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Well, I managed to get away from my AH. But he isn't leaving me alone. He keeps calling 100 times a day asking if I am going to commit to supporting him if he goes to a program. My thought is, been there done that. It didn't work. Then he threatens to leave the hospital he is at..(he checked himself into a phyc ward to avoid a court date) He thinks in a couple of months he should be allowed to come home on weekends etc. but I am not feeling compelled to commit to that. I don't want him back here.
The bottom line is I'm fed up with addiction right now and I just want to live a normal life and take care of myself. Is that wrong?
I dont think there is anything wrong with being fed up with addiction. Once I accepted that I was powerless over it.. that is when I could see I had decisions and choices to make. I remember my sponsor saying to me...there is getting it, then there is getting it and then there is really getting it. I understand wanting a normal life, which today I see as wanting a healthy life. There is nothing healthy about addiction and all that accompanies it, and everything healthy about taking care of yourself. I forgot how to even take care of myself until I got into the rooms of alanon...so glad your here and blessings your way.....
I am in the same shoes currently and my AH is mad at me and even brought things to my house last night to start a fight, I chose no to play along to his full blown adult tantrum and thanked him for bringing my stuff over. I am beyond tired of this addiction and am finally putting the energy into myself. I hand him over to my HP everytime he enters my mind, because only He can help him. I want no more part of the crazy making life that it brings and I long to be healthy and am choosing that road everyday! I am in full support of your choices and send you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
You're not wrong in the least Lyn.... sounds like he is "hinging his recovery on you", which is fairly common, but (of course) not at all healthy for him, you, or anyone....
When faced with these types of situations, I was taught (by my sponsor) to turn it back over.... Not only turn it over to your HP, but also to "give his recovery back to him" - he is currently trying to manipulate the relationship with these types of requests for promises, commitments..... I was taught to answer those things with "I hope and pray you choose sobriety for you", and leave it at that....
There is no way you can reasonably answer that question, at this time - so in my opinion, there is no point in even trying to give him an answer to those things...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The constant calling would drive me crazy. I might say something like "I can't talk right now and I will call you when I can." After that I would ignore the phone. I would use another phone for my calls when ignoring the one he is calling on. I have done that in the past. My ex didn't have my house phone number until we reconcilled. All he had was my cell.
That freed me up to concentrate on myself, my own recovery and life. :)
This is the start of self care in recognizing what you need, and nurturing that. There is nothing wrong with that.
It is not wrong. He is playing a common game addicts play which is "the taking of hostages." He is trying to make you think you are responsible for his recovery and that is BS... If you bought into it he would relapse for sure because he wouldn't be doing it for him. Sadly, many alcoholics have to get to the point where literally noone is supporting them before they finally take that step towards starting to help themselves.
You deserve peace, serenity, and a calm life. He has to want recovery for himself. Bottom line.
I've decided to do exactly what clep did..ignore his phone calls..its the best thing. Otherwise I just end up repeating myself and my stance over and over again while he accuses me of having an eye on someone else....seriously??? I gave him our Pastor's number and told him to call him for support. I hate to be rude but I've lost all my patience. He's drained me so badly..there is nothing left to give. I guess thats a good place for me to be right now or else I'd be right back enabling him. I realized today that as much as I want my AH to prove himself by actions, I have to prove myself by my own actions, not enabling. Thats where I think the program will work. I need to find a sponsor... but first I need to find a meeting.
I thought I was wrong because I felt relieved and like I could actually live when my AH was in rehab. Now I understand that it was my body and mind getting much needed rest from my own addiction.
Keep in mind that you always have choices. You always have the choice not to answer the phone, not to read the texts, etc. You're doing a great job - keep on keeping on.
Thanks to you all. I've been really blessed with all the support I've received from family and friends (like you). It makes the burden a little lighter when you know others are carrying it with you. Thanks again. :)
