Question on Making Amends - Al-Anon Family Group

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Question on Making Amends

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Girl!! go for it and then don't put the horse before the cart. Working steps 1 thru 3 make a much better entry door to step 4 and of course with a sponsor is always suggested...one like you describe. For me I learned the difference between apologies and amends...that is what and how I learned. Amends is changing me...change. Apologies were sincere contriteness for things I did in the past which I assume hurt or may have hurt someone else...including of course the alcoholic. I still apologize for stuff I mess up on and I am still working on changing what I can in myself also.

Motif...why I do what I do; today is very very important. You are coming to awareness and honesty and that's cool because for me it supports my efforts also. Doing something so that someone else might do something in return and I get the payback is about (for me) manipulation and control and ego and pride. It is also dishonest intentionally or unintentionally (before I became aware most of the time it was unintentional a reaction - after I became aware it became on purpose) and that is what I need to "amend" or change.

In support....(((((hugs))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Gail

I hear you and understand. It is difficult to accept that the steps and program are a process. We really do need to do the Steps in order so that we can be in the right mind frame to move to the next step. Making amends as in the 9 th Step comes after seeing my actions, my motives, my part, owning them to someone else, having HP lift them and then knowing how to make the amends that were necessary. If we attempt to project the amends before all the other actions we will not accomplish what we need to

Making amends is something that I have done to clear up my side of the street and to lift the guilt I carried. I could not make any amends until I could understand my motives, could accept my actions and then truly feel I wanted to change my behavior to that person so I could be free.

If you are truly concerned about your husband not knowing that you have regrets . You could make a simple statement as to your attending meetings, discovering your destructive behavior and that is helping you to become more compassionate, and empathetic toward alcoholism. If he wants to continue the discussion you could say you are not ready to go into that right now but will address it in the future.

Glad you have found the meetings to be so enriching and a lifeline

Good Luck finding that sponsor

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Well we know NOTHING we do will get them to address their disease one way or another. So if you are wanting to share this for that, it is again manipulation.

I don't want regrets in my life. In saying that. It may be more how you share with him. For instance we do not need to go into detail. In a way it is giving them ammuntion.

Myself I might say, I wanted to tell you, I apologise for any part I may have played in hurting you in our lives together. I feel all the exact situations do not need to be addressed.

Remember he has a disease and does not think the same as you do. He might take it wrong. He might see it as a weakness in you. The disease loves to find them and use them against us.

Keeping it simple has always been one of Al Anons slogans. We don't want to put ourselves in a worse situation by saying too much! Or giving them something to argue about.

In saying this, I am going to keep it simple...(c:

Hugs hon wonderful progress! love,debilyn

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi GM, your willingness is so beautiful, you really, really want this and I am sooo smiling because more miracles are in the works for you. I've always loved what someone once said at a meeting, "It's all about miracles! The least I can do is participate." hahahaha

I am glad you are seeking a sponsor. I was told, do the steps in order. And do NOT do step 4 without a sponsor. I was also told, do NOT give amends until I discuss it with my sponsor!!! My first sponsor was a real Hitler about it. And I completely agree with it.... there were times when I thought I needed to aplogize for something and I would talk to my sponsor and she would do some inventory gymnastics (lol).... before I knew it, I realized I was NOT sorry for some of my behavior.... I was only taking care of myself... I would have been people-pleasing which is fear-based. Not saying this is the case with you, but.. my strong suggestion is to get your sponsor FIRST. I know your husband is in poor health, but my suggestion is to leave the outcome to God. First things first.

Remember.... the amends is NOT about him or anyone else. It's not even necessarily about saying "I'm sorry." The amends is about our growth and spiritual transformation, to be who Higher power wants us to be.

Take what you like, sweetie. Namaste

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

For me making amends started by changing my attitude towards him , treating him with respect . I was able to do that while he was still drinking , when we got to sobriety my husb was perfectly willing to accept blame for everything that went wrong in our relataionship , and for a sick moment I was willing to let him do that instead what came out of my mouth was I wish I could let you do that but today I know that you did nothing to me that I didnt allow , I will never forget the look of relief on his face . As to the antics you did trying to stop him from drinking , eventually you will be able to look back and see the humor of your own actions , in sobriety we sharred alot of that crazy stuff . Keep looking for your sponsor she is out there somewhere and she will make it clear what needs to be done . If your husb is still drinking just changing your attitude and actions towards him will benefit both of you . As some one already mentioned , giving this disease amunition is going to cause you alot of trouble . If sober that is a whole different issue . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 12th of May 2011 03:24:19 PM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:

