The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have felt so frustrated at times knowing that I know what I am supposed to do, but then putting it off or not doing it at all. Often it is procrastination, but most often it is fear, and avoidance of the discomfort that is the inevitable result. I finally took a step forward and now am sitting with my feelings.
A familiy counselor explained the relationship my ex and I had with our son the best. He said, "Its like you've been playing tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and then you run to the other side and grab his hand with the racket and swing, then run back to your side, pick up your racket and hit the ball, then throw your racket down run to the other side, grab his arm and swing, and on and on." He said "now you are tired and you realize it is no fun. its time to walk away from the game until he really wants to be a partner."
My son will be 18 in July, and I see how we have always served as his backup. While I don't think our actions were totally permissive, they certainly were with his personality type, and he was able to sit back and let us cushion his blows .I've been thinking alot about this lately, and how easy it is to just keep saying, "just this once". I do not want to be still saying that when he is 25 or 42, i need to do it now whi;e the stakes are still low.
He left tonite for his senior trip which consists 3 amusment parks in 2 days, leaving 1:00 a.m. Wed and returning late Fri night. Our town and school provide a wonderful opportunity for the kids to get their trip paid for and to receive spending money. Parents and kids run the concession stands at sporting events, and between the tips and the hours worked by the kids, they earn a lot of cash for tje trip. I reminded my son on numerous occasions(nagged) to work during basketball with answers of "I know" and "I will" and no action. So tonite before he leaves, he asks me if he can have some spending money. Without knowing if he had any, I said, "I don't have any, and I did my part, I reminded you to work the concessions and you chose not too". He said he did receive $40, and that it wouldn't be enough for 8 meals, and pointed out I was getting my deposit back and basically didn't pay anything for his trip. As if I it is my duty. Yes, that is what I have taught him.
So, I did it. I let him walk out the door knowing he may go a bit hungry or just not have as much freedom to chow down on whatever he feels like, or maybe he will just mooch off of others and not feel a thing. Who knows? Not my problem.
I am here typing because I feel bad. "One more time" has to start somewhere, and needs to be uncomfortable. I think it may just be one more thing he will add to his resentment list, but I need to let that go too. in my heart, I know it is right, but is only a small step toward serenity for me and independence for him. Tough love is exactly that, for both parties. Ouch.
Blessings,
Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Thursday 19th of May 2011 07:54:04 AM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Loupy, I am so proud of you! You have come a long way. I admire your actions.
I know that it's hard. He can resent anything he wants, and you are right, it is NOT your problem. Either way, you are doing what you know is better for you and what is better for him.
Great job! So good to read. Let us know how it goes. Thanks.
my son has just been 18 this weekend. Thanks to al anon I have been doing tough love with him for a little while and he is becoming more and more independent. I always feel abd when I do it but I know it is the right thing to do. When he was learning to walk if I would have always held his hand he would never of had the confidence to do it alone, I had to let him fall and pick himself up. I do believe today that I am trying to be a good parent as allow my kids to develop their own identies and become responsible adults, even if I find it uncomfortable sometimes.
let go and let god is a good one for me hugs tracy xxx
Yeah for you, my exAH is still coddled to this day by both his parents and we are now divorcing and I am paying a huge price for it. He is still looking at me with that wounded look wondering why I don't want to keep doing most the work and keep smiling about it while he drinks and has me clean up the consequences. It has taught me to raise my children to be responsible and independent people. Sounds like you are helping him to learn an important lesson and I can understand that may be hard on you, so good for you to move out of your comfort level here.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Baby steps Lou.... remember, you are not the 'bad guy' in this situation.... your son had numerous opportunities to take care of the spending money himself, and chose not to....
Sounds like you did an awesome thing..... he might not appreciate it now, but I'll wager that in ten years time you will BOTH remember this incident with fond memories...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My sons are 8 and 14. I am working hard on this too, making sure they help with stuff around the house, like taking out the trash, cleaning their rooms, recycling out, and dishes. Also, I am going to be taking them to get savings accounts to start putting their money in, when they get money. This way they start to learn to save their own funds for things they want. I have to stick to it though, its hard because they get lazy and I get lazy, and then I get mad that they didn't think to do stuff. So this weekend, I am planning to make a chart that they have to look at each day to see what they need to do. I know my bf never had to do anything around his house and now he has no idea how to cook, or do much. His parents did everything for him and that hurt him. We are all learning here and it is baby steps. Thanks for your share! Great job!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Great job! If I had had the courage to start that with my 44 y.o. daughter as a child, we would both be much better off, currently her life is a mess and I'm trying to work my recovery, during thing I should have done years ago, the older they are the more vicious the resentment and anger is.
