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I'm new here. I've had alcoholics in my life, my whole life. My grandfather, my father, my exH. My current H is someone that I've been friends with for 17 years and my first and true love. He also is an alcoholic, although recovering.
When he wanted to marry me a few years ago, I said no. I'd had enough of alcoholics in my life and told him that I wouldn't go through it again. He ended up going through rehab and still attends counseling and AA today. He's been sober for about a year and a half. We've been married six months.
He's been very strong and has not relapsed. Our lives are good together and we're happy overall. I don't live with fear that he's going to relapse, although I realize it is a possibility.
We do have some issues that I believe are related to recovery and the absence of alcohol in his life. I believe alcohol gave him courage and lowered his inhibitions in certain areas of our lives (and that was a good thing, not the alcohol of course). Now, we're dealing with the opposite effect.
I don't know how direct I can be in explaining this so I'm just going to say that medical intervention has helped, but we're still having issues. I'm really starting to feel that there is something related to me that's causing our problem. I've started on an anti-D to help with what looked like the onset of depression and that's not helping me in that department either. I feel like we're sort of in a downward spiral. It's hurting both of our self confidence levels. I don't know if this is temporary and a normal part of recovery (the body adjusting to the changes, as well as psychological effects). He did see a doctor and he explained that it can take up to two years for the body to learn to function correctly without alcohol so I've held onto that, but we're approaching two years quickly.
We've vowed honesty with each other so he knows how I feel about this. I think that hurts him further. I'm now on a moral fence of whether or not to keep sharing how I feel about this with him, or "faking it till we make it".
If anyone has any insight or experiences or knowledge they can share with me, I'd certainly appreciate it. I did suggest marriage counseling to him, but he wasn't receptive to that idea.
I think its a complex issue and one that certainly affects the marriage .
Sex was very inconsistent and then non exsistent toward the end of my 26 year marriage, it didnt become the reason why we separated, the drinking and the chaos it brought was.
AFter awhile it was not fun to have sexual relations with the A and I stopped. At this point the XAH is impotent and he is 57 and has been impotent for at least 5 years or more. I think it has a lot more to do with the mental state , I think they think they cannot perform without the alcohol and feel inhibited. This is only my opinion.
Too bad he wont discuss this with a professiona, sex is one of the important parts of our life, its not the most important, but it is a component to marriage and one that should be addressed. Perhaps your husband just needs some encouragement and confidence....it is a problem though among alcoholics.
Are you in Alanon? That is the best thing I have done for me, was to start going to meetings. The meetings make me feel better and I have started to become more positive. I went through 10 years of therapy and none of it really helped at all. I took anti-depressents and those didn't help either. Not until I started alanon and started to feel a spirituality awakening in me, have I gotten a glimpse of true happiness. Its there. I am not sure from you post if you are in alanon or not, but for me, what is working is going to meetings, coming on this board and posting shares, and searching for a sponsor to help me. I hope this helps. You are not alone! Welcome here!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I agree with Bettina - it is a complex issue and one on which he should seek help.
But, I wonder, you say you are on anti-Ds but have you seen a counsellor yourself to talk through all your problems? If you haven't, maybe think about it - it could help you.
In the meantime, finding this board is a good step forward. Most of us have walked in your shoes and know some of what you are going through. You will find amazing support here (I know I have).
I would focus on the more positive aspects of the relationship and try to take the pressure off of the sexual part of the relationship. It could also be as simple as performance anxiety. Don't put pressure on yourselves to move mountains, just be affectionate with each other and let things happen and if they don't, it's O.K. I hope I'm not getting too personal, but if it's just a self confidence issue, there are ways of boosting a man's self confidence without having to rely on mr. happy. I don't know but I wonder if medical intervention may actually be hurting self esteem for both of you, kind of like you don't know if it's real and he feels like he's cheating so it's more staged then affectionate.
Counseling is on the agenda for me. We just got our insurance in place last week so I can afford to go. Luckily, they have a pretty good wellness program and family programs for this kind of thing. I still think he'll be more receptive to counseling about this issue once the two year mark hits and it's still an issue. Right now, he's still holding out hope that it's going to go away on its own.
When my AGF finally got ahold of a decent stretch of sobriety after much trial and error, our "relations" went from an incredible frequency to about 1/3rd of the previous amount (although it improved in quality significantly due to improvements in her physical coordination and emotional stability). That lasted about six months, and now the frequency has started to increase again very slowly. We are both in our early 30s, physically sound, and are vigorously working our respective programs, so we may actually represent close to the best case scenario.
I know it's easier for me to say it than you, but I would give it some time and try not to worry about it. Maybe mix things up with some toys and/or kinky stuff, few people seem to be prudes about anything these days so you may as well join the party and be creative. Get goofy and have some fun.
