You could be right that he's on Vicodin again, or you could be jumping to the wrong conclusion. Either is possible. And there's not really a way to be sure unless you have a way to collect a urine sample without him finding out (not recommending this!).

The only thing you control in this situation is you. Focus on the Serenity Prayer... whether or not he is on Vicodin is one of those things you cannot change.

-- Edited by atheos on Friday 13th of May 2011 10:54:05 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The statistics say that the majority of addicts/alcoholics do not manage to stay off their drug of choice. They do not recover.  That's the reality I wish someone had told me at the beginning.  I kept waiting for my alcoholic to find recovery. I didn't realize that the odds were that it wasn't going to happen.

Like your boyfriend, he made stabs at it. Each time he'd go back to his old ways. Each time I'd wonder if I was paranoid. In the end, when I had figured out a lot more, I realized that not only was he drinking every time I had suspected he was, but he had also been drinking a lot of times when I never suspected. That's the reality of addiction.

As to why they go back -- because they're addicts. That's what being addicted means. They feel an almost irresistible compulsion to do it. Only working a program sincerely and earnestly can make a difference -- but as I've said, even that usually doesn't.

Lying goes with the territory. I'm sure most of us here have said, "If you feel the urge, just tell me. Or if you're drinking/using, just tell me. Then at least I won't feel lied to." And I'd bet pretty much 100% of us have been lied to anyway. The disease protects itself, and one way it does that is through lying. The addiction and the lying go hand-in-hand.

The question I wish someone had said to me is, "What if you knew for certain he would never stop?  What choice would you make then?"

I wish I had gone to Al-Anon a lot sooner. I kept thinking he would stop and so the problem would be solved. I didn't realize that even if he stopped (which didn't happen), I would need a program. Everyone around an addict is affected, and the disease sucks us in and makes us do things we hardly would have recognized. Like the addict, we lose perspective. We start to be a little crazy and we don't even recognize it. We can benefit from recovery too. You've already had experience with this from your parents, so my guess is that you'd find a lot of support and recovery in the rooms of Al-Anon. Read all you can on these boards and learn about addiction. Keep coming back. There are miracles in store.

Welcome!

I experienced that when my AH was out of rehab a few times. In my case, I thought he was drinking because he WAS drinking.  I tried getting him to admit it to me, but of course he wouldn't.  But, as my sponsor puts it, would having him admit the drinking to me have changed anything? It wouldn't have changed the fact that he relaspsed. I already knew in my heart what the truth was. Why did I need affirmation from the addict so badly?

The answer to that question is something that I have been able to uncover in the rooms of Alanon. If you haven't sought out meetings for yourself, I encourage you to do so. Those who live, or have lived, with the problem of addiction understand as few others can. The meetings have saved my life.

We learn that we simply cannot fix someone else. We did not cause addiction, we cannot control it, and we cannot cure it. If someone else wants to drink or use, that is their choice - regardless of whether or not we agree.  My sponsor used to tell me a lot to put away my magnifying glass (stop looking at what HE'S doing) and pick up my mirror instead (look at my own behavior).  I wasn't living my life - I was spending all of my time and energy focusing on HIM and what he was doing and where he was going and whether he was lying.  That is not living.  In the rooms of Alanon, I learned to start living MY life.

Keep coming back! Looking forward to seeing more of you here.


Summer

-- Edited by White Rabbit on Saturday 14th of May 2011 07:49:29 AM

My own ABF will always say when is an alcoholic lying? When his lips are moving....it's totally ironic that he is aware of his own sickness. But it is true in a round about way, they will cover up when they are abusing. It doesn't matter what the addiction of choice is, while my ABF has been sober from alchohol that I am aware of for over three years he refuses to give up his drug of choice which is pot. Naturally he sees no issue with his use of it and is open about it. He also is now addicted to gambling that one he does lie about and is in denial it is a loop whole to the end of his alcohol sobriety. So unfortunatly the struggle is something that will last their lifetime, if it isn't one thing it is another. There are two very important things I have learned in the last five months. One is you have to worry about you first, do things for yourself, stand up for yourself. You have a voice and you are a person with feelings and you are entitled to respect. Two is you have a choice you can remain in a relashionship with some who is sick and realize you will have double the struggle of other relationships. You have to ask yourself is it worth it and are you a strong enough person to work at it every single day for the rest of your life? If not you can heal and move on. Don't put pressure on yourself to make decisions overnight, work your own life out and take your time. I myself still haven't decided to stay or leave....I'm in limbo and I am okay with that. One day at a time one decision at a time.