Letting go of resentments - Al-Anon Family Group

Aimee · Veteran Member

Letting go of resentments

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Aimee, I would think it is perfectly natural to think about and wonder like you are. My thought is, for me, I would give it a very long time before I made a decision. I know from experience when I don't know something to wait until I do.

I can share with you my very, very good friends husband made a huge mistake. She was ready to divorce him,both in so much pain. Not only did the situation hurt them, omgosh it hurt everyone around them. Including me,my kids and husband!

We were such good friends.

Anyway they went to counseling. Its been 20 years now.They are still together and so very close. She says it was the best thing to happen to them. Marriage is work. But I tell ya, if you have something worth saving, it's precious. We all make mistakes.

I know too as we get older, we need each other more. We mean more to each other.

I think most marriages people are thinking, geez do I want to be with this person all my life? That is when I would say, take a day at a time.

Sadly I did not get a chance to think about that with my first husband as he was killed when he was drunk.We just don't know what is coming. I can say had I known, I would have worked much harder on our marriage....

hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Aimee...The opposite of resentments for me is forgiveness and I took all the time in the world learning that and then practicing it from many angles and such. The hanger on thoughts and feelings were about fear for me. Fear was my greatest emotional character defect and while early on the program would work me on replacing fear with faith that would work up to and including the last lesson of replacing fear with love...the kinda love HP has for me especially after all of the unacceptable things I did in my life. I found the behaviors unacceptable while HP found me acceptable...separating the person from the behaviors or what we speak of in Al-Anon as separating the person from the disease of alcoholism. Hate the behavior...love the person. I've never met a person who has done this overnight...it has a lot to do with changing self, accepting self, loving self...grace giving and loving as you would want to be loved. It didn't take me overnight and the journey is worth it. Ask your HP what it takes to find and accept you as being loveable and forgiveable and then listen, listen, listen. When we listen...God talks.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Aimee · Veteran Member

Thank you!

Debilyn, I love what you said about if you don't know what to do you wait until you do know. That helps a lot. I really believe we do have something worth saving and I have faith that if I just wait and pray the right thing will become more obvious.

Jerry, I thought I had seperated him and his behaviors from his disease. When I first found out about his cheating it was two one night stands that happened when he was drunk. I came to peace with these because I could see they had nothing to do with me or our marriage. Then I found out about one that happened at the begining of our marriage when he was dry. I'm pretty sure there are others throughout our marriage that happened when he was dry as well. I guess that is where the disconnect happens for me. I can forgive the ones when he was drinking but the ones when he was dry just seem different. I guess I have a lot of praying to do :)

Thanks again :)

-- Edited by Aimee on Friday 13th of May 2011 06:19:17 AM

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to feeling a blanket of forgiveness, only to have my brain recall something specific from the past and now I have a fresh new resentment that can snowball unless I catch it.

I have a thinking problem. If things are going well, I seem to get bored and look for something negative, it's like a habit, lol. Of course, my thoughts are harmless... unless I believe it.

If I stay in the present moment, all is well. If I spend too much time in the past, I can find reason to feel resentful. If I go into the future, I can find reason to be fearful. My problem is ME and my thinking, not anyone else. If I stay in the present moment with no attachment to my sad stories, all feels really good. What I focus on GETS BIGGER.

Can you think of one stress-free reason to keep thinking your thoughts?

I love what Jerry wrote. If we love ourselves, what power does anyone have? We have everything we need, what freedom! The goal is to not NEED my partner, but rather, to just have someone in my life who compliments my journey.

From where I sit, your husband has been a brilliant teacher for you. Be thankful for what you have gained in your life experience... a relationship with Higher power. Some will never get that!! (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 13th of May 2011 09:01:41 AM

ythannah · Senior Member

I really hesitated about responding, because I have a very different view on this.

For me, forgiveness and accepting unacceptable behaviour are two different things. My marriage ended 25 years ago with an act of violence toward me; I left that night and never went back. Although I have forgiven my ex-h for his actions, that doesn't mean I trusted him with my physical safety.

It's up to you to decide what is acceptable to you or not.

On the flip side, my former ABF was unfaithful to me on a few occasions while relapsing. We did split up several times (for that and other reasons) but later reconciled. I processed the cheating -- which is completely unacceptable to me -- by reasoning that we had both come into the relationship in the first place with past partners, and our reconciliation was "starting over anew" complete with a slate of past partners. So, for me, that's what the women he'd cheated with were, just another part of his past and I was okay with moving ahead.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there Aimee, you have already been given great information here. I just wanted to shadow Jerry F in saying I think the opposite of resentment is forgiveness and forgiveness does take time, the importance of seperating the person from their behavior's is hard and realizing the A's that we love are not their disease is a big hurdle for me. I tend to take the lies and all that goes with it so personally, because of my low self worth issues and all that tells me is I have more work to do within myself. My A isn't working a program nor come clean about much, we are divorcing and I have come to terms with nothing changes if nothing changes, so I have decided to get out of his way and change my thinking problems and I have already heard things from him I thought I would never after 15 years, but I don't focus on him and where he is or isn't as much anymore. This is now about my journey and where I am today! I am feeling healthier and stronger and I know things will get better for me as I contiue to work my program and not try to change anyone around me. These are hard lessons learned, but I embrace a learning opportunity these days because my HP has my back. Good for you for being vulnerable and sharing your struggles. It has helped me to read this post, thanks.

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