I listened to Al-anon speakers on my phone and still do.  I have hours worth on them and download them for free from XA Speakers website.  I listen to hours worth every day.

I wrote a list of goals to achieve before the end of each day.  I set an alarm for every half an hour at first to go back and review my goals.  That was in the beginning when I was having a hard time with not thinking about my ex.  I eventually didn't have to set alarms.

In the same book that had my goal list in it I journaled.  I wrote how I did with my goals, what might have hindered that, and my regular journaling.  I have the pages separated to physical, spiritual and emotional needs as well.  I keep track of how I nurtured myself that day and what I will commit to the next day.  I still do that to this day.

I transferred my obsession with my ex to myself and program.

I heard we have to earn our way out of relationships to have our dignity.  When I got the connection and heard loud and clear that - my disease is focusing on other people, that is how they get enabled by me - then whenever I would think longingly of a person who I realize is toxic to me- sticking to my boundaries makes it easier.  I can look at behavior and see how unhealthy it is, instead of fantasizing about who I wish they were.  Ask yourself, what is it about you that makes it okay to be with an emotionally unavailable person and why do you want that?  For me it was my pattern, it was my "normal" ergo dysfunctional.  If I want peace of mind and happiness, I have to do things that are new (uncomfortable) and different so I can receive a new and different result.

I was also, in love with love, a love addict in general.  I had to accept I was addicted to the excitement, chaos & dysfunction as well.

When I notice I am obsessing about someone - I pray hard and long, I pray to hand them over, I pray for willingness to work program and willingness to allow god to open my mind and to allow me to surrender and accept life on life's terms (as it comes).  I remind myself when I worry to hand these people and their problems over, my negative feelings - I push them out, up and over and say, I willingly give you my negative feelings, take this ____ (fear, guilt, anger, frustration, judgement) right now.  I forgive myself for taking over my HP/god's job once again and I love and nurture my inner child best way I can.  I ask god/HP to show me how to do that too.  Incidentally, when you ask HP/god to show you something genuinely and in humility - our prayers get answered.  Of course, u cant stare at any specific outcome either, god wont be tempted to perform.  God will honor your free will choice to do what you are going to do- if you surrender to HP, then you defer control of that to the higher power.  Respect that HP can and will do it, act with faith or act as if.

When your mind takes over again and you are not focused on YOU, merely redirect your mind (if you chide yourself, forgive you for that too and practice being kinder and gentler) back to you after you pray it over and release it again.  Do this 100 times a day if that is what it takes, do it until you feeel the peace and until it happens/triggers again. Learning how to hand it over, let go, let god - this will get easier the more you do it.

As far as the past goes, I found it helpful to write hate letters (that I never intended to send but vent for myself) to my ex's shortly after the relationship, this way we dont devlop rose colored glasses and think it looks better than it really was in reality. I would keep them in my pc to read over when I forgot how it really was, to remind myself of what I did not want again.

Having boundaries to take care of us, one day at a time, makes getting through tough days easier, take it in moments if you have to.  One moment at a time, I will focus on me.

Part of how I met my current bf and have had a stable and emotionally healthy relationship was - after I was ready to date and could focus on me (and had no trouble doing this and being alone) and had begun to establish boundaries - like I dont want to date an addict/alcoholic ever again - that allowed me to have a date and not look back if they rang the red flag of addiction. 

anyway - I wanted this perfect ideal relationship.  To me "perfect" meant, he could accept me and not try to control me.  He would love me, just for me as I am, not for what I could/can do for him or any other reason, just for me.   I imagined how I would feel if I had that love and acceptance from a mate.  What we focus on grows and manifests the near future - so it was having this great feeling, of being loved, adored and accepted as I am.  I pretended the "perfect bf" was working out of the country - so I could stay busy working on manifesting what I wanted to attract.

  I worked to become the person I wanted to attract in another.  That meant I had to be busy and focused on me, my interests and what I had passions about.  People are attracted to kindness, dynamism and acceptance.  If you are easy going, that is more attractive then a control freak, so I worked to become what I wanted.  Take this time to develop yourself and detaching from other's issues, feeling, thoughts and consequences.

I literally would (b4 applying program) would obsess and think about my bf's constantly.  It must feel like psychic needling.  I learned that the more I hand the men over, and dont think about what they are doing - and get busy with my fabulous life and keeping my own interest -- guys wanted to be with me and I had some choices.  I did not make it easy or convenient either.  I stopped asking adults questions and watched to see who was sharing what with me, who was emotionally intimate and available and who could lovingly accept me warts and all.

As the relationship/s progress and you establish boundaries with people, the ones who cannot accept or respect you are the ones you can choose to not spend energy with/on. I want to feel accepted and good as I am, healthy people can do this easily.  They dont take me personally - and they dont try to change me, they support me and enjoy me.  I think god sends us some "junk males" to practise on, to see if we are really serious about making changes in our lives.  I hated feeling like my life revolved around someone else and now it doesnt - my focus and my feelings of esteem all come from my own actions and thoughts now.  I am respectfully not emotionally enmeshed with others and when I do, I pray and forgive and accept until it takes and I can feel that inside.

ick I remember that. And I remember what I really wanted/needed so I thought was for him to call me. Care about me.

He never called, never wondered if I was ok. I would think about calling him, sending him a letter, then my head would say, he does not care, he does not love you.

If they did they would at least send a text to just check on us.  That is what kept me from calling him. Becuz the truth was he had nothing I wanted or needed, sadly.

The drive to want to contact goes away in time. I used to pray to our creator to please stop my love for him. Then finally I realized it was ok for me to love him. I became confortable with it. Then next thing I knew, those feelings just dissolved. I loved my Ah all my life. But that guy was dead. This one in his body was and is a monster.

Facing the truth of it all, I walked away  100% and did not look back.

I hope this helps in some way. hugs,deb