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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> After a brief and fantastic reconciliation, things collapsed to new proportions...
Post Info TOPIC: After a brief and fantastic reconciliation, things collapsed to new proportions...
Rora


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After a brief and fantastic reconciliation, things collapsed to new proportions...
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After a 2.5 yr separation, my exaH and I recently tried on a short reconciliation after his 3 months in rehab.  I really thought a miracle had taken place.  We were communicating.  We were sifting through all the hurts, all the fear, all the damage.  We were understanding of each others places.  It was amazing.  I was falling in love with him again, with our life, with our family.  I love him so much.  We were on an amazing path...

Then all of a sudden, on Wed he believes he found incriminating evidence on the computer that have him convinced that I am being unfaithful to him and that I have a montage of men in my life.  And the chaos like I've never experienced before ensued. 

After 3 days of berating texts and emails, intermixed with sexual invitations and expressions of his undying love for me and our family I reached a point last night where I was really concerned about what his capabilities might be.  I got myself scared.  He was so irrational with what he was "saying" in these emails and texts~ literally going from a sexual advance, to name calling, to telling me he loved me.  He was never threatening and he has never been violent~ but he was so incredibly erratic, and my mind started to get worried about what he might come up with next.  I asked him to stop it over the 3 days and I reached a point last night where I told him if it continued, I would call the police.

It continued and I called his rehab facility, where I was supported in calling the police to ask for help in making him stop.  I spoke to the police officer who said that they would visit him and advise him to stop contacting me for any reason other than to discuss our son.  I was also told that Childrens Aid would be contacted because we have a minor child.  The officer told me they would call and let me know what happened with the visit.  I have not heard anything from the police today.  The exaH contacted me this morning via text twice, it was the same connotations from the 3 days before~ but then sent one deciding that he was going to stop this and I could contact him about our son, if needed.  It seems that he arrived at his own accord finally, to knock it off.  I haven't heard from him all day.

I don't know if the police visited him, but the goal of stopping the insane emails and text has been achieved.  But not without some scars.  I have this knot in my stomach today that I did something dreadfully wrong.  I feel scared about the police being involved now and that it somehow turned into a concern for the safety of my son. I am a good Mom and I don't have anything to hide.  But I feel so vulnerable.  I don't want this crazy life.  I just want peace.  And a normal happy loving life. 

I am also so sad that I have lost exaH all over again.  I feel so sad for my son.  I feel so sad for exaH because he is so unwell, physically and emotionally.  And I feel so sad for me, because this is just so not what I believe life and family and my son's childhood should be about.  It's all just such a mess.

I love my exaH.  I learned this through our reconciliation, that I do indeed really love him.  The nice him.  The kind him.  The funny him.  The sweet him.  The understanding and patient and fun him.  The caring him.  I love THAT him so much.  And then there is the diseased him that I fear and that makes me sad and hurt and worried about all the time.  I thought he was going to make it.  I saw changes in him.  I heard them.  I shared them.  And then, alcoholism reared its ugly head and took him from me again so violently, so viciously, ... so unfairly. 

And now, I am torn and tattered and I have so much fear about what it all means from here.  I need your esh please. 



-- Edited by Rora on Sunday 15th of May 2011 03:55:04 PM

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likemyheart


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OH Rora, I read you loud and clear - the periods of sanity and love that return in between the times of insanity leave you reeling, your brain and emotions whirling and all of it making you think you are/were insanely imagining the good behavior or the bad behavior - its so truly crazy making. I'm reading a book called the Verbally Abusive relationship that explains his behavior but doesn't give any advice on dealing with it (yet, halfway through the book, it seems to be about defining the condition). My H's whirlwinds leave me so sad and lonely and confused and torn asunder - his latest one that seems almost over for now, is ending with the typical - "my chest hurts so bad, i'm in so much pain" (anxiety me thinks) - this time I just responded with "I'm sorry". not sure what I'll say if he says more but what I want to say is: don't you have party friends who can help you?

