The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
but he says no...if you were faced with the same situation in a relationship how did they finally see that they indeed had a problem?
He was so angry and distant all of the time....that I moved out to give him space and hope he would relize what he was missing but I have heard that he will need to hit "rock bottom" before he sees what he is missing and that he had a problem.
What you have heard about "rock bottom" is essentially correct: most alcoholics do not admit their drinking is a problem until they have experienced a whole lot of negative consequences (health issues, family breakdown, job loss, DUIs, etc) because of it. How many consequences it takes to get the point across varies from individual to individual -- there's no magic number. I met one alcoholic once who had drunk to the point of severe alcohol poisoning, was pronounced dead on arrival at hospital and later revived, who told me this story then calmly announced that he didn't think he'd hit rock bottom yet.
Most alcoholics will deny that their drinking is a problem until they hit that bottom; the disease acts to protect and maintain itself.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The alcoholic has to want to change before any change can take place. What you can do is change the way YOU think, feel and react to his behaviour, and Al-Anon is the program that will give you the skills and tools to accomplish that.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I'll share just a little of my own experience with you:
I was married to my ex-alcoholic husband (ex-AH) for 36 years. I think it was about the last 17 years that I realized he had a problem with alcohol. Through those years, I tried different ways to get him to admit that alcohol was causing us some major discord. I even, like you, moved out into an apartment in order for him to see what he is missing (living with me). All he did at that time was drink more! I did more to try to get hime to stop, but will not go into it. You can read all the classic strategies (manipulative actions) that others like us have used to get the alcoholic to stop drinking or using.
In my experience, NOTHING worked to make him change his ways (stop drinking). After 2 DUIs within 3-year span, and 2 thirty-day rehab stays, our divorce, loss of his good-playing job/forced to retire, loss of driver's license for a year, loss of home he, himself, built, etc. he continues to drink. I don't know what his "rock bottom" is. Death?
After the divorce, I went to Al-Anon meetings. Meetings for me began when I discovered that I still had a lot of emotional baggage that I didn't know what to do with, even though I have had private counseling for the past 17 years.
In hindsight, I would have gone straight to meetings the first sign of a problem.
Meetings can be a little awkward for most at first. Some have problems because they aren't religious and at meetings many speak of their "higher powers." Do not let that discourage. If you do decide, realize that you might feel uncomfortable at first, and might be a little annoyed about what some share. (one newcomer recently shared with the group that she thought we were all selfish because we spoke of how we are taking care of ourselves and not trying to help our alcoholics. Unfortunately, she hasn't returned yet, at least to our group. If she had, she would learn why we are focusing on ourselves. But ya gotta keep coming back to understand.) No one is going to "get it" in one meeting.
Al-Anon has a slogan that goes like this: Take what you like and leave the rest. Truly you can take what you like, even if it can only fill a thimble for the time being. I have witnessed some members not participate when we say The Serenity Prayer and no one, I mean no one, has a problem with it. You will find that most, if not all members who have been attending for a while are very open minded and will absolutely not judge you.
The book "Getting Them Sober, Volume 1" is an excellent way to get going on some self-help. It's about $10 new and can be far less if ordered online as used.
Sorry, I was a little long-winded! Keep coming back to this board and reading old posts. Very helpful! Great people on this board!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I agree with what has already been said about rock bottom. When the pain of continuing to drink is greater than the pain of making a change, the alcoholic may choose to get sober. This is rock bottom. However, there is no way to know when that will happen or what it will take.
My ex alcoholic husband wouldn't admit he had a problem for years. After I decided that I'd had enough of the legal trouble, the financial trouble, the emotional abuse, the sleep deprivation from worrying where he was all night, etc., I left (well, to put it more accurately, I became the biggest pain in the butt on the planet so that he would make the decision to leave me ... I couldn't make the decision to leave because I felt too guilty). After we split, he decided that maybe his drinking was a problem. He only went to a couple of meetings, and then he decided that AA was not for him. He's had 2 DWI's, countless arrests and citations, never has any money, and lost his family. But none of that was enough pain, apparently, because he's still drinking. Even though he's not my husband anymore, I pray that he will hit rock bottom someday and be able to seek recovery for himself. I have learned that nothing I did or didn't do could get him sober - but if I got out of the way and let him experience some consequences, he might have a better chance. It wasn't my job to fix him, though.
Luckily, whether or not someone else classifies themselves as an alcoholic (in my opinion, only the alcoholic can decide if he or she is an alcoholic ... I do not believe that I have the right to classify someone else), help is available for anyone who is bothered by someone else's drinking. If you are bothered by his drinking, you qualify for Al-Anon - regardless of whether he ever admits that he has a problem or decides that he is an alcoholic. I encourage you to find face to face meetings in your area. The meetings have saved my life. We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as few others can.
Welcome again, and keep coming back!
Summer
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Monday 16th of May 2011 12:10:33 PM
Going to face to face, real time alanon meetings and learning to listen and learning about me has helped me. I belong in meetings. This board is helpful, and the real meetings are where the healing begins. I have been told here that I need to go to meetings, get a sponsor and do the step work. That is my mission now, to turn my attention to me. My bf drinks and I can keep my focus on me. I am learning that I can be happy no matter if he drinks or not. I am learning to do the next right thing for me. Take care!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Aloha AD and welcome to the board!! In Al-Anon the qualification that "if you have a problem with his drinking" you can come in take a seat and learn what we learn and do what we do for our own happiness and sanity. The alcoholic commands soooo much attention and energy even for more than one person. I learned I also had to reach a bottom so I could stop trying to control and fix the life of any other person including the alcoholics I had special attraction for. Talk about the wrong career!
Anyhow you're here...stick around and keep coming back and check out the suggestion about going to open face to face Al-Anon meetings. That is one that we know from experience that works best. You can find the meeting places and times where we get together in the white pages of your local telephone book under Al-Anon. (((hugs)))
I think the best answer for me was to go to a few Alanon meetings to see what I could learn about alcoholism. I understand now that alcoholism is a self identifiable disease. Whether or not I think someone is an alcoholic did not make a difference for my loved one. When I attended face to face meetings in Alanon, I was found the answers I was looking for. I do so hope you consider going if you have not been.
