"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Excavator · Member

Wife is in jail tonight

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

you are in the right place....This board and the rooms of Alanon are saving my life. I know others will be along to help with this post. Hang in there... you are not alone. I have an alcoholic/addict boyfriend and I am learning day by day that I am my own person. Take care!

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Excavator, and welcome.... Sorry you are going through this, but let's cut to the chase - your wife didn't take "one pill", she relapsed..... Mine did several times as well, before hitting HER bottom and finding her sobriety almost nine years ago.... This is a devastating disease, and even moreso when BOTH affected parties choose not to find recovery....

Choosing Al-Anon and a plan of recovery for YOU - will include Al-Anon meetings, posting here, reading literature, etc - will help you understand about her disease, will help you understand how to separate her disease from the person, and will help you understand how deeply this has all affected you....

She will either drink, or she won't... what are YOU gonna do??

Time to choose recovery - for YOU....

Take care

Tom

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Excavator,

I am sorry you are feeling the pain of being affected by someone's addiction. I do not know what the best nest step is for you but I can share what worked for me. In the first 10 years of marriage my exAH went to three rehabs and did the jail thing a few times and I was exposed to AlAnon. I realise now I picked at AlAnon in the same way he picked at AA ... neither of us found serenity or recovery. I hit my bottom first after finding a large amount of drugs and pills in my home. once the secret was out it was 24/7 using whatever was available. I chose recovery by reading every book and piece of literature I could find, sharing here at MIP and going to meetings. Living to keep someone else alive or to clean up after them is stressful, AlAnon offers support in written or in-person personal experiences and I found serenity, peace and ways to make those next best decisions. Try to trust that your wife is exactly where she is meant to be on her journey, and so are you. Keep coming back.

Jen

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Excavator,

Welcome and thank you for posting on MIP. If you stick around here you will find many people here who understand your problems as few others could. I too have had the jail house walk quite a few times with my AH. I can relate to the expense of which, tens of thousands of dollars.

I have found support and encouragement here as well in the face to face rooms of Alanon. If you have not been to a face to face meeting, perhaps consider going. If you keep an open mind, you will find help. There is no problem too difficult to be bettered, and no unhappiness to great to be lessened. There is a strength and power in the rooms of Alanon. Keep Coming Back!

Respectfully Yours,
Tommye

Excavator · Member

Thank you everyone for the replies. Still processing everything ... I'm just overwhelmed right now.

I did manage a couple hours of sleep. I guess todays projects are finding $5,000 bail and trying to get her car out of hock. Then arraignment is 1pm today.

I'm so sad! My wife is a beautiful person, she has such a good heart. She was so happy to have gone through rehab and so scared she was going to mess up again. We had a plan, she was not going to work this year. Her job was going to be her outpatient followup care and staying clean and sober.

I was so worried about her last night I called the jail and asked them to keep an extra close eye on her. She will be feeling lower than she ever has in her life. I know my wife, she's afraid to commit suicide because she believes she would go to hell but this might be enough for her to go over the edge.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Excavator, sending you a private message....check your inbox.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Excavator! You are in the right place and I hope you are able to find Al-anon meetings near you. Also if you can get the book Getting Them Sober and Codependent No More they may be a big help. It sounds like you are in crisis and may need to take care of yourself and Al-anon literature and books may be of great help. I tried to save my A for 15 years and it brought me to my bottom. Now I practice self care and I am better for it! Sending you support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone is right. We all need to take care of ourselves, including the A's in our life.

I completely realate to your loving her. Can also share from experience 28 days is nothing. I am sure she was in no way ready to come home.

I don't believe in baling them out. It's their disease, their path. If we rescue them it makes it worse. They need to depend on themselves, and not others as far as their disease.

A book that will help you is,"Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drews.

When we babysit them,make things easier, we make them sicker. They will not find their own strength and honesty to get help on their own. Its hard to face at first.

Al Anon helps us to learn skills that will help us with the addict in our life. It is better for them and us.

When you learn skills, go to meetings you will what to do. You will gain the knowledge from Al Anon. I sure know where you are at.

It is perfectly normal to love her! She has a horrible disease, does not make her a bad person. As far as her being dead in a month, believe me we have NO idea about that. Besides if she really chose to commit suicide, we can do nothing about it. Its out of our control.

We do not have to divorce them. Myself I educated myself, both in the disease of addiction, AA and Al Anon. I gleaned all the good I could.

When and if you are ready to let go you will know. Its totally up to you.

Please keep coming. We are all here to support you, guide you and listen. We also very much understand your love for her!

love,debilyn

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Excavator,

I believe your wife is right where she needs to be (please don't take that wrong). Alcoholics must suffer the consequences of their actions in order to hit their bottom. If they don't, sometimes there is no bottom.

Rescuing is akin to sticking a pillow under their butt to ensure a soft landing. My sponsor once told me that every time a alcoholic is enabled in any way it's helping to keep the disease alive, but in turn it is killing the person.