Good Girl!! go for it and then don't put the horse before the cart. Working steps 1 thru 3 make a much better entry door to step 4 and of course with a sponsor is always suggested...one like you describe. I have being working on Steps 1 - 3 for the past three years, outside the rooms of Al-Anon. I never reviewed/discussed them with anyone else, however. For me I learned the difference between apologies and amends...that is what and how I learned. Amends is changing me...change. Apologies were sincere contriteness for things I did in the past which I assume hurt or may have hurt someone else...including of course the alcoholic. I still apologize for stuff I mess up on and I am still working on changing what I can in myself also.
Motif...why I do what I do; I agree. I am much more mindful of why I do the things I do. I see how a good sponsor would help in this deptartment. today is very very important. You are coming to awareness and honesty and that's cool because for me it supports my efforts also. Doing something so that someone else might do something in return and I get the payback is about (for me) manipulation and control and ego and pride. Very true. My intention of apoligizing to the ex was to let him know that I was aware of all the things I did in order to try to get him to stop drinking was not right. It is also dishonest intentionally or unintentionally (before I became aware most of the time it was unintentional a reaction - after I became aware it became on purpose) and that is what I need to "amend" or change.
In support....(((((hugs)))))

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hot Rod! See my comments below in red

hotrod wrote:
Hi Gail

I hear you and understand. It is difficult to accept that the steps and program are a process. We really do need to do the Steps in order so that we can be in the right mind frame to move to the next step. I understand they are to be worked in order. I believe that I have been working on Steps 1 - 3 for about the last 3 years. Do I need to talk them over with, say, a sponsor? I didn't feel I needed that. But then again, I'm very green at this. Making amends as in the 9 th Step comes after seeing my actions, my motives, my part, owning them to someone else, having HP lift them and then knowing how to make the amends that were necessary. If we attempt to project the amends before all the other actions we will not accomplish what we need to

Making amends is something that I have done to clear up my side of the street and to lift the guilt I carried. I understand cleaning up my side of the street. However, you did target an area I'm struggling with: the guilt of realizing how cruel I was to him. I could not make any amends until I could understand my motives, I feel I'm clear on my motives; Some I'm not proud of. could accept my actions accepting my actions is the tough part. and then truly feel I wanted to change my behavior to that person so I could be free. So it's truly about the person who is making the amends; it's not to have the other person feel better. Dang! I know this! But I didn't apply it. I sure see why a sponsor is needed.

If you are truly concerned about your husband not knowing that you have regrets . You could make a simple statement as to your attending meetings, discovering your destructive behavior and that is helping you to become more compassionate, and empathetic toward alcoholism. I pretty much said this. But I did elaborate on 3 things that I did that were hurtful and counterproductive. If he wants to continue the discussion you could say you are not ready to go into that right now but will address it in the future. Well, I sure wish he would want to dicuss ANYTHING further. But he is a silent one. Let's me do all the talking!

Glad you have found the meetings to be so enriching and a lifeline

Good Luck finding that sponsor

Thank you so much for your feedback. I truly value it!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Debilyn! See my response below in red

Debilyn wrote:
Well we know NOTHING we do will get them to address their disease one way or another. So if you are wanting to share this for that, it is again manipulation. Yeah, I see that, in part, it was manipulation. However, it was more about being truly sorry for what I had done over the past few decades.
I don't want regrets in my life. In saying that. It may be more how you share with him. For instance we do not need to go into detail. In a way it is giving them ammuntion. I thought about whether I was giving him ammo, are not. He is nowhere near recovery. I was hesistant and impatient. I try not to worry about his health (He wouldn't be the poster man for healthy living for the late 50's club.) I sure see why a sponsor is needed.
Myself I might say, I wanted to tell you, I apologise for any part I may have played in hurting you in our lives together. I feel all the exact situations do not need to be addressed. I get your point.
Remember he has a disease and does not think the same as you do. Right. I still catch myself in denial. He might take it wrong. He might see it as a weakness in you. The disease loves to find them and use them against us. I completely understand!
Keeping it simple has always been one of Al Anons slogans. We don't want to put ourselves in a worse situation by saying too much! Or giving them something to argue about.
In saying this, I am going to keep it simple...(c:
Hugs hon wonderful progress! love,debilyn

Thanks Debilyn for all your feedback.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

glad lee wrote:
Hi GM, your willingness is so beautiful, you really, really want this and I am sooo smiling because more miracles are in the works for you. I've always loved what someone once said at a meeting, "It's all about miracles! The least I can do is participate." hahahaha

