Struggling with my feelings about myself - Al-Anon Family Group

Freya · Veteran Member

Struggling with my feelings about myself

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

My motto is and was more so a few months back fake it until you make it. I would spend time in the morning with my HP and feel His love surround me, I would go throughout my day trying to remember how much He loves me and show myself that same love. I would go on a walk by myself with uplifting music and slowly I started feeling worthy and deserving of self love. I choose to no longer be a victim to anyone especially myself. Find good things about yourself and promote yourself within yourself! I found out I am funny, caring and smart, not to mention sweet! You have great things within yourself you just have to stop beating yourself up so you can find them.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I can share with you, that once I learned to forgive myself, I could easily forgive others.

My head was full of, you are too fat for anyone to love you, you are not smart enough, you will fail college, you are too quiet to go to parties, whatever.

I went to college, I learned that none of that was true. In fact I learned that all the media bs was pounding in on us. That if someone did not love me for me,I wouldn't want them as a friend anyway.

What I did about negative things in my head was say Stop inside my head or outloud, and put in I am ok just how I am. period. Kept it simple.

Now I am very HP involved,mine is my belief in the creator. How dare I not love and appreciate the person I get to be! My own Father the creator loves me, so how can I dare not.

Hon when we tell ourselves positive things, we come to believe them,and at the same time, we work at being the kind of person WE want to be! I put cute little notes all over my home way back then. Positive affirmations.

Even if you were as bad as you think you were, no matter! What matters is we forgive ourselves and grow where we want to.

You wanting to love you is wonderful! Those lies in your head have got to go! So stop them.It is not easy at first, but will become easier over time. Its like chipping away at a bolder, ya do it long enough, you get thru.

To have a major person in your life treat you thus, of course you believed it and you are hard on yourself and others.

It sounds like you are on the right track, for me I took my power and told that bolony NO stop, I am a very nice person,I love others, I give, I am not critical etc.

I know something for sure in my experience, the more we give the happier we are.To find true happiness that is the key. The more we give the happier we are. And that includes our self. It is not just money or gifts, its telling someone you are noticing that they look nice in that dress. or a kiddo laughing and ya tell their mom or dad how cute they are. Or seeing somenoe smiling, everyone is so beautiful when they smile. Even a toothless, very old wrinkled person, beautiful!

I promise you, if you volunteer somewhere you believe in, help someone who is sick, walk dogs at the shelter or smile at people you will feel better about you.

I like ya already! love,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Freya

Please know that these are old tapes that are not true biggrin . You are on the 8 th Step so Please put yourself on the TOPof the list of people to make amends to. Then begin to do that by refusing to judge yourself and your behavior, going to meetings, living one day at a time and calling your sponser when your ANTS attack. The ants are the Automatic Negative Thoughts that are part of this disease. Under all that negative stuff you will find :your HP,, along with courage, serenity,compassion, self esteem and wisdom. Keep on making amends to yourself.

You are worth it.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes. I have absolutely been there. If I don't take good care, I can be back in that place in a heartbeat. Self-hatred was one of the ways I was the most sick.

I got some insight about this last Halloween, and I was grateful for some time in the program so that I could appreciate that the lesson came from HP. I was at a costume party with my 9-year-old son. Some other kids were making fun of his ninja costume and stole his sword. He left the party feeling pretty dejected. I talked to him in the car on the way home and told him that when people say mean stuff, it's because they don't like themselves. Whatever they criticize in other people is actually their own character defect. I told him that the way the other kids acted had nothing to do with him.

It absolutely broke my heart to see my beautiful little son cry because someone made fun of him. I told him he was a beautiful child of HP, and that HP created him to be just exactly the way he is.

Right after I told him that, the small little voice in my head asked me why that same thing didn't apply to me. I was once a small child that was made fun of, heavily criticized by my stepfather, and verbally abused. If what I'd told my son was true, and I KNEW it was, why was any of the abuse I suffered about me? Why should I believe that it was true, when it had absolutely nothing to do with me or any flaw? Like my son, I was created by HP to be just exactly the way I am. What is so bad about that?

Just my .02. Sometimes my interactions with my children teach me stuff. The more time I have in the program, the less the things I say to them have the whole "do as I say and not as I do" feel. :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is something I struggle with too. I found something interesting on the blog "Mr. SponsorPants" the other day. He said:

The negative voice,

the negative thought,

is not inherently more "realistic" or likely

than the positive voice or thought.

God! Some days that's hard to remember,

other days I remember but it's hard to embrace.

Freya · Veteran Member

Thank you so much for your responses. Just reading what you've written has made a difference, it's given me something to work with, do you know what I mean?

My mirror now has a load of affirmations posted around the edge so that I read them each time I walk past. I've also started keeping a notebook listing each day all the things that helped me feel good that day, and the things other people have done to show they love me. That way my focus is on the positives not the negatives. I also called my sponsor and had a good chat with her about how I was feeling/doing. I liked the idea of ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts), it gave me some breathing space to know that the thoughts are AUTOMATIC so it's going to take time to change them. Thanks Hotrod. I've put myself at the top of my list. I'm off now to read Mr Sponsorpants blog, thanks Mattie.

Thanks Flopadopilus, White rabbit, and Debilynn for your words, they made a real difference to how I was feeling and helped me ease up on myself.

Freya

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Fraya:

From my experience, it seems that when we have begun to make positive changes in our lives, the negative aspects seem to become magnified. There's a saying that goes "what we think on expands." When were facing changes for the good, we often get "ya, but... insert the long held negative belief. Beliefs are just thoughts that have been well practiced. They are resistant. But with practice, we can replaced those negatives with positives.

I'm so glad you are feeling better. Isn't it nice that we can post our feelings and questions on this board and get feedback, understanding and support?

take care, Gail

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

Freya,

I have learned something in the few past months: for each negative thoughts there is a postive one. it works like a mirror. if i feel I am angry at the verbal abuse of my AH i deatch myself from it by thinking of happy thoughts. For me the opposite of anger is happiness so instead of dwelling of the anger i try really hard to focus on the happy moments. Its hard to believe but there is always one, even if its very small. Don't give up!

Freya · Veteran Member

Thanks Gail and Crazy Frog, it really means a lot that I can come here and post about my feelings, and know that other people have experienced something similar and have found a way through.

Thanks for your support.
Freya

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.