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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> i am done with my AH/marriage....do i keep going to Al Anon?
Post Info TOPIC: i am done with my AH/marriage....do i keep going to Al Anon?
Georgia


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i am done with my AH/marriage....do i keep going to Al Anon?
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i've posted a few times - i'm very new to the board and Al Anon but not the disease.  i am married to a highly intelligent, high functioning alcoholic.  but over the last year or so...the cracks are starting to affect even his job and his ability to provide. 

long story short....i came home monday to a foreclosure notice on our front door.  we do not have financial issues.  i pay all the bills (because he refuses to be involved) and i have paid every mortgage payment.  but about 6 months ago there was an issue with property tax/escrow and i did not understand it and i gave it to him to deal with.  in 12 years of marriage i have asked him to deal with ONE THING (and this is not an exaggeration on my part) and obviously, he didn't do it.

i don't even care about the house.  yes it is big and fancy and beautiful.  but just like my AH...what you see on the outside does not represent the truth on the inside.  inside that house it is cold and empty and full of strife and loneliness.  so i'm over the whole house.  hate the my credit is shot now...but...oh well.

so i have always said to myself...am i better with him or without.  and now...i truly believe without is the best option.  he's lied.  he's cheated.  he's been disrespetful of me as a human being.  and while i can understand the disease, it doesn't mean that i deserve the treatment.

so i am beginning the process of making my plan to leave.  it will be complicated but....not like my life is exactly a walk in the park right now.

my real question is - do i still "qualify" to go to al anon meetings?  i've only been going for 3 weeks but they are the highlight of my week.  i feel such acceptance and care there.  i don't have a sponsor yet...and have not begun the process of working the steps.  i just wonder if i should continue going.

any opinions would be greatly appreciated.



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youfoundme


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Alanon is for anyone that is being affected or has been affected by someone else's drinking/drugging. You can keep coming. People in alanon tend to become sicker than the alcoholic and also need to work the steps and get a sponsor just as much as the alcoholic. Keep coming as they say :)

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Sweet Stanley


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Yes, you can continue attending Alanon.  Your life has been very affected by someone's alcoholism.  It seems that the scars run deep and for me, even though my AH's isn't drinking, I still have issues from all the years that he did drink. Take care of you.



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Sweet Stanley
GailMichelle


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You absolutely qualify. I divorced "before" entering the rooms of Al-Anon. I've met several people who continue to go weekly, even though their qualifier is not in sight.

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
tommyecat


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Georgia,

I am so grateful you are coming here, I love to see you post, thank you for having the courage to do so.

To answer your question, yes absolutely 100% you still qualify and may find it extremely helpful to attend Alanon through this process.

When I made the decision to go back to Alanon and got a sponsor, they suggested as our literature suggests to refrain from making any major decisions for one year if possible unless there is danger of physical abuse. I am so glad I did because, I felt just like you ready to pack my bags and leave. I was able to discover myself in the Alanon program and make choices in my life from a place of peace and serenity rather than anger or reaction. I am so glad that the circumstances in my life got so bad that led me back into the rooms of Alanon. I have found a new way to live. I am so grateful for the people in the face to face meetings that passed it on to me.

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Georgia


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i have read the advice of not making major decisions for one year.  however....i am being forced into a major decision.  foreclosure is pretty major.  also, he has signed a 90 day probationary letter at work and will likely be fired in about 6 weeks.  either way...major decisions are on my horizon.  to continue with him...only to have to seperate and make yet another major decision a year down the line seems reckless to me.  i still have one child at home (for another year) and i have his welfare and well-being to consider.

i know life isn't fair.  i get that.  and i am not crying "victim" but....never ever in my wildest dream did i ever thiink i'd be divorved....let alone twice.  and i never ever would have dreamed that alcohol would have any part in that process.  he didn't even drink when i met him!

oh well.  it is what it is...and i am strong and i will survive. 



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hotrod


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Hi Georgia

Welcome 

 You and everyone else "Are welcome to attend alanon meetings because you live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism.  This is usually stated in the opening greeting of our meetings. 

For me, alanon is a life long undertaking .  It keeps me growing spiritually and  emotionally. I no longer live with this disease however the benefits I receive from these meetings enables me to live my life with courage, serenity and wisdom.My recovery is on going

Please keep taking care of yourself and attend as many meetings as you are able  This is indeed a stressful time for you.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
White Rabbit


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Absolutely!! Dig in to those meetings!

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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
flopadopilus


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Keep coming back Georgia! And love and support being sent your way!

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God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
ythannah


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Absolutely!

I didn't start attending Al-Anon until about a week after I had split with my ABF (we have since reconciled).

Al-Anon is for ME, not just for coping with an A.  It's so much more than that.



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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Debilyn


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Oh Georgia of course you still go!! The disease causes so much pain. We have many wounds. We need each other!

I can tell you from experience, Al Anons skills have helped me to be a better person in every situation. My AH has been gone years now.

I learned to not argue, never engage in bolony, teach others how to treat me,i am more confident. I can take care of myself with out falling apart.  I have even gotten closer to my HP.

It helps us to get thru tough stuff as we learn to take a breath, take one day at a time.

 So many things. The most important for me is the social part. I learn from the people here at MIP every time I come here. I know I can post and people will share with me. precious.

Also if I am off, someone will tell me. They are the only ones who truly understand what loving an A can do to us.They do not put us down for anything.

Plus we would miss you!

Good for you for making a decision and finding the strength to carry out your goal. You hit my heart when ya described your house hon. You are so right. I could have lived in a beautiful place with my A and it was NOT home when he was bad.

Now I live in a small one room cabin comfy and so full of love and comfort with my dogs, cat and inumerable wild animals around me that i feed.

hugs, great question, love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
clep


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I hear the anger and disappointment in your voice.  I remember feeling it myself.  All the things my A did were so terrible and he was just weighing me down anyways.  I knew life would be much better without him.

I started going to Al-anon and for the first two months things felt worse for me.  I was angry and trapped and hated the decisions he was giving me to make.  I knew he forced me into so many burdens with his lack of action and irresponsible behaviors.

I was told for the first year not to make any major changes and I was so angry to hear that.  Didn't they know what I put up with?  I was such a victim and didn't even know it.  Well I listened to them, got myself in order and worked my program.  

When I did that my situation improved.  I didn't have to leave him anymore, I didn't feel forced into anything.  I learned to allow him to take on the consequences of his behaviors all the while protecting myself and child from them.  It took lots of time and work but it was worth it.  I have the person I love and my child has his parents together.

Life is completely different now.  

Blessings



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