I am glad you are seeking a sponsor. I was told, do the steps in order. And do NOT do step 4 without a sponsor. I was also told, do NOT give amends until I discuss it with my sponsor!!! After reading the feedback from everyone, I realize how important sponsors are!!!! My gut told me to hold off. But one of my weaknesses is charging ahead, ignoring my intincts when I don't like what it's telling me. I'll learn. I'll learn. Have to get the ants out of my pants! My first sponsor was a real Hitler about it. And I completely agree with it.... there were times when I thought I needed to aplogize for something and I would talk to my sponsor and she would do some inventory gymnastics (lol).... before I knew it, I realized I was NOT sorry for some of my behavior.... I was only taking care of myself... I would have been people-pleasing which is fear-based. Not saying this is the case with you, but.. my strong suggestion is to get your sponsor FIRST. I know your husband is in poor health, but my suggestion is to leave the outcome to God. First things first. Completely agree with all you just wrote.

Remember.... the amends is NOT about him or anyone else. It's not even necessarily about saying "I'm sorry." The amends is about our growth and spiritual transformation, to be who Higher power wants us to be. I'm going out and getting me a Hitler, too! Thanks so much!!!!

Take what you like, sweetie. Namaste

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

abbyal wrote:
For me making amends started by changing my attitude towards him , treating him with respect . I jumped right in and shared with him because we do not live together anymore. We don't see each other much. But I do see what you're saying. Makes perfect sense. Actions speak louder than words. I was able to do that while he was still drinking , when we got to sobriety my husb was perfectly willing to accept blame for everything that went wrong in our relataionship , and for a sick moment I was willing to let him do that instead what came out of my mouth was I wish I could let you do that but today I know that you did nothing to me that I didnt allow , I agree. I'm responsible for allowing people to treat me poorly. I will never forget the look of relief on his face . As to the antics you did trying to stop him from drinking , eventually you will be able to look back and see the humor of your own actions , I am laughing already. Not with him. But with a close friend. in sobriety we sharred alot of that crazy stuff . Keep looking for your sponsor she is out there somewhere and she will make it clear what needs to be done . If your husb is still drinking just changing your attitude and actions towards him will benefit both of you . I completely agree. I've decided to focus on the person I know he can be; I no longer dwell on his drinking. I've decided if I do see him under the influence, I'm not sayhing a peep. Treat him with kindness and move out of his way. As some one already mentioned , giving this disease amunition is going to cause you alot of trouble . I thought of this before I spoke to him; but I ignored this. My weakness I'm working on! If sober that is a whole different issue . Louise
Thank you so much for your feedback! Appreciate it greatly!!!

-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 12th of May 2011 03:24:19 PM

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

To answer the question about the amends, I would probably wait and ask your sponsor-to-be before doing any amends. When I was very new in the program, I wanted to work all the steps and got right to work on the 8th step. I called up someone and did my best at an amend. I was self-sponsored and thought I was doing the right thing. Turns out I made a really difficult situation even worse, and it was probably a time that a living amend would've been more appropriate. But I didn't know that.

Sometimes I tend to think things are my fault when they really aren't. Sometimes I think my actions have a bigger role than they do. My sponsor can see from a more neutral perspective what my role was and what an appropriate amend would be. When I made amends to my AH, I just told him that I knew I had wrongfully tried to control him and been nosy and overbearing, and that I was working on my program and would try to do better. It was simple, not a long discussion. He was sick, I was sick, and we both know that. I don't need to know the specifics of when he hid alcohol and when he lied about being in a bar, etc. Those things don't matter so much. In the same way, I don't think there is any reason for him to know every detail of the symptoms of my sickness.

Just my .02.

Good luck with finding a sponsor!!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

White Rabbit wrote:
To answer the question about the amends, I would probably wait and ask your sponsor-to-be before doing any amends. When I was very new in the program, I wanted to work all the steps and got right to work on the 8th step. I called up someone and did my best at an amend. I was self-sponsored and thought I was doing the right thing. Turns out I made a really difficult situation even worse, and it was probably a time that a living amend would've been more appropriate. But I didn't know that.

Sometimes I tend to think things are my fault when they really aren't. Sometimes I think my actions have a bigger role than they do. My sponsor can see from a more neutral perspective what my role was and what an appropriate amend would be. When I made amends to my AH, I just told him that I knew I had wrongfully tried to control him and been nosy and overbearing, and that I was working on my program and would try to do better. It was simple, not a long discussion. He was sick, I was sick, and we both know that. I don't need to know the specifics of when he hid alcohol and when he lied about being in a bar, etc. Those things don't matter so much. In the same way, I don't think there is any reason for him to know every detail of the symptoms of my sickness.

Just my .02.

Good luck with finding a sponsor!!
Very good points! I tend to blame myself more than needed, too. The idea of not going into details makes a lot of sense too. Thanks for pointing these out! Appreciate your feedback!

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