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If you didn't see my last post, my fiance and I have a 2 month old daughter. People have told us, "It's ok to let her cry sometimes." Yes, I know that but he takes it as every time. I have to ask him, "Could you pick her up? Could you make her a bottle? Could you give her the pacifier?" I just feel like I'm the one taking initiative all the time so I ask if he'll do it... but I feel like I shouldn't have to ask all the time.
This afternoon I was feeding her and he said, "Hurry up and finish eating so we can smoke." I understood that he was just telling me he wanted to smoke but she had just started eating, she wasn't going to be done for 15-20 minutes. It triggered all those other things I said above so I said to him, "She's priority. If she needs to eat, she eats before we smoke. If she's crying, we try to figure out what's wrong before we go on doing whatever we want." He just kept saying, "She's allowed to cry, it doesn't always mean something's wrong" No, it doesn't but it's every single time she cries that he says to just let her go instead of trying to figure out what's wrong. Maybe she has a dirty diaper, maybe she's hungry a little early, maybe she just wants a little attention...
He takes things people say to him way to literally and when I tell him it's wrong to let her just cry all the time he takes it as me saying he's a bad father and flips out. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells so that he doesn't freak out and go drink. Like I can never tell him he's done something wrong so that next time he does it better... he doesn't see it that way. To him, criticism is criticism, there is no constructive criticism.
I don't know what i'm supposed to do. The only option seems to be just to deal with the way he does things and have to do it all myself until he wants to?
Mar - I disagree with those people who say its ok to let them cry - mothers in some cultures carry the kid with them at all times in the first year so the child never (or barely) has to cry - do we like crying? what does it do to us physically when we cry? Crying is a baby's only way of letting you know something is wrong. I was fortunate to not have colicky babies, didn't have to suffer through that and its certainly better to leave them in the crib to cry if you are feeling overwhelmed with all the stresses of new motherhood - but ordinary crying that can be so quickly soothed with attention to the baby's need shouldn't be ignored, you'll have a much happier baby in the long run.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
One of the biggest gifts AlAnon had given me is the ability to be in my own reality. Instead of reacting to my exAH and taking the focus off of him and placing it on my needs, beliefs and goals I have been able to let go of many expectations, resentments and find serentiy.
In my experience I have noticed that if people want a certain thing they will find evidence to support their decision and ignore evidence that does not support their decision. Especially an addictive personaltiy. Just like almost every other situation in life it is impossible to change another person by our own sheer will
But we also do not have to buy into that reality. Our focus is best spent on using our energy taking care of ourselves and children instead of all those other not so fun options ... and on that note remember JADE, do not have to justify, argue, defend or explain why you want to do things the way you want to. Neither does anyone else.
I do not have children but I have watched my friends and family as first time moms be badgered bullied and confused into raising and responding to their children in a hundred different ways to please other people. I do understand why people think that letting a baby cry at times is the best option. But I also know that responding to a baby who is crying is the foundation of building a secure attachment and trust between parent and child, both of which affects a child throughout life. The fact is you are her mom and right now are facing the first of many difficult decisions about your child. Take time to find YOU and your reality in all this and then JADE it.
hi mar, i know what youre dealing with. my ah and i have a 10 month old daughter. the first 6 months were really really hard, &stressful and i was so full of resentment. every time she cried, he'd either leave her till i went to get her, or if he happened to be holding her, he'd pass her to me saying "she's hungry, she wants you" without even trying to soothe her. it helped to have a few moms to talk to (even though mine was the only A, we all seemed to be wanting to wring their necks at lack of support/initiative). we tried to not dad-bash too much, it doesnt do any good, but knowing i wasnt alone in it was really important for me.
i just found that i pretended to be a single mom & then anything extra that got done i was grateful for. and any moments when i found them bonding were that much more special, as i wasnt rolling my eyes anymore thinking "finally he's taking some interest." now at 10 mo, she is totally daddy's girl, but still needs me if she's upset.
and im new to this alanon stuff too, but remember, nothing you say, do, dont do will make him drink. that is his disease. ive just made it my business to make sure my daughters needs are met & that she lives in a clean home (cause I Deserve a clean home too!). please try to take joy in being with your little one, it realllllly goes by fast. it feels like i still just gave birth, and it was almost a year ago!
Newborns are tricky. I have two babes of my own and I remember the experience with first one was just as you described. My husband had no idea what to do with the baby. It had only been a few days after we were home from the hospital and he said, "so, when does he start doing some cool stuff"? To which I replied, well, at six months if we are lucky, he may roll over. I laugh about it now, but it seems like dog years while you are going through this experience. It does seem never ending, especially when they are sick and up all night.
Anytime I would ask something of him he would think I was being bossy. There is hope though. When the second one came around, he had his stride down and was so much more helpful. It does get better. However, it is a slow start, and a rough beginning. This too Shall Pass.
Don't get me wrong, he's a great dad... when he responds to her or I ask him to do something. Recently, he's been spending a lot of his time on a forum much like this one but for alcoholics for support. I'm very grateful he's doing that but he seems to get lost in it and doesn't even hear me sometimes. I guess I do have to rid myself of expectations and just be 100% grateful he's getting support he needs for now. Thanks, everyone :)
P.S. just to clarify, I dont let her scream her head off, haha. If she's just fuss crying, as I've done everything I can to soothe her already, I do leave her be for a few minutes because I know she's just tired.
I had two children and when they were newborns, I was nursing them, so it was mainly me that could do for them what they wanted...however, I would make sure that their dad would change the diaper, the clothes, do the bath etc, as much as possible to give me a little time to be an adult and for the dad to be the dad. I did the attachment parenting thing and went to La Leche League meetings inorder to get support. I also went to mom's groups and play groups. Being in touch with other mom's that had babies too really helped me look at things differently. Take care of you :) And keep coming back :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
