The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I have a friend who is 41 and has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. She grew up in an abusive household but is now married with children. At first her drinking was kind of social and we all did it. Now, however, it's to the point of her blacking out, losing her memory, driving drunk etc. I have not counted her as a friend for 10years now. The reason being I was visiting her back then and when I told her I was not feeling well due to an infection in my root canal she refused to take me home. I was in the middle of nowhere. I thought her husband would come to his senses but he gave me $20 to take a cab. After that I didn't speak with her anymore because I told her that obviously the drinking is more important than our friendship. Fast forward to last summer-again she came to see my friend and I and she was already drunk and disheveled when we got to the party. She was drinking out of other people's glasses and hiding bottles around the house this was she could drink without anyone seeing her. I was appalled. I was there basically at her request to fix our friendship but it was a disaster. This past weekend she was here again at my friend's house for a communion. She never made it to the church and was passed out cold for the reception. Thank god she didn't make it because she would have ruined the whole thing. My friend whose daughter was getting communed was so upset. She said this woman was walking around the house naked and slurring her words. She looks like she's 80 with all the wrinkles in her face. My friend who she stayed with is upset but not upset enough to call her or write her or her husband a letter. I am angry but I know for us there is no friendship anymore but I want to say something on behalf of my friend who is finally seeing the light. I was berated for years because I was not friends with the alcoholic but now it seems that other people are understanding my decision and are not wanting to be around her anymore. She doesn't think she has a problem and blames everyone else for her "occassional" drinking. She behaves like a 12 year old and when I try and talk to her she forgets what we have just been discussing. She says her husband is very controlling and she can't deal with it. I personally have alcoholism in my family and my brother and I don't speak because he too would rather drink than have a family. Anyway, since I'm new to this I would appreciate any help or advice. I am numb to it at this point but I also want to let her know that she will not be seeing myself or my family unless she gets some help. We're all tried to help her but her husband is an enabler-he threatens to leave with the kids but then wants to talk about it over a drink!!! I cannot believe it. Sorry this is so jumbled. Thank you.
My advice is to go to some meetings and see how you feel. I will tell you al-anon is not going to help you get your friend sober. It may help you to find compassion for your friend. It may help you to understand the disease of alcoholism better by relating to other people who have been affected, but it is not a cure for someone else.
That said, I remember going to my first meeting and having a couple of guys come up to me afterwards and tell me very sincerely how it had saved their lives. In all honesty it scared me away at the time thinking that these guys were hard core religious fanatics. It wasn't until I witnessed my wife committing similar acts to those you describe your friend doing, that I went back (about 6 months later) and realized they weren't religious fanatics, but men who had found a tremendous source of support when they were at their lowest point emotionally.
The only requirement is that you have been affected by someone's drinking. I have learned more emotionally from Al-anon then any other source of support I have been too.
I certainly understand your reluctance for being here. I was quite hesitant of Al-Anon too.
Like DadtoCandE, I felt Al-Anon was full of religious type fanatics, who would try to cram their beliefs down my throat - i.e., brainwash me.
After several years of resistance, I gave face-to-face meetings a try. The first few were very uncomfortable. But I realize uneasiness goes hand in hand with trying something new. I'm glad that I gave the meetings a chance. I'm finding that it's a "take what you like" program. That is, you don't have to buy into all the it offers. You can go at your own speed. It's a program that helps its members grow emotionally - which is ongoing as long as we breathe.
It can also help us understand alcoholism and to nurture compassion towards those who abuse alcohol or other substances. The bad feelings we hold inside in regard to the alocholics in our lives, not only hurts us, but all that we come into contact with. The meetings provide us an opportunity to realize that we (the non-alcoholics) have our shortcomings too and how to overcome them.
I never, ever, EVER thought I'd hang in there with meetings. But like DadtoCandE, the program has given me what 17 years of private counseling could not.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Friday 13th of May 2011 01:12:13 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Aloha Tarmale and welcome to MIP from the Pacific Rim. Your share is "classic" alcoholism and might me last stage or beyond insanity and approaching death. As the others have mentioned from their awareness and experience...You cannot change her or control her drinking and none of us have caused it...She appears late stage alcoholic and what can happen is that you come to understand this disease and how it has affected you in your life. For me the most and best help I received was in the Al-Anon Family groups. I still attend and it still helps because I also was born and raised within the disease and am alcoholic also. Understanding and awareness is very suportive and where once I was driven into insanity because of this disease today I know that I have much better choices as how I respond to life around me and the alcoholics in my life.
I would suggest that you also look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area. It is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area to learn about and help each other live without being taken down by alcoholism. You might also suggest that idea to your friends husband...imagine what he is going thru. You can also suggest MIP as this family is gold in helping others who seek information, help and support.
Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. (((((hugs)))))
I echo what everyone else has said; great sharing today on this topic. I wanted to encourage you as many others have to consider an Alanon meeting. It really has changed my life.
Keep coming back and sharing your story. I really appreciate your courage in doing so.
Alanon might take away some of the anger you have about other people's alcoholism. I think your boundaries are good ones and I wouldn't challenge them. The real reason to go to alanon would just be if you feel your anger towards alcoholism is controlling you or affecting your ability to have relationships that you want.
Thank you all for your replies, it really means alot to me. I guess I'm at the point where I don't care anymore. I told my friend Anna what everyone has told me and we have both decided to keep our distance. It has to come from her and her husband is an enabler so if he doesn't take it seriously then she won't. I'm very upset that she has treated us this way and basically doesn't care about anything but drinking. We're not going to go to Alanon meetings although we would go to AA with her if she wants but she doesn't because she truly doesn't believe that she has a problem. In the end, she is shortening her life and I advised my friend Anna that she might be at the end as we feel her brain is now not working correctly anymore. She is getting a rash all over her body-I asked if her live enzymes were checked and she said yes and everything is fine. She is obviously in denial and we can't be surprised if her husband calls and said she has died. I haven't talked to my own brother in a year because after years of picking him up off the floor , (and my mother too), I've had enough. If he dies, he dies. I can't worry about it anymore. I may sound harsh but I feel as though I've helped everyone for years but it's never appreciated so I'm done. I thank you all again for your help and hopefully she will see the light before it's too late.