Hopefully you are in a city/village with Alanon meetings for support.

http://www.al-anon-ak.org/Meetings/index.htm

Christy

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Excavator...welcome to the board with the other members. Glad you are here and I'd like to suggest that you find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and connect with other spouses, friends and family of alcoholics in your area.

You have time to do nothing about "it" and to make some time to do something about "you". This is a progressive disease and you only "thought" that you had the answers in the past. Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling and older than 6000 years.

What worked for me when it had beat me into the ground was the suggestion above...find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and connect. Get to the meetings and when there sit down and listen with an open mind...go to the literature table and pick up as much literature that strikes your focus as you can...So you love an Alcoholic, Al-Anon is for Men, and more and find others to talk to and listen to.

The Al-Anon Family Groups are world wide...over 25000 meeting locations. Alcoholism has not prejudices as to who it affects...it affects everyone it comes in contact with. Spend time talking to those of us who have been where you are at right now...some more than others and listen to the feedback before you rush into rescue the alcoholic one more time...your life and hers may depend on it.

(((((hugs))))) smile

nezyb · Member

The best thing that ever happened to this alcoholic/addict is for my spouse of almost 27 years to tell me "I am done watching you kill yourself. Get sober or get out" I HATED him. How could he say/do that to me after all I had done for him???? Even then, until I decided I wanted recovery for myself, not him, not our kids, not anyone else but me, I couldn't begin to grasp it. I am still early on in the process of what I know will be a lifelong journey, one day at a time. One I would never have embarked on without those words, knowing he meant every one of them. I am not sure if I have done too much damage to my spouse and to my marriage to repair, only time will tell. Regardless, I will be eternally grateful to him for loving me enough to say those words (and mean them) to me. He saved my life. (Looking back, of course) LOL

Just wanted to share this, thought it might give you some hope. You can't save us with love. We have to want to save ourselves. Peace.

Excavator · Member

Debilyn wrote:
Everyone is right. We all need to take care of ourselves, including the A's in our life.
I completely realate to your loving her. Can also share from experience 28 days is nothing. I am sure she was in no way ready to come home.
I don't believe in baling them out. It's their disease, their path. If we rescue them it makes it worse. They need to depend on themselves, and not others as far as their disease.
A book that will help you is,"Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drews.
When we babysit them,make things easier, we make them sicker. They will not find their own strength and honesty to get help on their own. Its hard to face at first.
Al Anon helps us to learn skills that will help us with the addict in our life. It is better for them and us.
When you learn skills, go to meetings you will what to do. You will gain the knowledge from Al Anon. I sure know where you are at.
It is perfectly normal to love her! She has a horrible disease, does not make her a bad person. As far as her being dead in a month, believe me we have NO idea about that. Besides if she really chose to commit suicide, we can do nothing about it. Its out of our control.
We do not have to divorce them. Myself I educated myself, both in the disease of addiction, AA and Al Anon. I gleaned all the good I could.
When and if you are ready to let go you will know. Its totally up to you.
Please keep coming. We are all here to support you, guide you and listen. We also very much understand your love for her!
love,debilyn

You are absolutely right she was not ready to come home. She said today when I visited her that she thought she was but that she was wrong. Treatment is SO expensive though, and we both had such high hopes for the followup care the rehab people set up for her.

I originally told her that if anything like this happened that I would not bail her out. I can't leave her in there though, she got beat up last night and it's only her first night there. Our pre-trial facility here is not a nice place.

She is the one that has decided to divorce. Once she gets an idea in her head that may just be the way it goes. We'll see.

Excavator · Member

Wow, just back from arraignment. She looks a mess. It's very humiliating to be chained to other prisoners like that. She managed to rack up some very serious charges though -

MICS4, 3 counts: 5yrs/$50,000 each
MICS5, 1 count: 3yrs/$10,000
Promoting Contraband: 5yrs/$50,000
DUI - counted as second? No mention of suspended sentence/fines from the previous one either. I half expect that to change.
Bail right now is $5,000 plus Court approved 3rd party

What a nightmare!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like the end for her, but it could be the start of a new beginning. I know plenty of folks that had to go to jail to get a true start in sobriety. I am sorry you have to be along for this awful ride and I know your wife didn't intend to become this sick...

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Excavator....maybe this will be her bottom....

Maybe an oldtimer AA member could visit her, 12 step her. Seize the moment.

I know when my son has relapsed his AA brothers and sisters have said leave him to us.....

In support

((((Ness))))

Excavator · Member

Just an update...
She's out of jail for now. Home on $3500 and house arrest with a very expensive ankle monitor.

When she was gone, she was in jail for 14 days, I missed the strong sweet woman I fell in love with. That's not who came home. That's not who she's been for a few years now either. Right now she's incredibly ashamed and remorseful, cries all the time, scattered thinking, can't even finish a simple task without being distracted. We just argue all the time... I watch her for signs of being high and she resents it. I'm not wondering if she's going to mess up on her bail conditions, just waiting for when she does.

I am so close to just being done with this.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"