I would focus on the more positive aspects of the relationship and try to take the pressure off of the sexual part of the relationship. It could also be as simple as performance anxiety. Don't put pressure on yourselves to move mountains, just be affectionate with each other and let things happen and if they don't, it's O.K. I hope I'm not getting too personal, but if it's just a self confidence issue, there are ways of boosting a man's self confidence without having to rely on mr. happy. I don't know but I wonder if medical intervention may actually be hurting self esteem for both of you, kind of like you don't know if it's real and he feels like he's cheating so it's more staged then affectionate.
Thought I'd add a man's perspective on it.
Thank you very much for that. I've thought about that too. It seems like he has less natural function now than before he started taking Viagra. Like it's in his head that he can't perform without it. I actually had the thought earlier that we take a break from them and let things progress more naturally.
Thinking of what you've said, and going back through my head of how things evolved to where they are today, I think this could be a key to getting it back on track.
When my AGF finally got ahold of a decent stretch of sobriety after much trial and error, our "relations" went from an incredible frequency to about 1/3rd of the previous amount (although it improved in quality significantly due to improvements in her physical coordination and emotional stability). That lasted about six months, and now the frequency has started to increase again very slowly. We are both in our early 30s, physically sound, and are vigorously working our respective programs, so we may actually represent close to the best case scenario.
I know it's easier for me to say it than you, but I would give it some time and try not to worry about it. Maybe mix things up with some toys and/or kinky stuff, few people seem to be prudes about anything these days so you may as well join the party and be creative. Get goofy and have some fun.
No, I think you guys are right. We do have variety and neither of us are scared of being a little (sometimes alot lol) kinky or crazy, but even that has started shutting down due to our self confidence levels tanking.
Even if it's not the answer, I know that while the introduction of Viagra has helped in some respects as in the end result, I believe it is taking more away from the experience. I would rather us both have fun and enjoy each other than feel that there's some goal we have to meet.
I have some time before his magic date comes (2 years) for us to just relax and take it back to basics. If nothing is improving and we're not happy with the state of things, I can bring up counseling again then.
Dear walkingthrubluebonnetts, I have had some experience in the past with this in my own professional work (medical coordinator of an alcohol/drug program for an HMO). Actually, it is more common than not. I'm glad you all are able to talk about it---and willing to explore options. Many couples unnecessariy suffer in silence.
After a length of time--such as you have had, I would refer them to a urologist that I knew very well. Urologists are well trained to work with this issue. This guy would see the man first and then talk with the couple together (if they wished).
This is a good option, in my opinion. I have found that most men seem more comfortable with a male urologist to discuss intimate issues. Also, the urologist knows exactly what to ask in non threatening ways.
There are some good books on the subject also. A good old standby is "The Joy of Sex"
I think you have lots of room for optimism.
Sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Thursday 19th of May 2011 05:33:04 PM
Aloha Walking...Recovery is about "changing" or "amending our lives" and in that process lots of things change some involuntarily and others by choice and work. My values changed after I was in program for a while and at the same time my spouses remained the same. In recovery we get to see the "picture" from many more perspectives and our numbers of choices in responding also changes. I became driven by thought and then choice rather than reaction and fear of or fear to. There are things that are more important to my spouse and there are things that are more important that her way of "acting on them" isn't my own...different values and as I have said here before...I'd rather be loved rather than just sexed and that is how it has evolved in my own recovery which comes from a history of alcoholism and the sexing within it. Most often before the sex came from a selfish direction and ended in isolation and emptiness. Today I love 100% "in all my affairs". ((((hugs))))
Hi there I haven't had sex in 10 years so I hear you Sex is not everything but it is important When I talked to a therapist he recommended different things read the joy of sex use toys viagra i have learned from members here it's not uncommon alcohol affects the body too You are working on your own recovery so you know its not your fault I have the feeling sex is the tip if the iceberg but if you both work on recovery communicate you will shrink the iceberg and of course LOVE I wish you the best and I admire you for your courage to speak up and deal with It. :)
Thank you for having the courage to post so openly about your relationship. There have been so many outstanding replies, I can't add much to them. I would like to say I am glad you are here. I hope you would consider attending face to face Alanon meetings. The topic of sex/intimacy is a topic that is discussed in our meetings. I think you really get some additional strength and support from people who have been where you are now.
I've got a couple of ideas to explore - low testosterone and Vitamin deficiency. there may be other physiological areas to explore as well. Good luck!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I'm going to be quite direct, please forgive me if this is too blunt.
I'm assuming that your hubby has had a complete physical workup and that there are no physiological reasons for the problem. Anything that impairs blood flow, like cardiovascular disease, hypertension, diabetes can affect erectile function. Smoking will eventually have an effect. Also many medications (including the ones to treat the conditions I mentioned) such as anti-depressants and mood stabilizers have a negative impact.
Then, of course, there are numerous psychological reasons. Particularly for someone who is accustomed to functioning in everyday life with alcohol, there are all kinds of adjustments to learning to live with its absence.
