The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My father in law is an alcoholic and has been since my husband was a late teenager (after the mother died). he is now in his 70's. There are only two children one daughter and my husband. We now live beside the father. My sister in law lives away but takes responsibility for his shopping, his housekeeping, visiting once a week and beleives that his alcoholism is an illness but his bitterly disappointed that he will not stay off it. She holds a great grudge towards my husband because during his student years and 20's he rarely went home and she had to constantly pick up the pieces. There is an uneasy truce. At family gatherings we normalise things and he takes wine, beer etc but stays off the whiskey. He is a nice man, my children really adore him, my husband has a goodish relationship with him and even when he is drunk he is gentle and kind. The problem is that when he is drunk my s-i-l feels that we are responsible by taking him to the pub -we don't he stands at the end of the lane and one of his neighbours take him, or if he falls, we should have been more alert.
My problem is that I feel sick with stress when he drinks both of something happening to him and my sister in laws reaction. my husband is worried but says that he can't stop him drinking. I believe that he probably has the more sensible reaction because we can't stop him but why am i making this my problem. I don't even feel i have a right to have this problem that i am not close enough but from reading some of the posts i identify with the feelings most of you have. But how do you move away from this constant feeling of guilt.
Sorry for being so long winded wanted to set the scene
Welcome to MIP :) Glad to have you... Al-Anon is for those that "Know someone that is an Alcoholic, weather it be a Person that you live with or just Know" So You are in the Right Place :0)
I too have been close to such a relationship that I cared what others thought of me, and their Remarks always hurt me, but when I lost my Father to this disease, over two years ago, I Realized, I NEEDED Alot MORE! I Needed Support, Love & Understanding, I Needed a Safe Place to Fall when I Just didn't understand this Disease... I Started working the Steps & Haven't looked back... My Father is Now Gone, but because of the love & support that has come my way, I am now able to Forgive my Father for his disease, and see that "He did the best he could" with what was giving to him!
So Please!!! Keep Coming back.... Keep Sharing, Reading, and Making New Friends & Quickly You will realize You are In the Right Place :0) If there is a Meeting in your Town, That ALSO is a Wonderful Start....
Sending You Healing Prayers... Friends in Recovery
Aloha M...welcome to the board and promise yourself to stick around for a while cause there are tons of experience, strength and hope from the membership here that lead to solutions for the seekers.
Guilt is a feeling; an emotion and all human being have emotions at one level or another. I found out that guilt for me happens when my value system of being helpful and supportive and having answers meets the first part of the first step. "We admitted we were powerless"... and then I get to choose (yes choose) guilt when other start to blame me for something I am powerless over too. Sometimes the guilt is valid and I have learned thru honest inventory when that is.
The stress feeling is more about fear...fear of the consequences you have no power over and of the consequences of the past repeating itself. Try the philosophy of the "3c's" and see if they don't help some. I didn't "cause" it, Can't "Control" it and will not "Cure" it. Those are true in this disease of alcoholism.
Al-Anon is a great solution to the problem. If you're having problems with someone elses drinking or with some one else who is having troubles with some one elses drinking then the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups are one "best" solution. We have a Husband and Wife membership in my Wednesday Night Turning Point AFG meeting in Hilo and they are both growing...their "alcoholic/addict" is also a family member who is actively drinking and using. You can go with your husband and your S-I-L if all are willing and then if not...go by yourself. Hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. You will find lots of literature there to read and more support than you can find anywhere else. We share what we found in the program and practice what is suggested with others who want what we have.
Keep coming back here also. This is Miracles In Progress. ((((hugs))))
thank you Jerry, that makes perfect sense but i don't know how to even start to put it into practice. My s-i-l would not entertain the idea of al anon - i have broached the subject a number of times but she insists that the idea of leaving her father to fend for himself is inhumane, my husband might do this but i don't want to put another bridge between them. i am tempted to start by myself
Welcome here, anyone affected by another person's drinking is qualified to be here. You can learn new ways of living and tools to deal with the things that happen. Thanks for your post!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I have often found that others have said it best..... "Example is the best precept" Aesop
Consider going to a meeting on your own and make a decision as to whether or not Alanon is right for you. Let the others follow should they have an interest.
I got a lot out of what you shared tonight especially the second paragraph. Alanon has a third tradition which states ..."the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." It seems as though your circumstances fit the bill. I think you will find the answers you are looking for in the face to face meetings.
Glad to have you... Al-Anon is for those that "Know someone that is an Alcoholic, weather it be a Person that you live with or just Know" So You are in the Right Place :0) 
