"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Aimee · Veteran Member

temper tantrum terrible-two style

ythannah · Senior Member

I hear ya.

Sometimes I can't help thinking it's a bit unfair that ABF seems to get a "free pass" to behave badly and shirk all his responsibilities because of his disease, while the rest of us just plod along doing all the day to day stuff around him.

His best friend (who often puts in 18 hour days) and I were venting about this the other day, saying "Wouldn't you just love to check out of your job for 10 days, on a whim??"

*sigh* Resentment! *sigh* Definitely something for me to work on there -- after my tantrum. aww

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Well hey, I HAVE thrown a hissy fit or three and believe me, it felt GOOD! There was one time I was so frustrated and angry while making dinner that I threw the frying pan out into the yard. Other times when I just have to ¨let go¨ I go out by my potting bench and throw pots and tools around (making sure no one is nearby to get hit - or witness my behavior, lol)) and yell my head off. Maybe that's acting like a two year old, but there are times when I just have to get the emotions out and I'd rather do it that way than blow up at my ah.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Aimee: I understand the wanting to throw a tantrum. I do.

Your sponsor will help you through this phase. You'll feel so much better in the long run.

Have faith and patience.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Aimee!!! Where does it say we cannot get mad and let it out! Of course you need to let it out!

I would go somewhere no one could see or hear and do exactly what you described.

WHO SAID they have an excuse!!!!! There is NO excuse A or not! Cheating has zero to do with being an addict! It is not a symptom of being an addict either.

A cheater cheats because they are a cheater! Some A's commit robbery that is not a part of being an addict either, they are a robber!

You have every right to give it to him! I would stick to the issue, not put him down. The fact is cheating is HORRIBLY painful on us! How dare they put us in jeopardy. How dare they break their vows.

He feels guilty? Wow good for him. He should. I believe in tough love very much. We do not have to protect their feelings! We have every right to share the pain it caused.

We did not do it, we cannot stop it. If we don't let it out, feel the pain we will never learn how to get over it!

I was so mad at my AH. I asked him why could you not have waited till we were divorced! Now you are an adulterer! Not only did he tear my guts out, he hurt the creator my HP. Bible is clear he hates adultery.

On Sesame Street a goat taught me it's not Baaaaaaaaad to get mad! I have remembered that over 30 years. My Mother did not let her anger out and ended up with ulcers. Soon as she left Daddy years later they finally healed.

(yes I know ulcers are caused by bacteria, he resistance was down from all the pain)

A's have no excuse for doing anything they do! Sure they are sick, the disease helps them to make bad decisions. BUT there are plenty of very nice A's even using ones who are still moral as they can be.

When my AH finally cheated, and I realized all his lies and manipulation, I faced he no longer had any love for me at all. So it was easier to leave, and easier to never go back.

I looked at my own strengths. When A messed up it was not my problem, not my inventory. My part was dealing with ME and my feelings. Heck with his. His consequences were his own.

Plus once a cheater.....I would never put myself in a position for his behavior to kill me with an STD. My friends son got a couple horrible diseases from a cheating A. not curable!

So love,debilyn handing you a pillow to scream into and clobber. May I add when you are done getting it out, handing you some nice tea and a great vegie sandwich and cheesecake for dessert.

Then we watch The Big Lebowski and laugh till we cry!

hugs

Otie · Senior Member

Dear aimee, reading your post, I am reminded of a number of shows which Dr. Phil has done with couples where infidelity was the issue. This same issue of the betrayed one not getting over the anger came up each time. The husband (the one who strayed) seemed to think that the wife was using it as a weapon, and that, after an apology, she should leave it in the past.

Dr Phil was adamant that the marriage could not be healed or continue in a healthy way until the husband gave evidence that he really "got" how much pain he had caused and communicated this fact back to the wife in a way that she could really believe him. The wife was encouraged to tell the husband about the depth of the pain in graphic detail--and he was not allowed to defend himself while she talked. The husband needed to demonstrate genuine remorse and actively contribute to the healing process before trust or forgiveness could be expected. No getting out of jail pass with a simple "mea culpa".

