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My fiance, alcoholic, our 2m old daughter and I live in my moms house. My mom knows he's an alcoholic (hard to hide) and the things he does (doesnt come home some nights and doesnt answer his phone so he can drink). Last week was her last straw. She said if he does it again, he's out. No if's and's or but's about it.
Today, he was on his way home from work around 4pm. He calls me close to 5pm and says he had gotten pulled over, said the cop told him his license plate looked fake. So then he was REALLY on his way home and was going to stop at the scrap yard then pick up dinner and he would be home. It usually takes him an hour at the scrap yard so I gave him that time (feeling like something was wrong the whole time). I called, he didn't answer... feeling got worse. Called again 10 minutes after, no answer. He actually called me back a few minutes later saying he couldn't come home because he drank. I broke down. It had only been 8 days since he last did this.
Right now, my mom is out to dinner with a friend so she doesn't know. He had gone driving an hour away (where he grew up, where he always goes) before he called me to tell me what had happened. I know I can't keep accepting him back after he does this but I don't know what else to do. He said to me last week that he thinks we should seperate so that he can get things straightened out. I told him, 1-I know he's just going to go deeper and not do anything if he doesn't have her driving him to come home every day. and 2-If we seperate, I know I'm not going to trust that he stayed faithful (because of drinking), so I wouldn't get back together with him but to do what he felt he has to do. He stayed.
My pickle: I can't keep it from my mom everytime he drinks. She knows what he does, "He's working late" or "he's at so-and-so's house" isn't going to fly. I feel like I have no control over my relationship, anymore. I can't stop him from drinking and not coming home and I can't stop my mom from kicking him out and splitting up my family. .... What do I do??
Edit*** I forgot to mention that he had told me he bought a small bottle (hand size) of jager, which he KNOWS he's a mean 'xxxx' on liquor and hasn't had it in years. He said he bought it Monday and thought it was cool to buy it and not drink it.... but he kept it in his truck. I feel like he knew he was going to drink it...
-- Edited by MAR2011 on Wednesday 18th of May 2011 07:14:53 PM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 18th of May 2011 11:49:29 PM
I learned the very hard way that I have no control over anyone except me. I fought that reality tooth and nail. In the process, I tore down others and myself. It wasn't worth it.
I discovered that my qualifier is going to drink if that is what he chooses.
I also recently discovered that I could have saved myself from insanity years ago if I had done what was suggested: Get with it in the Al-Anon program.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Have you gotten to go to any alanon meetings for you yet? I am sure you can bring the baby, there is a lady at the meeting I go to that brings her little dog. And I was at another meeting where someone brought her two young children. I have no experience really to say anything here, other than, I know that the A in my life is going to drink, and that I have to figure out what I am going to do. For me, I am beginning to see, that alanon meetings are the way to be free of trying to control or fix everyone else and LOOK at me :) Take care!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi Mar and welcome to MIP, it sounds like you found the right place. I am wondering if you have found Al-anon face to face meetings? They have been the most help to me and finding a sponsor has been even greater. There are a series of books called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews I am reading the series and have found them very helpful. I read a lot of Al-anon literature and books which has been great for my growth.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I have never been in the position of trying to hide the drinking of my A from anyone. The more consequences he faced the closer he got to sobriety, so for me those consequences were welcomed. When my A's actions were splitting up my family I did not place the onus for those actions on anyone else. Is your mom setting boundaries splitting up your family, or your A not respecting her boundaries the real cause?
I did used to worry about my A not coming home or what would happen if he was angry when he did finally arrive. Now I don't spend time worrying about something that hasn't happened or anything I do not have control over.
I used to time on my watch when he "should" be home and worry the whole time. If he went over the scheduled time frame I had figured out by five minutes I could have built a whole scenario of what might have been going on. I would be in a frenzy and he had nothing to do with that. I did it all on my own.
All of that thinking was a monumental waste of time for me and it robbed me of joyous moments with my child and myself.
I used to think because his actions affected my life they were my business. Now with the help of Al-anon I realize that his actions only affect me if I allow that. There are times when I slip or forget that, but I usually post here and am quickly reminded where I am going wrong.
My f2f meetings and a very active program are the answers to all my problems. I just need to apply myself and listen.
I have not gotten to a meeting yet, I will be going soon.
My pickle has been cooked and charred. He ended up going to a friend of mine's house whos sister works at a local rehab to talk to her about his options. I went outside to smoke when my mom swung open her bedroom door and asked where he was, I told her. I continued outside and a few seconds later, she followed with shoes and her purse in hand. She said she was going to "prove me wrong" insinuating I was lying about where he was. She went, she freaked out on him (I was on the phone with the friend, heard it all) and told him to not come back to the house. Long story short, he made a few calls to a rehab and is going to a meeting there tomorrow night if he doesn't get a call back by then. My mom seems to think it was her doing by kicking him out. It's not. He was going whether he stayed here or not.
It's been an extremely tough day full of tears, concern and anger. I don't know how it's going to play out from here but i'm hoping for the best...
(((Mar))) I hope your fiance makes it to his meeting. And I hope you can make it to an alanon meeting for yourself. And please keep coming back here. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.
My fiance spoke with a man he worked with when he was in rehab 3 years ago and he told him, at this time, with his goals and reasons for his stresses (that cause him to drink) he thinks he would benefit more from intensive outpatient. I agree. Being away from his daughter for a month (she'll be 3months, they grow and change so much in a month)be able to provide for his family, etc are his main stresses. He went to the center today to speak with them, get evaluated and coverage for his treatment. They cannot start him until tomorrow because of the time frame when he last drank apparently they would have to have him in detox for a week. He says he's not having any detox symptoms anymore so he's waiting until tomorrow to finalize everything.
Our only problem is getting it through to my mom that he's trying and it's not an overnight change and hopefully she allows him back into the house...
