taking some action - Al-Anon Family Group

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

taking some action

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel for you in this situation. It's very difficult.

I'm wondering how effective confronting this woman might be. I'm worried that if she were the kind of person who had the capacity to be responsible, she wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. My experience is that people who are sunk in their addictions or dysfunctions become defensive, angry, and hostile when confronted. That would be a worrisome situation -- upsetting to you as well as unproductive. Your own serenity is the most important thing, always. I can well imagine her saying "Get out of my business" and "If you can't control your son, don't expect me to." Because it seems clear to me, from what you describe, that you're the one most concerned for your son's welfare. If she could be responsible, she wouldn't be doing these things. It's hard to know what's going on with that family -- the things you say sound very worrisome -- but we all know how hard it is to change people's actions even when we're their nearest and dearest. (I guess "how hard" isn't accurate -- I guess "impossible" would be more accurate.)

Is there a boundary you can set, for you or your son, that would be enforceable?

It's not that I have answers for this situation, even if we were supposed to be giving advice on these boards, which we're not. It seems very difficult to me. All I can say is, Keep on taking good care of yourself. I hope others will have helpful insights to add.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Loupiness,

I don't have any experience in this area. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your struggles and support you with the love of the MIP fellowship.

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
tc

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lou

This is a very tricky situation and I agree with Mattie on this. There is nothing to prevent her from becoming confrontational right back and then nothing is solved.

I lean toward "talking things over, reasoning things out" like the alanon closing suggests.

Go over or call, state your concerns, fears, suspicions etc in a calm reasonable manner, keep an open mind, listen to her statements-say what you need, thank her for her time and then leave.

Depending on her responses I would then move to my next action Call police , discus with son etc.

Good luck

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Lou...this is courage at work...Yay. Make sure it is a response and not a reaction which the difference is in the "thought" process. Check out the consequence you want and then do the deed. Police? Support? Support is good. ((((hugs)))) for all involved. Oh and for sure make sure your HP is with you. smile

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the responses. After talking with my exAH, we came to the conclusion that any discussion would be pointless. She most likely will lie and get beligerant, and end up just being more covert in her actions. Also, noo doubt the interaction would be shared with my son and daughter, and just create social issues for an unproductive purpose.

So, I phoned my brother, a police officer, and he supported just calling the police and giving an anonymous tip with the suspicions. He believes the risk of a kids getting hurt is worth the lack of absolute hard evidence. Not sure why this scares me, but I do think it is necessary. At least I will know I did my part. Also, something interesting he said... when they break up a party, the yusually do not charge teens unless they are clearly very ill or beligerant, because, sad to say, dealing with the teens is a pain. They have to take them to the hospital and wait until they dry out, and then transport them to juvie. He said they hate dealing with it, and prefer releasing them to their parents whose wrath is often worse than the court system.

Time for me to say a prayer...

Blessings,

Lou

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lou I am so proud of you. Maybe let your momma bear come out when you think of facing her.

I would not say the word you. Remember the I feel. I feel uncomfortable how much time my son spends over here. I feel there is something wrong. He goes over to your house and comes back red eyed and smells like pot. I am concerned.

no threats or anything. I would my intuition high. Listen to what she says.

I agree, when you know the kids are there, and maybe have the girl over, I would call the police and voice my concerns.

you know how tough I am about this stuff. Think of how when he is an adult and will think back how much you guys went thru to take care of him!

I am NOT telling you what to do. Only giving you things to think about.

Then I would bury him until he is 25 or so then dig him back up! (c: These times are soooo hard. But I tell ya it is worth it. I cannot tell you how great my kids are now that they are adults.

huggen ya! deb

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.