It sounds to me like your A is licking his own wounds more than trying to help heal your wounded heart. It may take much more action on his part until you can find comfort in this area. Have you considered the two of you seeking couples counseling to process through this? Also, I am wondering what you (and he) would blame the infidelity on if he had never taken a drink?

You have my sincere empathy. Who wouldn't be wounded and angry by infidelity? To me, I think anger is a natural and expected reaction to such pain and NOT a character defect.

Respectfully, Otie

-- Edited by Otie on Monday 16th of May 2011 12:41:30 PM

Aimee · Veteran Member

Thank you guys, everyone, for your responses. It's so good to know I'm not alone. :)

I'm so confused because I have been heard so many times that A's cheat because they are trying to fill that "hole in the soul". When I first found out about the infidelity it was two one-night-stands that happened during his relapse this past winter. I was very hurt when I learned this but my AH had already started working on his recovery and after some time past I felt like everything was going to be ok. I felt like I could forgive him for it because he was drunk when it happened and "sick". Then I started my recovery, got a sponsor, and began working the steps. I felt pretty great!

Next thing I know I find out about another affair that happened at the beginning of our marriage. This was a real affair with a coworker that went on for a while. At this point we had one daughter, pregnant with the next and we were planning our wedding. This was also after he had gone to rehab so it was during his "dry period" , no AA or recovery program (which lasted our entire 12 years of marriage up until last winter when he relapsed.) So he wasn't drunk for this one, but he was a dry drunk for sure. Just knowing that being drunk wasn't an excuse for this one (and although he won't tell me any more specifics about other infidelities he has let on there were others) it makes it so hard to forgive!!!

Thank you guys for giving me permission to be mad. I need to give myself permission to feel this right now. I've done steps 4,5,6&7 and I guess I kind of felt like this stuff was on my resentments and fears and I supposedly "let it go" in 6 & 7 but it's still there. And I don't know exactly what I am letting go because he won't confess to me all of his cheating so how can I even let it go when I don't even know what I'm dealing with? He keeps saying " why do you want more pain?" And I guess he has a point. I do but I don't, ya know?

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble on. Now I'm going to go back to beating up my pillow :)

~Aimee

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Isn't that why they invented pillows?? Go take it out on a pillow, and beat the living daylights out of the poor thing..... Sometimes punching a pillow can be very therapeutic!!!

Your post reminded me of a great quote: "Thinking that life will treat me fairly because I am a nice person, is akin to thinking the lion won't eat me because I am a vegetarian"....

In all seriousness - we always have a "right" to both our feelings, AND to express those feelings.... I think the key is - what is healthiest for you..... Who knows, maybe the pillow will do the trick - I know it DID help me!

Tom

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You might not have lost control verbally and I wonder what your body language is saying...LOL Not accusing cause If I was within 10 feet of you right now I's say, "Let's go tantrum!!" I'll take the floor and you can have the carpet or sofa. The floor is harder and more dramatic...I Win!! I learned how to tantrum during recovery...just like a terrible 2's child. I'd spend maybe 20 seconds on a good one and then straighten my self up and walk away like nothing happened. It works and I'm good at it. I've demo'ed tantrums at meetings just so other members feel that it's okay and not sick, ugly, crazy or something they can't do when it needs doing. Course...when I'm done with it...I'm done with it. Let's move on to the ice cream and cherry pie cause we're good...we deserve it...self love caps off a great tantrum. Wanna? (((((Aimee))))) smile

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember my sponsor saying something like if you feel like screaming, go into your bedroom lock the door. Get a big pillow from your bed and close yourself in your closet and scream into the pillow at the top of your lungs until you feel better.

I thought she was crazy. I found out it wasn't such a bad idea because it released quite a bit of emotion and frustration.

Take what you like, leave the rest.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"