Dear Loupiness. Hooray for your mother love. Oh my gosh, I know how hard it was for you to do--I faced that as many times with mine--and still do.
It might help you (when you feel like the "bad guy") to remember that mother love trumps motherguilt! What you did was out of love. You love him enough to try to turn him out into the world as a responsible person. Years down the road he will love you back for it.
Definitely something for him to think about! I wonder if he understood that if he didn't work at the concessions, he wouldn't have the spending money? Sometimes we expect them to know we're going to pay hardball. I've noticed that sometimes I'm effectively punishing my son with consequences he didn't understand at the time I would give him (if you can follow me). I mean sometimes I say, "You should have known that if you didn't do X, I wouldn't do Y!" But I really hadn't made it very clear at the time, because I find it hard to be consistent. It's a learning process for all of us!
This is my first post with this group. I am in similar situation with my almost 21 year old son. I have four kids ... an almost 23 yo and [triplets] almost 21 yo. Three of the kids attend college full-time and also have jobs. (I work at local university, so they all have opportunity to attend for almost free.) One of the triplets just can't seem to find himself. He tried college, but definitely not for him (which I am totally OK with). He currently is not working (for the past 10 mos. or so). He basically sits around the house playing video games. He will do chores for me if I leave a list. He has "borrowed without asking" money from my purse and his dad's wallet. He smokes the occasional joint. He definitely has an alcohol problem. As both my husband's family and my family have a history of alcoholism, the tendency is definitely there, which I have explained to all my kids. He has gone so far as to water down a bottle of Sangria to try to hide the fact he drank it. Not too long ago, we had a gallon bottle of Sangria and he and ONE friend drank the whole thing ... which made him violently ill the next morning ... but doesn't seem to bother him. He doesn't back-talk me or disrespect me ... and will usually do what I ask him to do ... so in that respect he is a good kid. I know a lot of people's advise is to "kick him out". But as his mother, I cannot do that ... I have talked to him about it ... I even told him that I wanted to see some change ... anything ... by the time he turns 21 (in October) or his dad thought we should tell him to leave ... which he responded with "If you kick me out I'll never come back ... and I'll get on drugs." I had an idea of, instead of kicking him out, just stripping his room of everything except basics (bed - dresser). Then he would have a place to sleep, but nothing extra. I'm rambling, but I am getting desperate. I am stressed all the time and worry constantly about him, so any advice (short of kicking him out ) would be welcome!
Welcome to MIP. I saw your post at the end of a long thread and wanted to welcome you here myself. It sounds like you have had many experiences with the family disease of alcoholism. I do so hope if you have not yet consider attending face to face alanon meetings. They are a Godsend.
Hi all, I am new to this board but have found it helpful. I am devastated as my heroin addict BF has gotten high again....after 2 1/2 months clean. He's been "trying" recovery for a long time 16 years..the key word is how hard is he trying? I just paid $8k for his private rehab, which he got out of 6/4/11.
I am in recovery myself from alcohol, so don't pretend to know what it's like to be a iv heroin user. I've also been in and out for years and right now only have 2 months myself.
I am so torn beteen tough love and wanting to envelope him in love. I guess I want to know when is it time? although in all honesty I guess I know it's time but just really don't want to do "it"..detach, tough love, ask him to move out, etc.
I love him and he is an amazing man when his disease isn't in charge. But my resentment, disgust, loss of respect and I guess love are lessenig with each "slip". I just found out about this one last night. I support him financially 100% while he is "trying" to stay clean. I support us financially and it's draining my bank account, my hope and my ability to trust.
Just needed to vent. I don't even know if he's out getting high right now.but I am dying to RUN home and check on him..and know I shouldn't?
He got high yesterday, has no money, phone shut off, yet if he wants to get high today..he'll lie and cheat and find a way.
Otie
) would be welcome!