I'll second DadtoCandE's advice to shift the focus from "the act" to exploring alternate forms of physical affection -- "outercourse". It not only takes away the pressure of performing, it's a lot of fun!
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I'm going to be quite direct, please forgive me if this is too blunt.
I'm assuming that your hubby has had a complete physical workup and that there are no physiological reasons for the problem. Anything that impairs blood flow, like cardiovascular disease, hypertension, diabetes can affect erectile function. Smoking will eventually have an effect. Also many medications (including the ones to treat the conditions I mentioned) such as anti-depressants and mood stabilizers have a negative impact.
Then, of course, there are numerous psychological reasons. Particularly for someone who is accustomed to functioning in everyday life with alcohol, there are all kinds of adjustments to learning to live with its absence.
I'll second DadtoCandE's advice to shift the focus from "the act" to exploring alternate forms of physical affection -- "outercourse". It not only takes away the pressure of performing, it's a lot of fun!
I prefer blunt! I just didn't know how in depth I could go since it's a family site.
I know they checked his testosterone level and prostate numbers and ran a general panel but I don't know about a complete physical at that time. I don't think so, but it hadn't been too long before that he'd had one. When he got the results back and they were fine, that's when the doc talked to him about it taking time for his body to adjust and he gave him the prescription.
I talked to him last night about us not using Viagra every time. I told him that I was happy keeping it natural and that if he felt he wanted to take them at any point so we could do "the other thing" that was okay too, but that I didn't need that each and every time. What was most important to me was us spending time together, enjoying each other. He isn't a man of many words so he said "okay, we can do that".
I've been on the anti-D's for a couple of weeks now. I've been on them in the past and they seemed to have more effect by this point than they are now. I'm still super cranky, although not as down as I was. Therapy is one thing that I will be doing, but my doc also thought it could be my thyroid (which it wasn't) or peri-menopause. The women in my family tend to start young (late 30's and I'm almost 41) so I've decided to talk to my OBGYN about hormone replacement options as well. I had spoken to him about it last summer when the symptoms started (although sporadic) and he'd said whenever I felt the need to come on in. So I think I'm there. I'm trying to get any issues of my own straightened out so they don't lend any complications to our situation. I'm trying to remain self-aware and not take the easy road by saying all of my feelings are attributed to him. Realistically, there's two of us involved here and I'm responsible for what I do and how I contribute to this relationship.
So that's where we are. Taking things one day at a time and trying to be proactive instead of reactive. I'm off to make myself pretty. H and I have a lunch date today
Impotence in early sobriety happens often and a yr and half is still early sobriety , my husb was reasured that things would return to normal in due course , and they did . Lots of hugs for awhile works .. I assume you are not attending Al-Anon for yourself ,please do it for you .. we print a couple of amazing books addressing the intamacy in an alcoholic marriage one is Living with Sobriety and Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage these can be purchased at your local meetings or literature depot . Louise
A little backstory first. My H broke a couple of vertabrae in his back about 3 months ago. Had a CT scan done at the ER. He re-injured his back this past weekend so we were back at the ER. Different doctor, but they had his CT results from last time to compare to the ones they took this weekend.
Turns out, both CT scans showed diffuse demineralization of the bones (thinning) but the previous doc didn't mention it. A big culprit for this in a man his age (although this hasn't been determined YET) is low testosterone. Also, the fractures haven't even tried to heal which is another big red flag. They should have had significant improvement in the first 6-8 weeks.
Well, he's had plenty of other symptoms of low testosterone as well. So we've made an appointment with a Urologist for later this week. He called his doc that did the panel earlier this year and they can't find his results in his file or the lab reports. I asked him again if they ran his testosterone levels at that time, and now he doesn't know. I don't know if he even had a panel run then, but even if he did, he doesn't know now what the doc even looked at. It's just interesting when I'm wanting a copy to provide his new doc this week that they mysteriously can't be found
I know this is a sensitive subject for him, and I'd hate to think he lied about the tests (that doc is the one that prescribed him Viagra), but it does go back to his belief that his body is just recovering from the alcohol abuse and will be just fine after a couple of years. In any event, this bone loss scared him enough to want to go to the doctor asap so we'll get to the bottom of it.
As promised, results of the lab work. His testosterone was VERY low. We've started replacement therapy through injections. We go back for another lab workup in six weeks to see if the dosage is correct.
In the meantime, we've been focusing on quality time together and the relationship is going well. He seems very relieved that there is an answer for it all. I think that will help with any psychological affects from the ED.
On the way home from the doc, H mentioned that he didn't think drinking would mess up hormone levels. So I did some looking around and found that it's a very common side effect of binge drinkers. Not only that, but if low T levels are present, men are at a much higher risk of heart attacks.
I want to thank everyone who was so supportive on this thread. It's really soothing to know that there are people I can talk to about this stuff who understand what we're going through.
