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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> To help or not - what would you do?
Post Info TOPIC: To help or not - what would you do?
likemyheart


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To help or not - what would you do?
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My dilemma - my ah has, for the last two weeks, been an a** - blasting me with hateful texts and horrible words, mean voicemails, arguements, goading me, taunting, etc. I found out he was drinking of course and, like all drinking bouts, his behavior follows a certain pattern of behavior. This morning, after pressing me for the last few days as to when I will get him the divorce papers (don't know if its his way of testing to see how far he can push me or what) I said I had them ready and was going to mail them to him tomorrow c/o general delivery - he countered with a few options to control the issue.

Then this afternoon I get it - the usual, at the end of an episode texts saying, my chest hurts, it hurts so bad, its never been this bad before, feels like a truck sitting on his chest. I responded to the first with just "I'm sorry" and haven't responded to the others because #1 he suffers from anxiety and the symptoms of anxiety mirror heart problems to some extent, he has a defective valve which would make him short of breath, but not cause intense pain at the current mild condition stage; he has had a few episodes of anxiety though denies he has it because "he has a heart defect, the doctor said so!"

Times like this are really hard - if i try to help, he turns around and stings me; we have no insurance and don't need the added debt of an ER visit only to find out its anxiety again, (brought on by him being perhaps, subconsciously upset iwth himself over what he is doing to himself and me???) If I bring up the no insurance bit, he blasts me with caring about money over him - nice to know his life has a price tag..... If I do nothing, as I am right now, I will hear about how cold and heartless I am later i'm sure. Of course he doesn't know my point of view - that it is always intensely about HIM - when he is sick (often) he's really sick, when anyone else isn't well, they are hypochondriacs, (pretty funny if it weren't so sad) I guess I'm sitting here thinking what if? what if he really is having a heart attack and what if he dies? Reading what I've just written, I know that no matter what I do it isn't going to be the right thing, he will find something wrong with whatever I do or don't do - so, I'm going to do nothing.

Anyone else go through this sort of thing?

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Jennifer


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Hello Heart,

I called 911 one time and never heard another complaint or suicidal threat again. My exAH used things like this to get the focus back on him when my mind strayed too far away. It worked really well for a long long long time.

What others think of me is none of my business ... it actually made alot more sense to me after I had some experience of making my decisions based on what was best for me for whatever reason. It could be best because it stopped the ranting or because it was what a "normal" person would do or because it was what I could or could not live with. But once it was decided to be the best decision for me, others opinions or dislikes did not matter as much anymore.

Jen

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White Rabbit


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This isn't advice - just the first thing that came to my mind. From the way I read it, he's perfectly capable of sending lots of text messages while he's not feeling well. That would suggest to me that he is also capable of getting help for himself if he feels it is necessary.

Again, not advice - and I'm not you, and I am not walking in your shoes. Just saying that if someone is capable of doing for themselves, I've learned that trying to fix is not a good idea for me. It helps keep me sick.

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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
flopadopilus


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Great ESH already given. Sending you thoughts and prayers and keep taking care of you!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

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Debilyn


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Dear does he live with you? I would find out if you are liable for his med bills in your state if you do not sign for them.

I was not responsible for any of my A's. I would find out if getting a legal separation will stop any kind of legal action coming to you for his actions.

Those fees for it can be waived.

YES my AH was a mess well ex. Is a mess. We do not know when or why they will die anymore than anyone else hon! My A has done so many drugs, so much at a time, been zapped back a couple times,has had a brain surgery, has cancer, has a bad liver and still ticks on! He is fifty nine!

NOTHING you do will do anything to him! NOTHING.

His behavior is typical. He is afraid he really is going to lose you and using ever card of manipulation he can! I mean the disease is doing this.

Lies and more lies. If he is so concerned about his health he would not be using. Plus he would be doing things to make himself better.

Remember the disease makes us sick. We get confused, can see the truth or reality! So we come here and we tell you! (c: or you tell me!

What I did was get a divorce when I really knew I was ready. I have NO regrets about that. I have no regrets for loving me more than loving and being addicted to his disease bolony.I was free as he commited adultery.

I can tell you are very bright and caring. I would invite you to turn that inward.

And yes everything about them is always more important than us. I am disabled, he is worse. I had to have a surgery, he goes to his aunts funeral instead of supporting me. Mind you I slept on the floor by his bed when he was recovering from brain surgery.

If I took a nap, he would pace around. He never put me down to my face but did to others. he was always going to burn the house down, leave, go shoot someone, etc.

I look back now and what a trip. My life is so mellow, clean, hardly any stress,I am loved, treated kindly, helped.My dogs are not afraid.big sigh there.

I lost NOTHING from having him go. I almost lost everything when he with his disease was here.

Hugs hon,debilyn



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Jerry F


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Aloha LMH...I like what Jen shared because I do that...If I'm not the doctor or the pro then I can't fix the problem...call someone who can.  If he's got a phone and can put the three numbers into the right sequence and hit the call or send button then you don't even have to do that much.  If he didn't have you to call who else would he?....  Course there has got to be alot of reprogramming for them to get to that level of responsibility.  If the disease can make you feel bad about yourself it can kill you also.   Keep following thru on what works for you and ends up with you feeling happy.   Keep coming back   (((((hugs))))) smile



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likemyheart


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Well, I followed my "when in doubt, do nothing" instinct - didn't text or call or worry - well, i did worry a little because I don't want him dead - anyway, got a text this morning with a PO Box number I can send the divorce papers to, so I know he lived through the episode. Nothing more, and that's good, but I know that eventually he will blast me with how uncaring I am - hopefully I will just hang up, not play the game, join the fight. Anyway - he lived - in case anyone wanted to know.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
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