How to Respond? - Al-Anon Family Group

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

How to Respond?

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thats awesome, thanks for bringing it back here to show others that we can feel better when we go to meetings and get support. I am on the hunt for another meeting myself... Thanks again :)

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I think your response was awesome - truthful and honest, not overly sympathetic, but not cold or heartless. Tough conversation, for sure.

I am glad you found the person you want to ask to be your sponsor! Sponsors can help so very much.

Letting go of the guilt about getting divorced was something I struggled with for a long time, and something I still struggle with now from time to time - 5 years later. I start to feel sorry for my exAH because he has a crappy apartment he barely makes the payments on, his stuff is always getting turned off (lights and phone), he has no connection with his old friends or family, etc. I feel like that's my fault sometimes. I tend to romanticize our relationship, I think - focus on the good parts of it and minimize all the bad stuff that was really overwhelming. I've found that journaling helps - making a list of the things that were crazy and chaotic when we were married, not for the purpose of bashing him, but just for the purpose of helping myself get back to reality.

I realize that my ex AH has choices, just the way I do. He could choose something different if he wants something different. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I changed in the scenario I had with my ex, but he's still the same. I pray that one day he will "get it."

Blessings,

Summer

member922 · Senior Member

I think you handled the situation perfectly. You are so strong.

Let us know how the sponsor thing goes. I am interested in that. I don't know much about it. I love how you are giving a different meeting a try. You are getting better all the time. I am guessing the guilt with go away after you process it and throw it away.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Gail

So glad you found that new meeting and could connect with the members. You are on your way!!

Great response to hubby

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Gail)))

Choices are what this program is about and what life in general is about. You made choices that you knew were the next right thing for you. In doing so you moved on to a better place in your life. Accepting Step One, keeping all the focus on yourself, and always taking care of yourself first.......Hey, that works every time. Your posts and replies to others show you are doing that to the best of your ability.......your special.

HUGS,
RLC

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi GailMichelle, I really liked your response to your ex. And I am also glad to hear you might have found a sponsor. I have a tough woman sponsor that can handle me and send me straight to my HP when I need it. It has been invaluable. I also added a 3rd meeting that is just starting up Monday nights, AWESOME! This program has been so great and I am so appreciative. Thanks for the share!

lyn46 · Member

Hi

I think your response was right on. I'm glad you found a potential sponsor. It says alot that you would pick a "tough"sponsor. You need to be in a place to receive those things that your sponsor will speak into your life, which it sounds like you are. Iron sharpens iron, we all need someone who will tell us the truth about ourselves.
I recently separated from my AH. I know all about feeling guilty, but I can say this time its different. I just came to place of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Maybe it will help to think about where you've been as far as dealing with his addiction goes. What led you to divorce in the first place. Remember where you came from. And keep in mind that HIS addiction has brought him to a place of personal bankrupcy. Like the others have said focusing on your personal recovery is the most important thing. Take Care... (((hugs)))) ~Lyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Gail,

I am so glad you got her phone number as a potential sponsor. I am very fortunate to have the same sponsor for many years. The relationship between us is so very special. The best gift I have gotten from her is that she is the only person in this world that knows everything about me. She is kind, encouraging, and tough. Best of luck to you.

Sincerely,
Tommye

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Everyone!

Thank you all for your responses. They mean a lot!

My ex has recently returned from south of the border. He was down there for several months. I knew it would be challenging when he came back. We are very civil to each other. I always had told him during the divorce process that no matter what, I will not be his enemy. He'd get nasty at times (the disease was nasty) but I always managed to not engage. We still love each other; however, to live together is something I'm not willing to do. We are still at the awkward stage. It's very challenging for both of us.

I'm really pleased that I found the "tough" woman at last night's meeting. Like I said, I was close to accepting the idea that I wouldn't find a sponsor in the near future. At other meetings, there are other women I can relate to, but I can tell they are too soft. I need tough since I tend to be too soft. This woman has been in Al-Anon for 20 years. So she is very seasoned.

White Rabbit, thanks for suggesting journaling. I've dabbled in it a bit, but I need to do so on a regular basis. I do romanticize our relationship. Right now, all I can see is the good. I live in the home that we had built 20 years ago. He built a lot of it himself. He put his heart and soul into this home. I have mixed feelings about living here. It's in a wonderful neighborhood, nestled in a relatively safe little town next to larger ones. I can go for walks at night and not be concerned about being harassed. Right now, when I'm at home, memories flood in and overwhelm me at times. Not sure if this is just a stage. If real estate was not so bad here in CA, I would consider selling and starting over elsewhere. There are so many foreclosure that the housing market is ridiculously low.

Surprisingly, my ex hasn't been under the influence when we talk on the phone, although I can tell he isn't as sharp as he used to be. I don't know if he is drinking. I've learned to not ask. YAY for me!

Again, thanks to you all for your support! Truly appreciate your feedback.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.