Torn asunder - just wrote that and am thinking it is the perfect way to describe how each episode feels, the havoc it wrecks on my sanity and life. Like having a tornado rampage through every so often - no real warning, lulled in only to be torn asunder again. I'm sorry.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Mattie


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Oh Rora, this sounds so distressing and painful.  I don't know if your ex is an off-kilter dry drunk or has brain damage from the drinking or has started drinking again.  It sounds as if any of them is possible.  Whichever it is, I am so glad that you took action and got help to keep yourself safe. So often we think "It's only him" and don't get a real perspective on how insane the behavior has become. I'm glad you didn't dismiss his actions.

But it's so painful when we get a glimpse of the pre-alcoholic that we loved, and then realize that the alcoholic has taken over his body.

Tragically, most people do not stay sober after rehab. It sounds as if you are feeling the terrible effects of that truth.

Keep on taking care of yourself. I hope you have some meetings nearby? And remember that we're always here.  Hugs.



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White Rabbit


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Oh wow, Rora, I'm so very sorry.  I can feel the pain in your post.  :(

I don't have any advice or words of wisdom, but I will pray for you and your family.  First things first - keep doing the next right thing for you.

Prayers,

Summer



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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
GailMichelle


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Hi Rora:

Heartbreaking post!  Regardless, take care of yourself!



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
danielle0516


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(((((Rora))))) I wish I had some magical words for you. I can just feel the sadness in your post, I'm sorry things went that way for you. I understand the pain of seeing the man you fell in love with then to have him ripped away from you again, over and over..it's heartbreaking. I'll be thinking of you.

Take care,
Danielle

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Debilyn


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Rora, I had years and he went bonkers again.

It is horrible when they relapse,horrible!!

I can tell you my way was to keep so busy I was exausted. I did things even when I did not feel like it. I prayed and prayed.

Took naps, went to my friends houses even if I just sat. Just to be around people.

If I had a child I would keep them busy. Read to them and me! I know nothing sounds good or feels good. I had to push me. over time, things lightened up. OH go to meetings of course, come here. I don't know what the chat room is like anymore but that group back then saved my life.

I ate simple, drank lots of water. That stress will zap you! Bring flowers into the house, plant them outside even if all ya have is a ledge! Feed the birds. I brought life in. Would bring me one pot of a flower. At the time I forced myself.But when I opened my eyes and saw in in the morn,made me feel better.

The Earth goes on, if man was not so stupid ruining it, it does repair itself! We are made to repair ourselves. Nothing stays the same. If you are religious at all, for me feeding my spirit was the key!

I hope to see you more here. You know how much we really care. I can spot a phoney a mile away. I have not seen many here at MIP in all my years here.

Putting out popcorn so you know your way back! Well better use marbles as the birds and chipmunk will get the p corn! hugs,debilyn



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Rora


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thanks to all of you who took the time to read and post a reply.  That in and of itself makes me feel like I am not so alone.  The sadness I feel is almost like nothing i've ever experienced before.  Thank you for the recommendations of self care ~ i need those reminders. 

Rora



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Sweet Stanley


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(((Rora)))  I am so sorry. I read your post and the memories came flooding back.  no

It seems so cruel to "get them back" and you start to have hope and then it is snatched away again. Take care of you. Use this program. It is hard to think of going on when your world is crumbling all around you.  Remember the saying.. "Fake it, until you make it." As hard as it sounds, you will make it, and it will eventually get easier.  Thinking of you...



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Sweet Stanley
pinkchip


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3 months sober is not going to make him a new man...rehab or not. He has much to learn and you will see bursts of great change in him followed by what seems to be steps backward (and that's if he doesn't relapse). Give him a year sober...practice detachment and then assess the situation then.

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parfait624


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Rora, this post made me cry. It reminded me of the beautiful six months I had up until christmas. We had a year and a half off and then he came back steps worked. Then something happened and it all came crumbling down. It is so hard and I can't even imagine having children involved. I always say love is blind and the unfortunate about that is addiction is invisible put the two together chaos. But the heart wants what it wants. Praying for you.

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tommyecat


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Rora, my heart aches for you. I will keep you in my prayers. {{{HUGS}}} tc

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