pet shop, and got a brownie from a bakery. A blues band was playing on a stage at the mall and we listened to them for a while too. They had fun, I had fun, and they fell asleep in the car on the way home.
My wife was home an hour later than she said she'd be and when she came in I was in bed. I wasn't tired but I sensed that when she'd come in she would be defensive because of what had happened earlier that day and I just didn't want to go down a road that would lead to a fight. As she walked in I said the serenity prayer and asked my HP to fill me with the right attitude to deal with her. She came in, walked into the bedroom, and used the bathroom, small talk, etc. Nothing too big. She asked what we did and she seemed surprised that we looked at puppies and somewhat chastised me for letting the kids look at puppies because they will now want one and we can't afford it. I said nothing. The only thing I said to her that wasn't a response to something she asked me first was that in the future I would appreciate a call if she was going to be late like she was. I got a snarky remark back about having to drive people home and not being able to talk on the phone while driving. I said nothing and continued watching a show in bed.
I'm sad about how things are going with our relationship. I am happy about how the program is working for me. I feel like turning things over is getting easier and easier. I kept my mouth shut and only made a politely assertive request that she call when she is going to be late. My kids had fun and I got some good pictures on the ferris wheel, which was their first time having the courage to go on it. I'm awake this morning feeling rested and calm. I feel like the program is working for me!
dear surfingmaestro, it does seem, from what you say, that you are really working hard to do all that you can do (even random hugs!).
As I have said, I know that there are many others who have had experience with early sobriey of a spouse (I haven't had it with a spouse). I would continue with the guidence of the program if I were in your shoes. I have heard them say, many times, how hard the first year is on a couple. I have also heard them say that trying to be inside the mind of a recovering A is like being in a dangerous neighborhood. None of us can be mindreaders no matter how much we try.
surfingmaestro, I loudly applaud your determination to do what is best for yourself and your loved ones. I would say continue to hang in as you have been. Some of the oldtimers say "more will be revealed"
Please continue to trust yourself. I know you will be strong engough to deal with it as it comes.
Very respectfully, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Sunday 22nd of May 2011 10:14:27 AM
I think under the circustances you are doing quite well. Your wife's disharmony is the result of what's going on inside of her. It's difficult to not take it personally, I know. But it's all about her and her perceptions that governs her choices.
Your children are fortunate that they have you as their dad. You're able to carry on during these challenging times to make happy memories with them, instead of holding a pity party.
I've read and heard that the first year of sobriety is quite difficult for everyone. Keep that in mind and continue being kind to all, especially to yourself.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
